capable or something like it

Tonight this little thing that has been sort of my baby that I've slowly grown emotionally attached to its success of because of my hours of tedious work fine tuning everything to be perfect finally came to be. It happened. All of the details came together; floor plans were made three dimensional, arrangements were finalized, and introductions were made .

Tonight I realized how far I've come in just a month at the sort of thing my job requires which includes a whole lot of self confidence (because the number of times you're shot down is much higher than the number of times you're received kindly) and a sort of suave charm. A kind of charming that is very warm and sincere but without being bubbly or sweet- which is exactly that kind of thing comes across as fake. I fueled myself up on carbs and water all day just so that nothing, no emotion or thought, would be forced. Whether it was my experience that pulled through or preparations, it worked. Tonight I mingled and suave-charmed my way around a room of 250 strangers and didn't blink once.

Tonight I wore heels for nine hours straight and my feet didn't hate me. This has to be some sort of coming of age miracle. 

Tonight I think I realized what is so good about my job that goes beyond the job description. The fact is, the people I'm surrounded by are people I look up to and aspire to be like someday.

Tonight I drove myself back home from the Ballard neighborhood in Seattle at 10pm. Having missed my ferry and with 45 minutes of spare free time, I drove myself to a burger place I went to with friends two weeks ago, navigated there without my phone's GPS, and then got myself to Kerry Park alone to consume the best peanut butter oreo milkshake in the world. I didn't even bring my phone with me. I didn't take any pictures. It wasn't the vast rolling hills in front of me like I was talking about missing the other day, but it was the first quiet peaceful moment I've had by myself in weeks. And, I let myself absorb the last month fully. At the end of those 45 minutes what I decided after trying to organize my thoughts about the last month was quite simple: that I am proud of myself.

Tonight when someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I said I didn't know, but I wanted to write about things I loved, whether that be the world, the people in it, the environment, or just my lovely stupidly wonderful life- I didn't know. And he said, "You'll do it." Tonight I felt capable.