Wednesday, May 1

always, always, always going to be an idaho gal

there's something about idaho.

let me make it very clear: my loyalty and love for idaho has no bounds. it is limitless and it will never be lessened or weakened. 

but let me make something else very clear. i can't live there anymore or ever again. and nothing makes me quite so happy as leaving after i've been here for a couple days. that's it, ladies and gentlemen. my idaho limit is all of 48 hours. but simultaneously, nothing makes me happier than the two days i am there that i drive on the same roads i drove on when i was 17 and falling in love for the first time, have coffee with my sister in the coffee shop i did homework my senior year when bribing myself with pastries was the only way to get anything done, sleep in the comfort of the house i can remember walking through when i was in second grade before my parents decided to buy it, and see the mountain that has watched over our little town for the eighteen years i lived there. i swear, there are a dozen memories for every square foot of moscow. every place has its meaning there. every place holds some sort of fragment of myself that would later be pieced together to define me when i packed my 47 scarves and DSLR for montana. i love remembering (hence, blogging). i love returning to the person i was who lived there for eighteen years and in that way, it's timeless. time stops there. 

and that's why, too, as soon as i've seen those fragments face to face, i'm able to see those parts of myself clearly and remember my reasons for leaving. i leave feeling invigorated and renewed. i know why i'm meant to leave, so i can do something more and be something more than i could be there. i know i've gotten all i could get from home and it's time i attach memories to new streets, corners, and park benches as i've done in missoula. and that's why at the end of last summer i knew in the back of my mind i wouldn't be coming back for an extended period of time again for a while. i knew that the following summer, i had to do something different. i had to expand my love for idaho elsewhere and see where it could get me. even if it meant making someone coffee or washing dishes in another lab somewhere else, i knew i just couldn't do it there. 

and so this winter, i did it! and as of last week, i succeeded. after applying to dozens of internships, abusing every connection and resource i had, getting rejected so many times it started to feel like i wasn't meant to get out at all, i was offered an amazing opportunity to intern in seattle this summer.

that's my news. I AM LIVING IN SEATTLE THIS SUMMER. with an internship, house to sit, commute to the city every day, and a completely new and different place to explore and let those fragments wander. 

but as i left idaho this weekend, knowing what i know now and that my visits here are just going to be visits from here on out, i wasn't as happy to leave as i was before. nostalgic, even. because even though moscow never ever changes, it's the person you are that does. and as much as i can see the old parts of myself there, i know they're meant to be in the past. i don't need to remember that person anymore because as i said, they're just a part of me now. it doesn't feel like i'm torn between places i've lived and called home anymore, it feels like i'm whole and have the pieces with me that i've picked up wherever i go. i'm always going to be an idaho girl through and through, wheat field lover and small town adorer, but that doesn't mean that i can't be an idaho girl and nothing else. it's time for something different. it's time for some change, even if it's only barely a start.
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10 comments:

Megan Nash said...

Congrats on your internship. Seattle I hear is beautiful I am actually moving to Washington State this August I am nervous because I have never been there but isn't life amazing:)

Natalie said...

I love this post so much. What you said about having a dozen memories for every square foot of Moscow, that's how I feel about my town, but again like you said, I can't stand living there again now that I know what it's like not to. The only appeal there for me are my best friends. Other than that.... nothing.

But, oh my goodness, I am so excited for you and your summer in Seattle and your internship. Even though I am saddened it means you can't come to Austin, it will be an amazing experience. And I am so happy for you.

Brooke Stapleton said...

OH MY YES. stole the words right outta my heart about sweet ol' moscow. love that place but 48 hours has me maxed out.

it sure is a nice home base though, huh?

Sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shawnee said...

oh man, i love this post! i feel the exact same way about my little hometown in upper michigan.. it's beyond beautiful. an incredible amount of memories, that need to be left there. moved on. after all, they are memories. almost all of my family lives there, so i love to visit, but just visit. it's hard saying ill never live there because of them, but it's true. i just can't.

"it's the person you are that does [changes]" YES. thank you for being honest -- i can relate so much, and you put into words exactly how i feel.

and CONGRATS on seattle! what an exciting opportunity! so excited for you.

xoxo

Hannah said...

Awesome, awesome, awesome! I'm so proud of you and all the growing up you're doing. Even though I only know you from a blog, it's just so fun to see you go from a "kid" to a young adult - making fancy decisions like travelling far from home and starting YOUR life. It's not anybody elses! I hope this is a really rewarding experience for you. Can't wait to read/see about your new adventures. :D

carly said...

this post speaks to me in so many different ways. that's how I'm starting to feel of my own beautiful home state here in Washington. now that I'm home and done with school, I feel like there are so many bigger things I'm meant to do than be back in my childhood home. that doesn't diminish my love for home though, not all. I am a born and raised Washington lady who loves her home state like a kid loves ice cream. sometimes you just know when it's time to extend your roots though and see what else there is out there.

on that note, you are going to LOVE it here. I'm sure you have plenty of Seattle advice, but if you EVER want any out-of-city advice, please don't even hesitate to ask. did I mention I love my home state? ;) I live about 45 minutes out of the city and can totally give the low-down on some awesome hikes, hidden little parks, fresh-air filled day trips to surrounding towns/cities, and the best little hidden small-town burger/milkshake place there ever was.

CONGRATULATIONS!! June-September's the BEST time of year to be here :)

Shelby said...

I love this post soooo much. Like so much. Congrats on the internship! That is going to be such an amazing opportunity for you. Ahh I am so excited for you, and can't wait to hear about your adventures this summer!

shelbyisms said...

YOUR INTERNSHIP RULES.

shayla. said...

pretty pictures :)