Sunday, June 16

My family came + I melted into a self pitying puddle

Today, a month after arriving, I finally reached the point of just too much city. I'm kind of surprised a moment like it didn't happen sooner. I have reached the point in the past where I needed to close my eyes for a second in the middle of the street to relax for a moment. However, whether it was because I had to say goodbye to my sister and second family as they left Seattle for the weekend or because I really was just fed up with going nearly three weeks without a day at home to just rest and not go anywhere at all, today I'd pretty much just had enough city. I put on my sunglasses and stuck my head phones in my ears (is this why everyone in the city wears sunglasses and listens to music as they walk around?) so at least I couldn't hear the city noise and like a child thought, if they can't see my eyes, they can't see me, right!? And feeling about as invisible as I could on a busy Sunday morning with families around me going to Father's Day brunch, I found a place to sit that wasn't a green grassy park  where I could lay down and look at the clouds but instead the next best thing which was a mini garden of sorts between two buildings with three floors of concrete stairs leading down to the Seattle Great Wheel with the Puget Sound in front of me. I allowed myself to have a mini pity party even as I knew that truly, I had no valid complaints. Life is as great now as it has ever been. I just felt alone when I didn't want to feel alone.

Plus, there was the fact that after an empty house was made a full one for two nights, it wasn't until I got to feel its fullness that I really felt the emptiness in its entirety. And maybe I didn't want to really go back it without my sister. Not once in a month has having a house to myself to live in felt lonely until suddenly I had people in it and people to leave it.

I like this living alone stuff. It's forced me to cut the crap and grow the heck up a little bit here and there. Less dilly dallying, more work and efficiency. It's made me a more streamlined version of myself. Living all alone has been one of the best experiences I've ever had but it takes a certain amount of energy and responsibility, too, to do it all alone. My room is still borderline Hoarders due to my clothes thrown about but I'm on top of my stuff 100%. Life is organized down to the minute during the week. The money I spend is my own and boy is Seattle expensive. My dad in an email recently told me I was on the right track in life and doing it right so as I sat on the steps feeling a little bit sorry for myself, I took another second to remind myself of what I was doing. Starting a new life, if only for four months, is a big deal. At least, it's the biggest thing I've ever done on my own. I can say with complete certainty that moving to Seattle for the summer is one of those choices I made that is going to precede many other big ones to follow that I never would have made without this summer. It's completing me and filling holes I didn't even know needed to be filled. 

But, I miss my family. I miss comfort. For twenty minutes on some stairs in the middle of Seattle today, I missed familiarity. And yet, when I got moving again off those dumb stairs where my pride bit the dust, I looked not at the sky but at those tall, tall buildings and thanked the city for all that it's giving me. Which, really, is everything I've ever wanted. This is my time right now, my time of independence and discovery, even if I wish I had my little sister to watch How I Met Your Mother with me tonight.

*******

weekend pictures! honestly, we were pretty lazy. all weekend.
but sometimes those are the best weekends. target, how i met your mother, 
new swimming suits,
ferry & bus rides, and a lot of good food.
afterlight photo (32) photo (31) afterlight (1)

4 comments:

Minda said...

What a beautiful family and such great pictures of everything :)

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Margaret said...

I am going through the same thing that you are, except I've been in the city for almost three years now. I've always lived in Suburbia and then the Palouse, so when I moved to New York, everything was exhilarating because it was all so fast. It didn't hit me until now, summer break, when I have more time to think, how much I long for a slower pace for even just a day and escape somewhere quiet. But you get used to it and you still will have these moments when city life just may seem too overwhelming.

Sara @ Saison said...

I think this is just part of city-life. Everything is going along fine...until one day, everything just falls apart! And then you can't find any alone space to deal with it, especially when your commute home is about an hour.

You'll be a stronger person for it :)

kylee said...

"I just felt alone when I didn't want to feel alone." my favorite line. i love the concept of filling holes you didn't know needed to be filled. i feel like that's what life's trials are all about, filling us in places we never saw as holes.