change

i miss posts like these.

posts i write that kind of aren't really for anyone else but purely written from the inner workings of my mind. unfiltered and unedited. i don't know what's kept me from being able to write a post and publish it without letting it sit for a few days before i water it down, but i kind of miss how open and personal those kind of posts are. even if it makes me vulnerable. because when it comes down to it, i don't ever want to not be vulnerable, i have decided. blog resolution for the rest of the year? 

so today i'm thinking about two things. i'm thinking about expectations in friendships and i'm thinking about change.

i think one of the best things i've learned about being 20 is that at any point in time, any one of us has the ability to change. whether that be something about yourself, something about your future, something about your life, or something about your relationships, you have the ability to do what you need to do selfishly. of course, a year ago the idea of change scared me. the unknown scared me. and instead of realizing it was because i was scared about what it meant for me since i didn't have any sort of plan i was excited about for myself, i turned my frustration to people around me and blamed it all on them. i hated the idea that people could change. i wanted stability because it meant i could live in my own safe bubble.

of course, i was shown wrong. and, having been the initiator in my own life to make all sorts of changes, i kind of want to slap myself across the head for ever thinking change at this age was a bad thing. sure, phases happen and it takes mistakes to get to where you want to go, but isn't it kind of amazing that we have this ability to switch directions at a moments notice while we're this young? is it fair to hate someone for wanting that for themselves even if it means losing that person's friendship? 

no. i guess it's kind of the risk we run with any friendship or relationship we make. connections may fade simply because of a change in interest or direction. and the ones that matter will remain strong but i guess what i'm saying is that expecting anyone to stay the same isn't fair. it's a beautiful thing, this ability to do what we want for ourselves and for ourselves only. we hope we'll get to be there alongside our friends' lives as it happens but that isn't always the case. i know i've changed and i know i've fallen out of touch with a few people because of it, and not for personal reasons, but because we no longer wanted to spend our time the same ways. because time is so valuable. with new passions come new people and with growing up comes a lot of learning about what exactly we want out of our life and our time.

so i guess i'm saying now that i've been there and now that i understand, i am at peace with this whole concept of change. i embrace it, for me and everyone else. i know nothing right now except experiences and the strong relationships i have will be permanent and i'm okay with that. i'm okay with the other things being somewhat temporary. i wouldn't want anyone to expect me to stay the same and now i know i don't expect that from anyone else, either.

wittle freshmen maggie.