Tuesday, November 27

coffee crisis

Photo on 11-27-12 at 2.03 PM #4
i was late to school today.

i didn't get breakfast and skipped the shower.

i got coffee before lab and if i know anything, it's that when i have coffee on an empty stomach and less than five hours of sleep, my mind goes to bad places and the worst part of my personality rears its head.

then my friend in lab said, hey MAGGIE, we should live together next year since we both want to get a house and you, me, and your roommate are all REALLY chill people and it would be awesome.


and then i text my roommate to tell her about the genius idea that we'd never thought of and she replies, MAGGIE, you have no idea what you're doing next year!

so then i sit there, dumbfounded, realizing what she just said is so true.

am i going to study abroad this summer, potentially running the risk of missing my sister's graduation which absolutely can not happen and instead go in the fall!? am i going to live in idaho this summer where i can take pictures, take summer school classes and live cheaply at home, or am i going to live in missoula because i will be renting a house and the lease will start early?! BUT WAIT, that's dependent on deciding on studying abroad and i can't decide if i'm going to apply to any summer internships until i decide on that, either.

AND THEN, everyone, i realized that these decisions are relatively small compared to the great big ones, like choosing to double major and finish school back in idaho once my scholarship dough runs out, and what i'm even doing anymore. in the grand scheme of things, my only plan is to finish school with my degree(s?) and figure it all out after that but it only dawned on me today that i have next to no idea what anything in the next five years looks like and not being pre-med anymore (I SAID IT) means i don't. have. a. plan.

what can i do!? my only accomplishments include getting this far into school as a slightly above average student, learning how to master my curling iron to do exactly what i want it to do on day one washed hair, day two, and day three, building a complete scarf collection, becoming a moderately functional adult living on their own for the first time, eating a serving of fruit every day, creating a photography business spur of the moment that supports my plane ticket aspirations and gas and groceries, nailing craig's list antique furniture shopping, and owning two signed things by john green.

it's terrifying. it's awesome when i'm not on a caffeine high, but terrifying at the moment to the girl who always has a plan. i know it'll all be okay, it will, and the future is exciting.

but... really, what am i going to do next year/summer/fall?

it's probably best at this point to go paint my nails and watch the new gossip girl. and then sob over my physics notes and realize all of this banter is stemming solely from end of the semester nerves.
Photo on 11-27-12 at 2.05 PM


Meg! said...

You will figure it out! One step at a time, girly. But can I just say I'm so glad I'm not 20 anymore. XD

katherine said...

things have a way of falling into place. just watch and see :)

Abbey said...

I always have these worries at the end of each semester, and I have them now too! Best thing to do is not stress, and focus on the day to day. The decisions will play out however they may. :)

Z said...

eeep I'm so with you! I can, at least, vouch that a study abroad is SO worth it and SO INCREDIBLE - you were going to study in Dublin/Ireland, right? it's an INSANELY COOL PLACE. but yes, like I was saying, it's reeeeeeeeeally hard to figure out your life as a student. but DON'T WORRY: as out of control as things seem right now...well...they're gonna stay out of control. BUT THAT'S FINE TOO! okay this isn't coming out as reassuring as I'd hoped... but anyway. I hope you get what I mean. Best of luck trying to figure it all out! We're here with you!

Dillon said...

Just finish up the semester! You can do it! Then use the break to worry about imprtant life desicions - that's what I plan on doing.

Kaylie said...

I relate to this post so much. What is even life? I want to know exactly what I'm doing in the future ALWAYS and it's never that easy. You can do it!!

Natalie said...

I have no advice to give considering I don't really know what I'm doing with my life anymore either, but I think it's comforting that basically everyone is pretty confused about their futures at this point. Besides, like, the three lucky people that have known that they wanted to be something since birth. I do think that studying abroad would be an amazing opportunity to take advantage of, if at all possible, though.

▲my• said...

That actually seems like a pretty bad-ass list of accomplishments Maggie!

Finish out the semester. What's right for you will come to you as time goes by :)

Anonymous said...

take it from the OCD, type-A planner: sometimes, not having a plan is pretty cool.

Carly said...

oh no, i know how this feels all too well. 20-something-crisis of not knowing WHAT to do with your life.

this was (and still is) one of my favorite quotes for those frenzied nights where all i think and worry and fret about is life and what i am going to do with mine:

“Breathe, my friend. You are not old, you are young. You are not a mess, you are normal. Extraordinary, perhaps. In the blink of an eye your life will change. And it will continue to change for decades to come. Enjoy it, embrace it…be grateful for the ride. You are not old, you are young. And faith will get you everywhere. Just you wait.”
— Abby Larson, advice for her 23 year old self

Jen Hsieh said...

BREATHE. It's a beautiful thing not having a plan or a path to follow because every step of the way is a surprise. You'll figure it out at time passes, even if it is a little terrifying. So excited for all the opportunities you're going to have over the next year or two! :)

hellolyndsey said...

Oh Maggie, keep your head up! Your life is just beginning. Don't let the craze of decisions OVERWHELM you, let them EXCITE you! You are in one of the greatest positions you could possibly be in at the moment. YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE. You have an unlimited amount of paths that all lead to good things not failure. Nothing is failure because at one point your heart chose that direction. You have come to the realization that no one can make your decisions. It's all you now, Maggie. Be proud of that. You'll figure it out. Be strong. You're a smart, beautiful girl. ♥

Katie said...

I can relate 100%. I graduate from FSU in 2 weeks, and I have no idea what I am going to do next. There are so many directions I could head,jobs I could find or places I want to live. The possibilities are endless. and although graduation seems like a weight will be lifted off my shoulders and I will finally be done with school, the stress of finding a job so heavily outweighs that. I love so many different things, its hard to choose! I hope you figure things out soon and I wish you good luck! It will all come together soon enough and the worry that was once there will be gone. =)