when i'm not blogging a lot, it's because
i'm journaling a lot
and when i'm blogging a lot,
i'm not journaling a lot.
i think one of the most fantastic things about blogging is that my blog tends to be my place to document. i have pictures and written recaps of everything i've done for the past couple of years. however, on the flip side, i also have my personal journal which is definitely more personal but less of a place to document and more of a place to vent. it can get ugly. put together, i love that i'm able to look at my blog and see what i was doing and remember the small details of the moment and at the same time, flip to the same day in my journal to read how i was feeling in that moment. not that this blog is without feeling, but it does lack, ahem, an embarrassing amount of emotion in comparison to my journal. because let's be honest, i could never publicly broadcast some of that stuff, not even to my closest friends.
i've written in a journal since i was in second grade. i have boxes of them in my bedroom ranging from entire diaries about the boy i had a crush on in third grade to an entire diary about a death in the family i grieved through in writing when i was eleven. there's the journal from tenth grade in which i single handedly decided i hated every friend i had because of one person who taught me a lot about what friendship actually meant and then there's the journal from eleventh grade that's slightly sporadic and dull because seemingly nothing happened that year minus a few funny stories from honors chemistry and the one time i had to go to the principle's office because i called my dad from the bathroom with a feminine issue (the one time i used that excuse and it was true). i have my journal from senior year and the evolution of a friendship into a relationship, i have the journal from the summer before my freshmen year of college that in one word was perfect, and i have the journalS that have several blank pages when there was too much to feel to put on paper once i got to college and not enough time to try.
i love knowing that no matter what, i have these vivid recollections of everything i've gone through to look back on. i love learning from myself and my past mistakes and i love watching myself in my past journals manipulate myself into thinking one thing when what would happen next would reveal how stupid it was. they say history repeats itself and as much as i try to avoid it, reading my past journals this week has shown me that everything seems to happen in a cycle. between friends, relationships, school, and family, there's a pattern. the only thing that seems to change is me and how i handle it. i may make the same mistakes, but at the very least i love knowing that i'm getting ever so slightly better at dealing with them.
p.s. journals are my favorite present to receive. ever. and my birthday is next month ;)