i was late to school today.
i didn't get breakfast and skipped the shower.
i got coffee before lab and if i know anything, it's that when i have coffee on an empty stomach and less than five hours of sleep, my mind goes to bad places and the worst part of my personality rears its head.
then my friend in lab said, hey MAGGIE, we should live together next year since we both want to get a house and you, me, and your roommate are all REALLY chill people and it would be awesome.
WHICH WOULD BE AWESOME.
and then i text my roommate to tell her about the genius idea that we'd never thought of and she replies, MAGGIE, you have no idea what you're doing next year!
so then i sit there, dumbfounded, realizing what she just said is so true.
am i going to study abroad this summer, potentially running the risk of missing my sister's graduation which absolutely can not happen and instead go in the fall!? am i going to live in idaho this summer where i can take pictures, take summer school classes and live cheaply at home, or am i going to live in missoula because i will be renting a house and the lease will start early?! BUT WAIT, that's dependent on deciding on studying abroad and i can't decide if i'm going to apply to any summer internships until i decide on that, either.
AND THEN, everyone, i realized that these decisions are relatively small compared to the great big ones, like choosing to double major and finish school back in idaho once my scholarship dough runs out, and what i'm even doing anymore. in the grand scheme of things, my only plan is to finish school with my degree(s?) and figure it all out after that but it only dawned on me today that i have next to no idea what anything in the next five years looks like and not being pre-med anymore (I SAID IT) means i don't. have. a. plan.
what can i do!? my only accomplishments include getting this far into school as a slightly above average student, learning how to master my curling iron to do exactly what i want it to do on day one washed hair, day two, and day three, building a complete scarf collection, becoming a moderately functional adult living on their own for the first time, eating a serving of fruit every day, creating a photography business spur of the moment that supports my plane ticket aspirations and gas and groceries, nailing craig's list antique furniture shopping, and owning two signed things by john green.
it's terrifying. it's awesome when i'm not on a caffeine high, but terrifying at the moment to the girl who always has a plan. i know it'll all be okay, it will, and the future is exciting.
but... really, what am i going to do next year/summer/fall?
it's probably best at this point to go paint my nails and watch the new gossip girl. and then sob over my physics notes and realize all of this banter is stemming solely from end of the semester nerves.
