This week, I was hands down, an airhead. A bimbo. A nutcase. However you want to call it. People talked to me and I paid attention for maybe part of what they said before zoning out halfway through to go over my to do list for the umpteenth time. I didn't even mean to do it, I just couldn't focus on one thing while thinking about the thousand things I couldn't forget. Let me reiterate that packing and moving out of your apartment while also taking finals and nannying is not the way to pack and move out of your apartment or take your finals or nanny. Oops.
And yet! It's done! I'm all set and almost caught up on my lack of sleep from last week! I'm trying to desperately wane myself off of the massive amounts of caffeine I had last week! I'm ready for Seattle- which made the craziness of last week worth it!
If there's one thing I know about myself, however, it's that when I'm tired (like most people), I get emotional. Not cranky, but emotional. And maybe it was a sleep exhaustion induced episode, but towards the end of my packing when my walls were completely bare and floor cleared of every piece of furniture and random sock- I sat in the middle of it and just had a *moment*. A cliche holy-crap-where-did-the-time-go moment but also a I-can't-believe-how-different-I-feel-now moment.
If I could tell the person I was a year ago all the things were in store, I would have probably wanted to run away from it all. I would have been terrified. I just want to shake my head at that person. At a time when I desperately needed to let go of friends, a way of living, ideas about my future, and the many insecurities I had, I was also petrified of change. I needed it, but I was too afraid to even think about anything at all changing whether it was my living situation or major. And as good as my summer was last summer, it was also emotionally exhausting to keep my head up and think positively because I had to force myself to accept change even though I didn't want to. When I moved into this apartment, I didn't want to start school or face Missoula to make the changes in my life I wanted to. I just couldn't let change penetrate the other areas of my life that needed it.
I don't think you ever really know the affect you have on another person. But the new friendships I formed and the ones I made stronger than before by focusing my attention on them and not other toxic ones- they affected me in huge ways. They made me face those things I wanted to keep my back turned to and appreciate change. I have the people I met and great friends I have for changing my perspective and for being part of the new world I made for myself in Montana. I have them to thank for being encouraging and making me realize I should be studying what I love.
I confronted so many things this year. Things I was scared of but too proud to admit I was scared of. Dumb, silly things I hate myself for being scared of when it all seems so obvious and clear to me now. It only makes sense to study something you're passionate about and excited to attend class for, it only makes sense to be friends who have similar interests and are a positive role in your life, it only makes sense to do things that make you happy, and best of all, it only makes sense to take chances and risks now for your future because why not!? If I didn't decide to find an internship and live in Seattle, I would have been living in Idaho all summer and while it wouldn't have been a horrible situation, there was no reason for me not to try to do more.
And this summer is truly and absolutely going to be the best summer of my life. Everything fell into place and my happiness is through the roof. I'm not afraid of the things I was scared of before. I'm exhilarated and ready.
And I might still be feeling the emotional sappiness from being tired because I still have some rest to get before I'm top speed again- but seriously. I mean it. If there's something, even small, you can do to change your life in a good way and it's possible, do it.