hey parents, you were right!

as a teenager, there was one thing i heard a lot from my parents. it went something like, "maggie, it's not enough to just be a good student and athlete, you need to be responsible in every area of your life, too." i never really understood it at the time. usually i would protest, "but i'm a good kid! you guys have no idea how lucky you are to have me! do you see the people i go to school with?" they were, of course, referring to the way i procrastinated on chores, um, constantly, and seemed to have an all or nothing approach with everything else. i was constantly social or not at all. i was super active in my clubs or i wasn't at all. i was 100% on top of the things i needed to do, like school and soccer, but with the rest i kind of juggled it chaotically. the things i didn't have to do were what i struggled with.

i never really gave much thought to what my parents were actually saying when they said those words until now. two and a half years into college. i don't know what it was, but at the beginning of this semester something inside me said: maggie, things have to change. i have to find what my parents were really telling me i lacked: balance. i needed to gain some control and get my stuff together. it's not that i lacked time management skills, rather, it's that i didn't make a conscious effort to take care of the other things or myself.

in college, there's stress virtually everywhere. being a good student isn't enough. i realized my old tendencies of letting other things slide while only paying attention to the necessities wasn't working. i needed balance. so, i got a job. i decided i was going to train for a race. i took some control and committed myself to being responsible in every regard. i've figured out that if you let one thing slip, other things usually follow, too. spreading myself between different responsibilities has proved that it's all about making the effort. and it's hard to do when you don't have to do it. i'm extremely fortunate that i was able to go to school for two years without having a job while i focused on school work but it also made me lazier with my free time. now, i have to make my time count. it's not a question anymore of "will i do this", it's just a part of my lifestyle to go to work and run four or five times a week in addition to the time required to go to school. my life feels "together" and balanced. it's a good feeling.

they say you get to the point where you realize your parents were right about everything. well, they were right.
 

a list is sometimes all i have time for

the good:
-finding the perfect lip stain that i will soon brag openly about once i've soaked in the pride of discovering it all on my own! ... actually, i'm just super busy right now and want to do a separate post all together about all things lip related.
-being so on top of my schedule i have the next three weeks of studying and paper writing planned out by the day.
-realizing by far, walmart has the best deal on english muffins, peanut butter, and tea.
-jennifer lawrence because she is perfect.
-upcoming adventures almost being in the single digits now.
-one tree hill is finally good again after a lackluster beginning to the seventh season.
-a weekend that was supposed to be spent in idaho ended up being pretty fantastic. my first ever game of risk was involved and a reunion with my ex-classmates from the biology world was the best thing that could have happened to my saturday night.
-running. always running. no matter what, running is a good part of my day and my week that i can count on.

the bad:
-despite what i just said, sometimes hobos on bicycles follow behind you on a five mile run without ever passing you. even when you stop to stretch. even when you flash your mace that is strapped to your waist pretty obviously (thanks, mom!). but, i decided he was pretty harmless when he stopped to pick up some trash on the trail and throw it away.
-forgetting to use shampoo in the shower and going a whole day feeling like my hair was wet. and glued to my face.
-nearly getting killed at a two way stop (barely an exaggeration, people!) because a man on his cell phone who was speeding did not see his stop sign and nearly t-boned me. mind you, i was going 30mph and he much more than that. did he stop? no. did he slow down at all? no. did i have to swerve completely out of the way with only a half second to see if there was oncoming traffic in the other lane i swerved into? YES. it was horrible. and i may had to pull over and stifle my tears as i called my parents.
-one tree hill getting good again because now it's that much harder to stick to my homework schedule. oh, and throw grey's anatomy into that mix because holy cow was last week's episode intense.
-a person in my creative writing fiction workshop labeling a character in someone else's story as a "social outcast loner who spends all their time on tumblr". i had to double check that the story was in no way reflective of my life. and then hold my tongue before asking, what is wrong with THAT!?

change

i miss posts like these.

posts i write that kind of aren't really for anyone else but purely written from the inner workings of my mind. unfiltered and unedited. i don't know what's kept me from being able to write a post and publish it without letting it sit for a few days before i water it down, but i kind of miss how open and personal those kind of posts are. even if it makes me vulnerable. because when it comes down to it, i don't ever want to not be vulnerable, i have decided. blog resolution for the rest of the year? 

so today i'm thinking about two things. i'm thinking about expectations in friendships and i'm thinking about change.

i think one of the best things i've learned about being 20 is that at any point in time, any one of us has the ability to change. whether that be something about yourself, something about your future, something about your life, or something about your relationships, you have the ability to do what you need to do selfishly. of course, a year ago the idea of change scared me. the unknown scared me. and instead of realizing it was because i was scared about what it meant for me since i didn't have any sort of plan i was excited about for myself, i turned my frustration to people around me and blamed it all on them. i hated the idea that people could change. i wanted stability because it meant i could live in my own safe bubble.

of course, i was shown wrong. and, having been the initiator in my own life to make all sorts of changes, i kind of want to slap myself across the head for ever thinking change at this age was a bad thing. sure, phases happen and it takes mistakes to get to where you want to go, but isn't it kind of amazing that we have this ability to switch directions at a moments notice while we're this young? is it fair to hate someone for wanting that for themselves even if it means losing that person's friendship? 

no. i guess it's kind of the risk we run with any friendship or relationship we make. connections may fade simply because of a change in interest or direction. and the ones that matter will remain strong but i guess what i'm saying is that expecting anyone to stay the same isn't fair. it's a beautiful thing, this ability to do what we want for ourselves and for ourselves only. we hope we'll get to be there alongside our friends' lives as it happens but that isn't always the case. i know i've changed and i know i've fallen out of touch with a few people because of it, and not for personal reasons, but because we no longer wanted to spend our time the same ways. because time is so valuable. with new passions come new people and with growing up comes a lot of learning about what exactly we want out of our life and our time.

so i guess i'm saying now that i've been there and now that i understand, i am at peace with this whole concept of change. i embrace it, for me and everyone else. i know nothing right now except experiences and the strong relationships i have will be permanent and i'm okay with that. i'm okay with the other things being somewhat temporary. i wouldn't want anyone to expect me to stay the same and now i know i don't expect that from anyone else, either.

wittle freshmen maggie.

vlog: how i curl my hair

so here's the honest truth. you asked. i obliged. and i will never be a beauty blogger ("um" "i don't know what i'm doing" "i like cheap stuff" "I ONLY KNOW WHAT WORKS FOR MY HAIR"). but, here you have it, because i think everyone should suffer through such a self deprecating experience. and yet i may have somewhat enjoyed it if not for the sole fact that at the end, you get to meet my cat and he just made the whole thing less awkward. in my experience, cats do that. they're a crowd pleaser. so if you must, just skip the entire first TEN minutes of this video to get to that part.

i really don't know what i'm doing about hair. my only advice is to sit in front of a mirror and practice every day until you don't look like you just got back from prom. that was my entire goal, really. just learn to "shake it out". and brush your curls. the end.

(also, next vlog ideas...? please don't say more beauty videos. i can't.)(i'm a big fat liar, i do enjoy making vlogs just not anything beauty related.)

meeting abbi

let it be known that yesterday, the girl with three bags criss crossed across her chest wearing a dress crying all the way through the security line of the denver airport was me. call it hormones if you will, but yesterday was one of those days i don't think i can really describe. 

looking at the big picture of things, abbi is every reason why i started blogging and why i've stayed around for three years. yesterday reminded me of that. i started blogging because i needed a place to just be myself; emotional, passionate, sometimes (or all the time) over the top, and obsessive. because that's who and what i am. i love all of the things i love obsessively, to the point of tears all too frequently. and the blog world is a place where i could be and still can be unapologetic for it. 

to meet abbi, who is all of those things, and so perfectly unapologetic about who she is and the things she loves was unlike anything else. to hang out with someone for a full day that within seconds i knew just sort of got me was beyond the capacity my writing skills could say. 

abbi, i love you because you have megan & liz on your iPod and i'm 99% sure our iPods are identical, when i left my anthropologie bag in urban outfitters you didn't think i was as scatter brained as i'm sure i seemed, your hair is perfect, your facial expressions you made while looking at the facebook profiles of people i went to school with, when we saw the old couple in front of us at the restaurant getting too handsy we both silently judged them together and stopped all conversation completely to glare, you finally got snapchat so we can video one another constantly, you laugh like everything is the funniest thing in the world (and it's the best), without even asking you just knew i was a breakfast person and took me to the best breakfast place on the planet with the best pancakes i've ever eaten, you took a picture of the hipster whose shoelaces were undone, you have the same favorite episode of one tree hill that i do and can talk about one tree hill for thirty minutes straight, your lipstick is just all sorts of flawless, sometimes your stories got intersected by random thoughts (by both of us) and they took forever to tell but they were always hilarious and wonderful, the love you have gives me hope and you best bet i'll be at your wedding no matter what, and you are the kindest soul i've ever met. plus, you are basically me and to be reunited with my other half made for the best afternoon i could ask for. abbi, you are one of the most beautiful people i've ever met. and you won't hate me for this incredibly sappy long post.

she's that great, guys.

no, no, she didn't. 

valentines day

i always write blog posts on valentines day. at least, i have for the past two. this year, i could say a lot of things. i could write about OMG THIS YEAR IM SINGLE ON VALENTINES DAY but you know, that wouldn't be very interesting for any of us and it would be all too predictable and sappy. and really, i don't think that has any significance to the holiday anyways.

however, if i'm being perfectly honest, this year takes the cake for all valentines that have been had. 

the truth is, there are posts in my archives i simply can't reread. not because it makes me sad to reread old words or memories nor because it makes me necessarily nostalgic, but because it gives me a knot in my stomach remembering the me that wrote them. a me that is vastly different from this one. rereading them makes me feel weak and insecure again and it's something i've moved past without really wanting to relive.

last year, i wouldn't have been able to run seven miles. i treated myself to a new PR today and boy did it make me feel something better than any person could have made me feel on any day. i got coffee, where i embarrassingly pulled up to the window to realize i'd forgotten my wallet at home, but the cashier still gave me my coffee anyways. i went to class and had to read my story out loud to my fiction class and they enjoyed it. the professor said it was excellent. i called my dad, who couldn't believe i ran that far and we talked about running for fifteen minutes. i called my grandma and told her i loved her and would she be my valentine? i got my bangs trimmed. i bought two bags of chocolate just 'cuz. i accidentally wore festive colors. 

so i'm sorry if i'm hogging all the love for myself, but this valentine's day was a treat myself day. and i loved it.

remember this

I had coffee and lunch with one of my friends this afternoon who has been contemplating starting her own blog. She's one of those friends I made as a freshmen all on my own- not through my roommate or another friend, and it's one of those relationships I'm really thankful for because it didn't stem from anything other than having things in common and enjoying one another's company. She asked me, "Maggie, why do you blog?" A couple weeks ago I was up in arms about this question but when she asked all I had to say was that I liked remembering things. Simple.

So today I want to remember a couple of things: aside from having the best grilled cheese for under $3 I've ever had in my life, today I feel completely happy with who I am and what I am. I think in the past year I've struggled with finding that solid ground with myself. I've more or less known how I have always felt but not necessarily been able to act on it or do what I know I should do. Today, I realized, I've done it. I love who I am and the decisions I've made to put me in a direction I'm excited about. I'm content. I know myself better than I have in a long time. So in 6 months, a year, or even five years from now, I will remember that the 20 year old Maggie writing this post now was happy and comfortable with herself. I will remember that though my schedule is vastly different than anything it's ever been and though I had to get used to the idea that my "homework" didn't feel like homework because it more or less felt like I was just doing what I normally do, reading and writing, this is how it should be. Studying what I love and getting better at it what I'm good at.

Also, yes those are flowers on my legs. Not paint or scratches or blood, to the guy in my english class that asked. Oh, and I do occasionally wear my hair up. And no, in the winter, I don't stop wearing big scarves with dresses.

dress: modcloth // scarf: nordstroms // tights & boots: forever 21

in ten minutes

what am i doing?

eating the muffin top of a delectable poppy seed muffin on the top floor of the campus commons where, as i've discovered, all of the good chairs are kept. plushy, cozy arm chairs with attachable desks that swivel and are perfect for blogging. how did they know to create the perfect blogging haven for the college student by night blogger?! 

what am i listening to?

arcade fire pandora station. it's goooooooood, guys. 

what am i thinking?

to the girl next to me: BUY THOSE SORELS, WOMAN! what a steal! ...yes, i am this close to another person that i can read and watch their computer screen. and based on her shopping cart at nordstroms i think we could be friends. 

what am i feeling?

mostly tired and unusually quiet today. it may be the fact that i missed my shower and my alarm this morning but it's just one of those mornings where i am happy not seeing or talking to anyone and i kind of just want to crawl back into bed but not before running 3 miles today so i feel justified to do so. 

what am i thankful for today?

despite waking up fifteen minutes later than i usually leave for campus, i did manage to print out my paper due for said morning class and was only five minutes late to class. i found parking, managed to make every single traffic light, and put on pants.

oh yeah, and remember those pictures i took on the side of an interstate during the prettiest season in montana...? no, because i forgot about them on one of my SD cards so what do you know! picture proof that montana is pretty darn good lookin' sometimes.

cheetah print and tea are two good things

Am I really wearing animal print in these photos? I wasn't kidding about the 2010 Maggie coming back in full swing. Thank you fashion guru and the person who I could only dream to be my personal stylist, Kate, for helping me style my old cardigan hanging in the back of my closet I was seriously considering not holding on to. I may just love it again?

This week was full of really, really good things and good news. Coming off of my "I'm no longer sick!" high, it was almost too much for lungs to handle so soon after getting over my awful cold. It turned me right back into a coughing mess but a coughing excited screaming jumping up and down mess at that. I am so excited for next week, next month, and next summer. Don't worry, there will be pictures of these up upcoming adventures to share. Hundreds of them, in fact.

I will tell you that one of those really awesome things that happened this week was getting to hang out with another fashion blogger who recognized me at my bus stop last week and was brave enough to say something first. Taking pictures just got a whole lot easier because we have our morning class in the same building and the same break between classes after so I am thrilled to get to take pictures, drink tea, and wear impractical shoes to campus with her.

dress: blog swap with sydney // scarf: nordstroms // sweater: delias //

shoes & tights: forever 21

the last time you'll see this cardigan

let's just make a tidy list of things i thought only belonged in 2010 maggie's world, shall we? florals, ankle boots, obsessing over one tree hill (this might be more 2008 but go with it), color coded notes (2011 and 2012 maggie was not organized), tim mcgraw, nail polish, wearing heels to school, watching pride and prejudice nightly, and english muffins. i'm...happy to say all of the above have returned? i'm going back to my roots...? 

i'm going through and purging my closet at the moment so i'm pulling out all the things i haven't worn in years. stubborn me looks at something i haven't worn in two years and says, why yes of course i still wear this! i will wear it tomorrow! and so i'm on an old clothes stint right now and this cardigan is included in that category. i may get rid of it? i may not? because i will probably wear it today and never again and stubborn maggie is just that?

aside from that i don't have too much food for thought to put on the table but i can guarantee i will after this friday evening. that's all i'm saying for now. 

*apparently it was utterly impossible for me to keep a straight face for a picture of my face today (as jenny says, i have a serious problem with talking and telling stories when people are taking blog pictures of me.) sooo... just enjoy these pictures with me? we'll call it the (very accurate) portrayal of my story telling face.

cardigan forever 21 // dress, scarf & belt urban outfitters // boots aldo 

also if you're into that sort of thing, tim mcgraw's new song with taylor swift is realllllllly great.

not the end of the world after all!

so here's the thing. i couldn't get into any of the lit classes i wanted. i tried to get into two and both professors kicked me out after day two of lecture refusing to sign my override form (but i'm small! i don't even need a desk!). i'm in three english courses right now, none of which require a pre-requisite and one of which i'd already applied to get into (THANK goodness i did that), and while this was the end of the world last week, it's not now. my schedule is basically: freshmen general requirement, freshmen general requirement, freshmen english pre-requisite, freshmen english pre-requisite, upper-level english fiction workshop, and a biology class. so i have to prolongue another semester tackling the upper level english classes. but i'm getting some classes out of the way i'd have to take anyways and i'm not behind. problem solved. and as it turns out, i'm really good at making friends with freshmen. or at least, people i assumed were freshmen and are actually my age and also changed their major as juniors. oops. but i think i made more new friends in the last week than i have in two years?!

anyways, my point is really that this week is ten times better than last and it's all about perspective. new week, new attitude! huzzah! and because i no longer resemble a neanderthal and actually put on normal "maggie" clothes this week, i will have pictures to share soon. yay for the blog hiatus being over! for now, enjoy these pictures i took of my fabulous friends. who are probably more stylish than myself and could have a blog themselves. wait, one does. go say hi to katy if you want. she's a hoot. and i'm also going to a taylor swift concert with these two next august so clearly they are cool or something (if you know me, you know i am extremely selective about who i go to taylor swift concerts with.)

look at that. my optimism is back! i guess we know i'm feeling better. that and i can sing in the car again. both strong indicators that i no longer have a perpetual 102 degree fever.

3 pictures of what my weekend looked like

i took a low key weekend for myself to do only three things: watch tv, eat, and sleep. i really need to get over this cold and i'm happy to report i'm on the mend! i would do a happy dance but it would probably make me erupt into a coughing fit, so i'll just do it in my head. i'm feeling about 83% back to speed and i'm just so excited to be healthy again. what did it even feel like TO be healthy!? to get less than 10 hours of sleep a night!? to go to bed after 9pm!? i have forgotten enitrely.

meanwhile, here is what my weekend looked like in 3 pictures.

(one)

while my roommate went on another date (see!? i'm not exaggerating! she really does go on a lot of them!), i curled up on the sofa with the bbc version of pride & prejudice. in my sick and delirious state (...not the best time to go to walmart), i may have belted taylor swift down the aisles between coughs louder than i thought i was attracting the eyes of a few passerbys that definitely thought i was insane (i'm not arguing). and of course when i saw that pride and prejudice was on sale for less than $10, i made an even bigger fool out of myself by nearly bursting into tears (and another coughing fit).

(two)

because i was a sick mess for an entire week, i was also an extremely bad roommate and did zero chores. thankfully my wonderful roommate (no wonder she gets all the dates) cleaned up after me, did the dishes, took out the trash, and dealt with my sloth state on the couch. so i spent the entire day cleaning every inch of our kitchen and living room before moving onto my closet which turned into a full blown clean out of my entire bedroom. does anyone else feel like after a good cleaning that their life is suddenly that much more sane?! i'm ready for the new semester now boys and girls and armed with a clean organized bedroom.

(three)


...i may or may not have had two breakfasts today and gone out to breakfast two days in a row. no, this is not a normal thing, but being that the semester is brand new and i changed my major so i don't see some of my friends nearly as much, it was necessary. while on breakfast number two this morning, my friend noticed the hipster behind me reading... 50 shades of grey!? proudly flashing it for all the world to see in front of him!? we were bewildered. i mean, yes i've read it, maybe even secretly enjoyed it. it was maybe the best thing i've ever seen in missoula yet. he was being... ironic?

here's to a new week! let's make it a better one.

this week i just didn't feel like me

this week was a weird week

it started out well. extremely well, to be sure. and then i got sick. and then two of the classes i needed to override into and even sat through two lectures of didn't pan out so i can't register for upper level english lit classes for yet another semester which had me reconsidering my choice of changing major that was so safe and predictable. then there were general bad moods, a night i only got two hours of sleep because i was so sick when i just wanted my momma, and meaningless other stresses all around to be felt. i don't like to complain or be in bad moods for very long because i start to feel guilty knowing my petty problems hardly compare to those of others' so i stayed quiet about it all. lastly, early in the week, for a solid 24 hours i thought i was done blogging forever. i sincerely did. there were a lot of reasons behind it, a lot of reasons i've mulled over for months, but in the end i know i blog for myself. i just have to remember that sometimes and not lose sight of why this blog matters to me. plus, it's just a blog, after all.

i just didn't feel like myself this week through all the negativity and self doubt. that's unlike me. and even when things aren't really that bad, i feel like when i start to lose my footing in one area of my life, i start to lose it in all. 

in light of all of that, this week finally ended and that alone gives me hope. this cold is finally getting better! i may be able to sleep without a heavy dosage of nyquil tonight! i brushed my hair before class this morning! i sang along to the music in my car even though it sent me into a coughing fit immediately after! i signed up for a different class instead i would have had to take later that didn't require a prerequisite! and i'm currently watching the newly purchased copy of pride & prejudice the bbc version i bought at walmart tonight in which i made a big fat fool of myself in my sick delirious state by talking too loudly out loud with my cat who meows at me if i stop petting him.