Friday, June 22
you don't know it now, but there are some things that need to be said
In high school, I think I romanticized the idea of being "closed off". I was open with a lot of people, but not about the more "serious" things. I think I kind of loved the idea of someone breaking down my walls enough so I could let them in. I wasn't particularly 'giving' or easy to get to know. There's nothing wrong with being guarded nor with being careful about who you trust, but in so many ways I now have to ask myself if that was really the reason, or if it was because I was comfortable the way I was by myself and thought I could take it all on alone. I was wrong. I couldn't.
Something that keeps coming up in my conversations with one of my best friends is that in relationships, of any kind, you should be able to be honest. It sounds so simple but it's more than just about being honest, it's about being able to tell someone you love exactly how you feel knowing that you can do that and they'll still be there. You should be able to tell them something they may not want to hear, something that makes them uncomfortable, and you should be able to defend yourself and tell them when they are just being silly. If you're not, it can eat you away and you're really not doing yourself or them justice by staying silent. It's like the way you can get in your siblings face about something and express your frustration knowing that without a doubt, you will be able to talk it out and they aren't going to just walk away forever because of something you said. Real love is more than that. I think I was immature in high school to think that someone else should have to pry something out of me; being completely honest and open is so important. I've developed some amazing friendships that way by just letting every guard down and every wall fade away because I know without a doubt, I can say what I want when I want and they can do the same, and they'll still be there. This applies to friends, family, "significant others", and everyone in between.
That's how relationships should be.
I've figured out just how easy it is to let people in when you need to and just how spectacular it is when it's reciprocated. It may not always be an equal give-and-take, but trying and failing is sometimes better than staying inside yourself. Honesty hurts but it is also the only thing you can count on sometimes to make things better.