Wednesday, June 6

it seems that

when i'm not blogging a lot, it's because
i'm journaling a lot
and when i'm blogging a lot,
i'm not journaling a lot.

i think one of the most fantastic things about blogging is that my blog tends to be my place to document. i have pictures and written recaps of everything i've done for the past couple of years. however, on the flip side, i also have my personal journal which is definitely more personal but less of a place to document and more of a place to vent. it can get ugly. put together, i love that i'm able to look at my blog and see what i was doing and remember the small details of the moment and at the same time, flip to the same day in my journal to read how i was feeling in that moment. not that this blog is without feeling, but it does lack, ahem, an embarrassing amount of emotion in comparison to my journal. because let's be honest, i could never publicly broadcast some of that stuff, not even to my closest friends. 

i've written in a journal since i was in second grade. i have boxes of them in my bedroom ranging from entire diaries about the boy i had a crush on in third grade to an entire diary about a death in the family i grieved through in writing when i was eleven. there's the journal from tenth grade in which i single handedly decided i hated every friend i had because of one person who taught me a lot about what friendship actually meant and then there's the journal from eleventh grade that's slightly sporadic and dull because seemingly nothing happened that year minus a few funny stories from honors chemistry and the one time i had to go to the principle's office because i called my dad from the bathroom with a feminine issue (the one time i used that excuse and it was true). i have my journal from senior year and the evolution of a friendship into a relationship, i have the journal from the summer before my freshmen year of college that in one word was perfect, and i have the journalS that have several blank pages when there was too much to feel to put on paper once i got to college and not enough time to try. 

i love knowing that no matter what, i have these vivid recollections of everything i've gone through to look back on. i love learning from myself and my past mistakes and i love watching myself in my past journals manipulate myself into thinking one thing when what would happen next would reveal how stupid it was. they say history repeats itself and as much as i try to avoid it, reading my past journals this week has shown me that everything seems to happen in a cycle. between friends, relationships, school, and family, there's a pattern. the only thing that seems to change is me and how i handle it. i may make the same mistakes, but at the very least i love knowing that i'm getting ever so slightly better at dealing with them. 

p.s. journals are my favorite present to receive. ever. and my birthday is next month ;)


kylee said...

i keep telling myself that i need to pick journaling back up. so much is written and shared on pages that can't, and quite frankly shouldn't, be shared on a blog -- and that's coming from a girl who gets pretty dang personal on the blog.

Natasha said...

so, so, so cool that you were able to keep up with journaling. I always tried and never followed through. I wish I had past journals to read like you do! And you'll cherish them more and more as you get older, I'm sure. I love that blogging is journaling of sorts. I've been able to stick with this so far, so maybe it's just about finding the right medium?

Anonymous said...

I like journaling too. It's way cheaper than a psycologist and it won't judge you. Ever. My journals have been my savior through many rough times in my life and I'm glad it has done the same for you!

Ebony said...

I always start new journals but never follow through... I use a different pen or my writing gets rushed one day and that's it! All over, red rover. That is so cool you've kept that up. Writing is so therapeutic :)