ready for December

Tomorrow is December.

December is one of my months. I have special relationships with the months of May, October, and December. They are my jam. Or something. And whenever we get to December, I can't help but start to feel a bit nostalgic that my favorite month of all is here and it's going to be over before I know it. Usually that makes me a little sad; like another year has come and passed by again before I realized it had even arrived. Sometimes I get sad before things even begin because I'm not ready for them to feel over.

This year feels a little different.

No, it's not the end of the year yet. But the fact that Thanksgiving is now over and winter break is just two weeks away, I'm already in the "winter" mindset. There's snow on the mountain tops of Missoula surrounding the valley and this year, it feels like winter should be here. It actually feels time for a new season. It feels like I experienced every season this year completely and as much as I could. I lived in the present and didn't let the days pass me by too quickly so I enjoyed the heck out of every day of every season as much as possible. This year feels so complete. Like I can kick back this month and enjoy it before time restarts.

How great of a feeling is that to be able to say going into the end of the year? To not feel rushed or thrown into it, but rather relaxed and happy to come full circle to what was maybe one of the best and most rewarding years of my life?

How great does it feel to feel capable of embracing next year as a new year and not needing to look at it as a fresh start, but as another opportunity for even more things to find and conquer?

I feel armed and ready with what I've gained this year and ready for the next.

I ended November with one of my favorite people in this world who is one of those parts of this year that was simply magical. DEBOOBRAH, this year wouldn't have been half of what it was without you.

There isn't a grilled cheese like a Mom's grilled cheese

In three days I have asked my Mom to make me a grilled cheese three times. It dawned on me the first time I moved out of my parents' house that no grilled cheese will ever tast the same as my Mom's. Even the best grilled cheese sandwiches I've ever had (Beechers and Red Robin),as good as they are, just don't taste the same. For three years I have eagerly looked forward to coming home to Moms' grilled cheese. However, in the past few days I have had an even more unusual than normal close attachment to my Moms' grilled cheese. While mulling over the reasons behind what made my sandwich so dang great after the third day of having a grilled cheese for lunch, it dawned on me that the reason it tasted and felt so much better than normal had everything to do with what one of my best friends said about living in a city for the first time. 

Upon coming home and nestling into the comforts of the life I knew for 18 years, it took no time at all to feel like I was in high school again driving a 1983 Subaru with horrible side bangs. Surely, I've noticed and appreciated things about my small hometown now that I've experienced the very opposite of it day after day, but also in falling back into my regular routines I've seen that it's exactly that comfortable routine that is so different than my life in Seattle. In Seattle, every single thing is a new experience to me. In both Moscow and Missoula, my life is already laid out for me. Everything is comfortable. I know those places in and out. I know my place and I have my niches. In Seattle, I eat at different places every single time I eat out. I explore different parts of the city every weekend. I'm always on high alert mode so that I am on track to get to and from where I need to go. Mentally, it's a completely different way of life, too. Seattle requires my undivided attention. It almost feels like a game sometimes as to whether I can really do it all.

One of my closest friends from Moscow is living in a city in France for the summer and for all of next semester. We were talking about how life in Moscow and living in a city is so drastically different from one another and what parts of it we liked and didn't like when she commented on the fact that the biggest shock isn't the fast paced way of life in a city, but rather how it feels to simply not have any ties to the city or much of a bearing on where we are. I know what she means. I feel like I could spend every single day doing something in a new part of the Seattle area without ever getting bored or repeating a day once. I simply can't ever know Seattle as well as I know Moscow or Missoula and surely not in a summer. I feel like I'm running around with my head cut off most of the time without ever really attaching any ties to any one place here. I may like a coffee shop next to my work or enjoy a sandwich at the shop down the block but I have no memories anywhere. Building a new life is so new and liberating but at times emotionally exhausting. I know there have been moments when I just wished I could have a pocket of the city that was strictly my own that I could attach the same feelings of comfort to, similar to the feeling of my mom making me a grilled cheese in the kitchen of the house I grew up in. Which might be asking for too much, however, even in Missoula I have those places I go to that are always a comfort because they remind me of some memory or they're part of my routine somehow.

It's confusing at times. I'm having the time of my life and then I have crippling moments of anxiety when I wish I could just experience five minutes of home. It's pushing me and I know it's making me reach harder than ever to make those ties to my surroundings. At the same time, Seattle seems to be a place that I've been able to see myself thriving in more than any other place I've ever visited. Settling and creating a life takes time. I'm starting to get to the phase of settling with friends I see regularly and places I've started to frequent. That helps. And even being home, I'm reminded that my time in Moscow has expired and my place is in all of the unfamiliarity that Seattle offers.

But sometimes, I just wish those pockets of comfort were as accessible as Moms' grilled cheese. And I've soaked up my time at home as much as possible to take the feeling back with me to Seattle.

My family came + I melted into a self pitying puddle

Today, a month after arriving, I finally reached the point of just too much city. I'm kind of surprised a moment like it didn't happen sooner. I have reached the point in the past where I needed to close my eyes for a second in the middle of the street to relax for a moment. However, whether it was because I had to say goodbye to my sister and second family as they left Seattle for the weekend or because I really was just fed up with going nearly three weeks without a day at home to just rest and not go anywhere at all, today I'd pretty much just had enough city. I put on my sunglasses and stuck my head phones in my ears (is this why everyone in the city wears sunglasses and listens to music as they walk around?) so at least I couldn't hear the city noise and like a child thought, if they can't see my eyes, they can't see me, right!? And feeling about as invisible as I could on a busy Sunday morning with families around me going to Father's Day brunch, I found a place to sit that wasn't a green grassy park  where I could lay down and look at the clouds but instead the next best thing which was a mini garden of sorts between two buildings with three floors of concrete stairs leading down to the Seattle Great Wheel with the Puget Sound in front of me. I allowed myself to have a mini pity party even as I knew that truly, I had no valid complaints. Life is as great now as it has ever been. I just felt alone when I didn't want to feel alone.

Plus, there was the fact that after an empty house was made a full one for two nights, it wasn't until I got to feel its fullness that I really felt the emptiness in its entirety. And maybe I didn't want to really go back it without my sister. Not once in a month has having a house to myself to live in felt lonely until suddenly I had people in it and people to leave it.

I like this living alone stuff. It's forced me to cut the crap and grow the heck up a little bit here and there. Less dilly dallying, more work and efficiency. It's made me a more streamlined version of myself. Living all alone has been one of the best experiences I've ever had but it takes a certain amount of energy and responsibility, too, to do it all alone. My room is still borderline Hoarders due to my clothes thrown about but I'm on top of my stuff 100%. Life is organized down to the minute during the week. The money I spend is my own and boy is Seattle expensive. My dad in an email recently told me I was on the right track in life and doing it right so as I sat on the steps feeling a little bit sorry for myself, I took another second to remind myself of what I was doing. Starting a new life, if only for four months, is a big deal. At least, it's the biggest thing I've ever done on my own. I can say with complete certainty that moving to Seattle for the summer is one of those choices I made that is going to precede many other big ones to follow that I never would have made without this summer. It's completing me and filling holes I didn't even know needed to be filled. 

But, I miss my family. I miss comfort. For twenty minutes on some stairs in the middle of Seattle today, I missed familiarity. And yet, when I got moving again off those dumb stairs where my pride bit the dust, I looked not at the sky but at those tall, tall buildings and thanked the city for all that it's giving me. Which, really, is everything I've ever wanted. This is my time right now, my time of independence and discovery, even if I wish I had my little sister to watch How I Met Your Mother with me tonight.

*******

weekend pictures! honestly, we were pretty lazy. all weekend.

but sometimes those are the best weekends. target, how i met your mother, 

new swimming suits,

ferry & bus rides, and a lot of good food.

firsts, triumphs, mistakes, and being out of my comfort zone in one day

I learned my lesson. Never start the day thinking to yourself, "Well, today is just going to be an average day. What a bummer."

I don't even know where to start with this day. Where do I even begin!? It was a day of firsts, lasts, mistakes, triumphs, mostly being out of my comfort zone the entire time, emotions, and a whole lot of paper folding and running. By the end of it, I felt like I needed a splash of reality to reaffirm that my day was real and that it was over.

So let's recap what exactly happened on May 30, 2013:

Firsts: 

I realized around 2pm once my stomach grumbled that I had forgotten to eat lunch. Not only that, but as I reached under my desk and fished around the best purchase I ever made (a large leather purse) mid conversation with an owner of a restaurant who I was inquiring to find out who to contact about making charitable donations, I realized I forgot my lunch on the countertop at home. The sudden opportunity gleamed its headlights: HERE'S YOUR CHANCE TO CONQUER BUCKET LIST ITEM #310: EAT A MEAL IN A SIT DOWN RESTAURANT ALONE! Is it just me? Am I the only one who hasn't ever secretly wanted to go to a restaurant completely alone surrounded by couples, groups, and people there with other people only? I didn't allow myself a second of hesitation before running out the door with my phone held in my hand in front of me so that Google Maps could direct me to the right Italian panini specialty hole-in-the-wall shop. I ended up 0.7 miles in the wrong direction and once I realized I'd gone the wrong direction completely, wound up in Pike's place. I thought, well, this blows. I don't want to eat here where everything will be overpriced and flooded with oh my gosh, TOURISTS.

And then I turned around. I headed in the opposite direction that the crowds were walking and ended up in a smaller section of Post Alley where my stomach called out that it must be fed now and conveniently I looked up, glassesless no less, to see a sign reading Pizza & Pasta bar. Done. I wanted Italian, anyways! Waited fifteen minutes, paid all of $6.02 for an iced tea and slice of pizza bigger than my head, and then sat by myself outside in the alley. It wasn't technically a "sit down restaurant  but once I was outside, I was surrounded by people in groups. And there I was... eating alone. Surrounded by people in Pike's Place where almost every person was there with another person for some reason or another. And it was great. I think I'm kind of the best lunch date that ever was, come to think of it.

I then turned back around and headed inside to leave a tip because it was easily the best piece of pizza I've ever had (a touch of garlic in the sauce, perfectly crunchy bottomed crust, cheese evenly dispersed and so tasty) and talked for fifteen minutes with the owner who works there from open to close every day and didn't once break his smile. I kind of wanted him to kiss me on the cheek by the end. 

Triumphs:

Never really walking alone downtown before aside from the above stated pizza eating experience, I managed to run errands for the work party we had later this evening around without getting lost. I made it to the addresses written on post it notes in my hands! Huzzah!

Firsts:

Now, I am not prejudiced or entirely unfamiliar with people that are homeless. I respect them and their right to hang out on the streets. Soon, I want to buy one a meal like I've seen people in my building do and bring it to them personally. However, I ended up in an interesting part of town where I realized I was the only female Caucasian and person with a home on the street. New experience. Not all together terrifying because buses were passing by, but at one point a woman pushing a rolling suitcase in front of her down the middle of the suitcase screamed at me, "GET THE F*** OUT OF MY WAY!" causing everyone to turn around and part down the middle of the street for her. Okay, so I was slightly terrified at this moment and I immediately darted out of her way after her suitcase hit my feet.

Triumphs: 

Finding and contacting a few people who are interested in donating their products for a big event coming up at work. Talking on the phone and reaching out to people is exciting. I feel honored to work for who I do.

Mistakes:

Sometime before leaving to do errands and after getting back from the most glorious lunch of my life, I got a text from my mom with a picture of a letter from my landlord in Montana saying that there were stains on our apartment carpet and we had 24 hours to be rid of them or else we'd lose our security deposit and we'd be charged with damage. We're talking like, $1000 lost in total. Down the drain. Panicked, I called the office, my roommate, friends still in Montana who could go clean it for me for a $50 an hour promise- all while navigating downtown Seattle running errands. Admittedly, I didn't read my contact well enough last summer. Because that was standard and due to their restrictions on what carpet cleaner you are allowed to use, you aren't allowed to actually use anything that would remove simple stains a professional vacuum cleaner would take out. Doh! Unnecessary anxiety that rubbed off on my mom and roommate. And myself.

Out of my comfort zone:

We had our building office party this evening. Every floor of the building opens its doors and people go from floor to floor learning about the office and their work and enjoy food and games. It ended up being fantastic and I met a lot of fascinating people on the few floors I had time to visit. People from all over the West Coast and even other Interns that are *gasp* my age! 

Random/Uncategorized:

Then, of course  there was finishing the day and sprinting 1.1 miles to the ferry in under 8 minutes and making it onto my boat. There was the boy in the elevator. There was realizing no minute was the same as the next one after it all day long and I had abou a million things to handle and I did it all. I survived what I would have cried imagining over two weeks ago (!!!! just two weeks ago!?) and this is it. This is a full day. And I loved every second, even the panicked and uncomfortable ones. 

This is the best thing I've ever done for myself- getting myself here, working to make it happen for months, and hoping for it until it worked out at the last second.

At the end of my day, when I crossed Puget Sound and rode my bus and finally drove home, I took myself on a twenty minute walk through the *rain forest*. This is all real, this is all real.

hey parents, you were right!

as a teenager, there was one thing i heard a lot from my parents. it went something like, "maggie, it's not enough to just be a good student and athlete, you need to be responsible in every area of your life, too." i never really understood it at the time. usually i would protest, "but i'm a good kid! you guys have no idea how lucky you are to have me! do you see the people i go to school with?" they were, of course, referring to the way i procrastinated on chores, um, constantly, and seemed to have an all or nothing approach with everything else. i was constantly social or not at all. i was super active in my clubs or i wasn't at all. i was 100% on top of the things i needed to do, like school and soccer, but with the rest i kind of juggled it chaotically. the things i didn't have to do were what i struggled with.

i never really gave much thought to what my parents were actually saying when they said those words until now. two and a half years into college. i don't know what it was, but at the beginning of this semester something inside me said: maggie, things have to change. i have to find what my parents were really telling me i lacked: balance. i needed to gain some control and get my stuff together. it's not that i lacked time management skills, rather, it's that i didn't make a conscious effort to take care of the other things or myself.

in college, there's stress virtually everywhere. being a good student isn't enough. i realized my old tendencies of letting other things slide while only paying attention to the necessities wasn't working. i needed balance. so, i got a job. i decided i was going to train for a race. i took some control and committed myself to being responsible in every regard. i've figured out that if you let one thing slip, other things usually follow, too. spreading myself between different responsibilities has proved that it's all about making the effort. and it's hard to do when you don't have to do it. i'm extremely fortunate that i was able to go to school for two years without having a job while i focused on school work but it also made me lazier with my free time. now, i have to make my time count. it's not a question anymore of "will i do this", it's just a part of my lifestyle to go to work and run four or five times a week in addition to the time required to go to school. my life feels "together" and balanced. it's a good feeling.

they say you get to the point where you realize your parents were right about everything. well, they were right.
 

change

i miss posts like these.

posts i write that kind of aren't really for anyone else but purely written from the inner workings of my mind. unfiltered and unedited. i don't know what's kept me from being able to write a post and publish it without letting it sit for a few days before i water it down, but i kind of miss how open and personal those kind of posts are. even if it makes me vulnerable. because when it comes down to it, i don't ever want to not be vulnerable, i have decided. blog resolution for the rest of the year? 

so today i'm thinking about two things. i'm thinking about expectations in friendships and i'm thinking about change.

i think one of the best things i've learned about being 20 is that at any point in time, any one of us has the ability to change. whether that be something about yourself, something about your future, something about your life, or something about your relationships, you have the ability to do what you need to do selfishly. of course, a year ago the idea of change scared me. the unknown scared me. and instead of realizing it was because i was scared about what it meant for me since i didn't have any sort of plan i was excited about for myself, i turned my frustration to people around me and blamed it all on them. i hated the idea that people could change. i wanted stability because it meant i could live in my own safe bubble.

of course, i was shown wrong. and, having been the initiator in my own life to make all sorts of changes, i kind of want to slap myself across the head for ever thinking change at this age was a bad thing. sure, phases happen and it takes mistakes to get to where you want to go, but isn't it kind of amazing that we have this ability to switch directions at a moments notice while we're this young? is it fair to hate someone for wanting that for themselves even if it means losing that person's friendship? 

no. i guess it's kind of the risk we run with any friendship or relationship we make. connections may fade simply because of a change in interest or direction. and the ones that matter will remain strong but i guess what i'm saying is that expecting anyone to stay the same isn't fair. it's a beautiful thing, this ability to do what we want for ourselves and for ourselves only. we hope we'll get to be there alongside our friends' lives as it happens but that isn't always the case. i know i've changed and i know i've fallen out of touch with a few people because of it, and not for personal reasons, but because we no longer wanted to spend our time the same ways. because time is so valuable. with new passions come new people and with growing up comes a lot of learning about what exactly we want out of our life and our time.

so i guess i'm saying now that i've been there and now that i understand, i am at peace with this whole concept of change. i embrace it, for me and everyone else. i know nothing right now except experiences and the strong relationships i have will be permanent and i'm okay with that. i'm okay with the other things being somewhat temporary. i wouldn't want anyone to expect me to stay the same and now i know i don't expect that from anyone else, either.

wittle freshmen maggie.

this week i just didn't feel like me

this week was a weird week

it started out well. extremely well, to be sure. and then i got sick. and then two of the classes i needed to override into and even sat through two lectures of didn't pan out so i can't register for upper level english lit classes for yet another semester which had me reconsidering my choice of changing major that was so safe and predictable. then there were general bad moods, a night i only got two hours of sleep because i was so sick when i just wanted my momma, and meaningless other stresses all around to be felt. i don't like to complain or be in bad moods for very long because i start to feel guilty knowing my petty problems hardly compare to those of others' so i stayed quiet about it all. lastly, early in the week, for a solid 24 hours i thought i was done blogging forever. i sincerely did. there were a lot of reasons behind it, a lot of reasons i've mulled over for months, but in the end i know i blog for myself. i just have to remember that sometimes and not lose sight of why this blog matters to me. plus, it's just a blog, after all.

i just didn't feel like myself this week through all the negativity and self doubt. that's unlike me. and even when things aren't really that bad, i feel like when i start to lose my footing in one area of my life, i start to lose it in all. 

in light of all of that, this week finally ended and that alone gives me hope. this cold is finally getting better! i may be able to sleep without a heavy dosage of nyquil tonight! i brushed my hair before class this morning! i sang along to the music in my car even though it sent me into a coughing fit immediately after! i signed up for a different class instead i would have had to take later that didn't require a prerequisite! and i'm currently watching the newly purchased copy of pride & prejudice the bbc version i bought at walmart tonight in which i made a big fat fool of myself in my sick delirious state by talking too loudly out loud with my cat who meows at me if i stop petting him. 

uh, oh.

so it's one in the morning and i'm back home nestled into the familiar burgundy couch i will argue is the comfiest couch in the entire world (the amount of times i've fallen asleep on it during a movie after 7pm is embarrassing). i was in one of my "blah, i've done nothing for two days and if i don't do something i'm going to cry of boredom" kind of moods. but it was one in the morning and what can you do when your only friend is a cup of tazo tea but stare at the ceiling. tv was simply not an option. three days straight of twelve hour tv days can do that to a person (okay, maybe eight). so naturally i let my mind wander which is a very, very bad thing to let my mind do because it will travel to dangerous places as i'm about to explain. the mordor of dark places. and the question someone had asked me earlier in the day stuck itself in my brain, backed it into a corner, and finally forced it to answer that cruel monster of a question. take that, question.

what are you going to do with your english major now, maggie? 
to the people that have since asked, i answered with faked confidence, "become a writer! of course!" which might be true but it's safer than the actual answer i came up with at one in the morning.

and the one i came up with, finally shoving that question back into the corner it had stuck me in, I DON'T KNOW!

i have no idea! i couldn't tell you if i'm going to be a writer let alone what kind of writer i would be if that were true or what direction i will take. maybe if people keep paying me to take their pictures that's what i'll do! i do love taking pictures. maybe an internship this summer will make me realize exactly what i want to do! maybe it will prove to me what i don't want and i'll be forced to take yet another direction!

the point is? you graduate high school and you're expected to go to college and pick a major and while you aren't really expected to know exactly what you want to do someday, you're expected to come up with a vague "smart" answer. at least, that's what adults want to think when you mumble what you want to do after you enter the real world with your college degree. but for the first time, i'm happy being 20 years old and having no answer. i'm happy to own up to that and look them in their worried faces and say, "i don't know." and i'm happy that even though i don't know, it doesn't mean i'm lazy, it just means this is an opportunity to work even harder to make opportunities happen for myself and follow my gut to figure out just what i love to do. and if anything in the past two and a half years, i have learned what hard work is. i was just missing the part of the equation that was passion.

i'm figuring it out and hanging on to every cheesy quote out there and by golly, i'm going to do what i love.
 

coffee crisis

i was late to school today.

i didn't get breakfast and skipped the shower.

i got coffee before lab and if i know anything, it's that when i have coffee on an empty stomach and less than five hours of sleep, my mind goes to bad places and the worst part of my personality rears its head.

then my friend in lab said, hey MAGGIE, we should live together next year since we both want to get a house and you, me, and your roommate are all REALLY chill people and it would be awesome.

WHICH WOULD BE AWESOME.

and then i text my roommate to tell her about the genius idea that we'd never thought of and she replies, MAGGIE, you have no idea what you're doing next year!

so then i sit there, dumbfounded, realizing what she just said is so true.

am i going to study abroad this summer, potentially running the risk of missing my sister's graduation which absolutely can not happen and instead go in the fall!? am i going to live in idaho this summer where i can take pictures, take summer school classes and live cheaply at home, or am i going to live in missoula because i will be renting a house and the lease will start early?! BUT WAIT, that's dependent on deciding on studying abroad and i can't decide if i'm going to apply to any summer internships until i decide on that, either.

AND THEN, everyone, i realized that these decisions are relatively small compared to the great big ones, like choosing to double major and finish school back in idaho once my scholarship dough runs out, and what i'm even doing anymore. in the grand scheme of things, my only plan is to finish school with my degree(s?) and figure it all out after that but it only dawned on me today that i have next to no idea what anything in the next five years looks like and not being pre-med anymore (I SAID IT) means i don't. have. a. plan.

what can i do!? my only accomplishments include getting this far into school as a slightly above average student, learning how to master my curling iron to do exactly what i want it to do on day one washed hair, day two, and day three, building a complete scarf collection, becoming a moderately functional adult living on their own for the first time, eating a serving of fruit every day, creating a photography business spur of the moment that supports my plane ticket aspirations and gas and groceries, nailing craig's list antique furniture shopping, and owning two signed things by john green.

it's terrifying. it's awesome when i'm not on a caffeine high, but terrifying at the moment to the girl who always has a plan. i know it'll all be okay, it will, and the future is exciting.

but... really, what am i going to do next year/summer/fall?

it's probably best at this point to go paint my nails and watch the new gossip girl. and then sob over my physics notes and realize all of this banter is stemming solely from end of the semester nerves.

everything has changed

remember when i realized dresses and i had never really broken up, i'd just fallen out of love with florals? well, folks. i think i was wrong... again. because i'm all for this dress. i realize now maybe it was how i was styling them. and maybe i was getting tired of feeling like a four year old when i wore them. and maybe this new hair makes even floral a little less girly. who knows?

i love realizing that everything happening right now feels like it's happening how it was supposed to. i love that i've come into myself and figured out what makes me happy. a friend told me the other day that he thought i seemed adventurous and while i've always love adventure, it struck me that i finally feel like i am becoming the person i want to be. i want to travel and go on crazy trips that take more time to get to than i'm even there for. i am in this point in my life where i just want to see every single thing i can, meet every person i can, and do everything i've always wanted to do. not later, not in a few years, but right now. i think that i would have become this person i am today regardless, but i had the tendency over the past year to tell myself that i would get to everything else eventually. i'd study abroad someday, i'd try new hobbies eventually, and i'd figure what i truly wanted to do later. instead, it's all happening right now and i'm so excited about the future. i'm sorry if this is a dead beaten horse on my blog anymore but i just can't get enough of this thirst to be everything i can right now and push myself.

i went to the mall here two days ago with a friend who specifically needed to get a pair of tights from the gap. now, in seattle i found nothing i really wanted except for cool socks, but in missoula i somehow found myself making a christmas list ten items long. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

somehow i'm on a lucky streak at starbucks where i've only paid for two of my drinks in the past two months. today i went to buy tea to make myself chai tea lattes every morning, got suckered into buying one of their holiday cups (i mean, i did ruin my previous one in the dish washer...), and because i just couldn't wait until i got home to make one, ordered a chai tea latte. the order rang up as $24.80... and yet with one wink of the male employee, i was only charged for the tea tumbler and he gave me my drink and tea for free? it made my week.

i'm heading home for the long weekend because i was able to book enough work to make the trip worth it and i am almost peeing my pants at the thought of possibly driving in the snow storm that may or may not hit. here's to hoping my subaru does me well!

dress: lulus // tights: gap // shoes: thrifted // scarf: nordstroms

it could be...

that i celebrated the success of a wonderfully successful photography weekend and a good grade on a physics midterm (WHAT!) by a little *more* retail therapy. on that note, my christmas is basically already accounted for and my handmedown iphone 4 is about to be bedazzled.

i have decided on two crazy crazy goals for myself that make me both extremely happy and extremely nervous that i can't let myself go into detail about yet until i've actually made significant progress in both (for commitment is one of my bigger struggles).

i finished an entire season of sherlock in less than 24 hours. which means 4.5 hours of those 24 hours were spent watching sherlock. i'm okay with this.

i fail in the art of getting a boy to ask me out. 

one of my all time favorite bloggers is BACK!

blogging nearly every day is becoming a habit i'm growing to love.

i was told i'm not a hipster because i'm not annoying. biggest compliment of my life (let's ignore the fact that i have NO idea why people are still trying to say i am, it's not flattering).

i designed my first ever complete blog layout for someone and it was the most tedious exciting five hours of my life (link to come!).

my cat and i have an abusive relationship. and the more i ignore him, the more he hurts me when i finally have time to cuddle before bed. 

i think i love my parents more than anything in this world. and their phone calls make my day. it scares me sometimes to realize i'm truly never going to "live" at home with them again but knowing also that i have two amazing people to forever watch and learn from is extremely comforting. they're only as far as i want them to be, really.

missoula

i'll be honest, all summer i kind of dreaded coming back to school. i didn't want to come back to reality. i wanted to live in the safety nest i had built for myself all summer at my parents' house with my sister by my side each and every night. i was scared. missoula thus far has been a place i've come to as a freshmen not knowing a single person but always having one person to have my back when i was lonely and again as a sophomore with an entire life i'd made for myself and with that person there physically.  i came back this time as a junior to the life i'd built here for two years, but very differently than the previous two years. on my own maybe more noticeably than ever before. i was scared.

ten days later, and while i've discovered that, yes, it is in every way as lonely if not more so than i expected, that loneliness is kind of welcoming. i had no idea what it was going to be like to move into an apartment nor how different it would feel than a dorm. in the nights i've had alone, the apartment all by myself, i sincerely felt like i was alone, with only myself for entertainment. unlike the dorms, where i always felt like i was surrounded by two hundred people even in my own room. initially it was weird and involved a lot of talking to myself and the occasional phone call to hear another person's voice, but then it slowly became invigorating and exciting. i finished my homework by 4pm, i read a book for an hour every night, i made myself dinner, i assembled my own furniture and began tackling some pinterest DIY projects for my room (SO EXCITED), i cleaned my bathroom and did the dishes, i drank a lot of tea, and i wrote a lot. alone can be lonely, but hanging out with myself has become my favorite new hobby. it's a little bit like getting to know myself again.

another thing i realized this week as well was just how much missoula (and montana) has come to define me lately. i was skeptical about how much life i had, in fact, left for just myself and how much of missoula was still all my own. i guess when you build a life for yourself over the course of a year and then another person becomes a part of it the next year, there were a lot of gray areas i wasn't sure were still just "mine" anymore. what a silly thought. 

the thing about montana is that i went into it as a freshmen expecting a lot of the same culture, people, and experiences i have in idaho. i expected hippies galore, outdoor recreation aplenty, and a whole lot of coffee shops, but nothing very new or different. missoula definitely didn't disappoint my expectations, in fact, missoula has by far exceeded them and surprised me in so many ways. there are hippies galore, but they are 1000% hippies who are genuinely and passionately themselves, not a select few playing the part. in fact, i don't even think i knew what a true hippie was until i came to montana. there's outdoor recreation, but the mountains are bigger and the rivers are closer and you'll never cross a bridge in town without spotting kayakers or rafters in the river who will wave with the biggest grin you've ever seen plastered across their face. the "outdoorsy" don't just love the outdoors, they are the outdoors and don't just spend the occasional weekend out in the woods, they are in them every single day. everyone here is filled with a passion tenfold of what i've found in idaho and you see it in the eyes of missoulians that they love their lives and best of all, themselves. montana can't be described except to say that it is just so far and beyond what comes to mind when you think 'montana' and it is truly a place of crazy, happy passionate people that are full of so much life. i mean, where else in the country do classes get cancelled when the mountains get a foot of powder, a sixty degree day in the sun long after spring was supposed to arrive equals the entire pasty population of missoula coming out and laying out on the still-snowy-in-places beach, and festivals happen just about every single weekend dedicated to hemp, tye-dye, and music?

missoula has become a home, a different one than the one i was born into, and a special home because it's the first one i chose for myself. while the gray areas of what used to be 'my world' are still there and there are memories scattered on every street block, it doesn't feel any emptier or anything less than it was.  i'm growing to know myself again in a way i couldn't at home and loving the space that being alone provides. in fact, i think for a while, i might be my favorite person to spend my saturdays and tuesday nights with.

double dots

I don't know when the obsession with polka dots began. Two people have said to me, "I think polka dots are your new floral," and I couldn't believe my eyes when I realized it was true; every other piece in my closet is practically polka-dotted. In fact, I think the way I dress has changed a lot in a very short amount of time and I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out why that is and how it happened exactly. I didn't set out to look different than before or change it up and the only explanation I can come up with is that the changes I went through are being reflected in how I express myself in whatever way it is that I am these days. I still love bright colors, but maybe not in such large doses. I've become a separates gal through and through. I'm definitely not and will never be a "high fashion" "trendy" gal but I think these days I'm geared towards timeless and more structured pieces with a twist. Blazers with polka dots (favorite back to school item), scalloped shorts, peplum white lace tops, button down tops in different patterns, and a lot of solids as well. Who knows!?

By the time you read this, I'll be back at school already and moved into my new apartment... permanently. I can't believe this. I can't believe how fast August went, how different the past couple of weeks have been mentally than the entire summer, how thankful I am for the experiences I had with new people and old, and that I'm going into my junior year of college. I have a direction that I lacked coming out of my last semester and a focus on me I'm excited about. I wrote a silly dumb letter to summer like I've done each summer now that I've been blogging and I was tearing up like a sap.

I love this blog, but not because of the posed pictures I post and outfits I dress up in, but because of this community and the amazing people I've met here. I know that's probably redundant and something everyone here says, but I'll never forget the support and love you've sent nor the many, many emails I've received this summer detailing personal stories and emotional periods you all have gone through. YOU are what inspire me to do better, be better, and keep on keepin' on. Thank you for all who have been any part of this little sector of my life.

blazer: Ruche // dress: Selective Potential Shop // shorts: Charolette Russe //

shoes: Urban Outfitters