Thursday, May 3

why you gotta be so mean?

this one time, someone was really unfairly mean to me. it wasn't necessarily just that he wasn't in the place of authority to say the things he said, but that he definitely didn't have the right to say the things he did as a human. i came home crying from every practice and every game without fail, sometimes barely making it to my mom's car before i started sobbing and broke down in the car. i hated it. i hated every second. i hated that the wrong people got praised and the right people that deserved it were ignored or worse, treated like i was. i'm not saying i particularly deserved a golden spot, but i firmly believe that whether it's a sport or not, everyone deserves to be treated with respect. i mean, that's just common knowledge right? he made me feel worthless and broke my spirit completely that year. it was the only time i ever let someone feel like i didn't deserve something.

my parents weren't oblivious. i'm pretty sure looking back it was probably more difficult for them than it ever was for me. i told them not to do anything, to absolutely do nothing. but they did, being the amazing parents they were. at first i was upset. people found out and talked about it wondering who was the 'mole'. i was so embarrassed. but then something particularly wonderful happened. i got the chance to address him and it was perhaps the first "real" confrontation i ever had. i said exactly what i was feeling to his face and he was embarrassed. he apologized and even if i didn't believe it, he still did. and while he continued his antics after i graduated, he also quit getting away with it. other people stepped up to the plate. i was proud then.

years and years later, it made me realize two things. first that i have the best parents in the world that truly did have my back when they said they would. they were right. i don't doubt for a second that if i need them, they would be there for me like they were in one of the hardest times of my life. secondly, it made me realize that it made me become the kind of person that realized i would never again be a push over. i would never let someone walk all over me again and destroy me. i'm more brave now and it's still true that i will voice my opinion if i firmly believe someone isn't treating me or someone else close to me right. it's who i am and that's a big realization. sometimes it's somewhat unsettling only because of the backlash that sometimes occurs after the fact, but in the end it feels better knowing that i did something rather than let someone tell me i shouldn't think what i should. of course there are gray areas to that and i'm not always going to be right (...that's been proven quite a few times), but when the internal alarm goes off, i can't ignore it.

it's who i am now. and i can't say i'm quite 'proud' of it yet, but i'll get there.

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