No, no, I've actually tried to write three separate blog posts today and I dramatically threw my hands up in the air after the last pathetic attempt deciding to just be real with all of you people (who are you people!? I forget anyone reads my blog; regardless of those blog stats, I'm still convinced no one does): today I am TIRED. I could probably write two thousand words about my tiredness right now along with a number of things that's happened in my life lately and thoughts I'm having. But I'm just too sleepy to even attempt it.
My tiredness is a brand new kind of tired. It's a tiredness that not only comes from the end of a long day, but a tiredness in feeling like I'm always on high alert. I'm always observing, always making note of the couple holding hands in front of me that should be on a postcard and the homeless man with the sign that says "God taught me to be honest and I need money for weed", and always aware. It's a lot to take in all the time and part of me sees something, jots it down, and can't wait to revisit that memory later when I'm back in Montana where life is more flexible and shock absorbant. All of these snippets from my day are being stacked on top of one another and wedged into slivers of my brain but at the end of the day, it sometimes feels like there's no more room for anything else. I simply can't process anything and it all blurs together. I can't fit it all on my blog or in my journals or even to another person that asks me, "How's Seattle?"
That is a tiredness I've never known. In Montana and Idaho, I'm usually grappling for the kinds of things that you see everywhere you look in Seattle. In Montana and Idaho, I make a big deal out of the smallest things whereas here, the small things stand great all on their own without any frills. I'm tired, in the best most fulfilling way I've known, but in a way that also makes me wish for some time in the rolling hills of the Palouse for my thoughts to just sit in my head to feel some solidarity about it all.