Tuesday, August 28

a beginning's end

dear summer, 

before summer even started, i made a list of everything i wanted to do being the list maker that i am. i wanted to hike step-toe butte, i wanted to skinny dip, i wanted to go to union town at long last, i wanted to spend a day at the dunes, and i wanted to go to farmer's market every saturday morning... with someone else. it was only after the big change happened, i realized that everything i wanted to do i wanted to do with someone and no where on my list was something i wanted just for myself. maybe that should have been a red flag. and for a couple of days, i mulled over the fact that everything i wanted to do was no longer possible and i let that sink in. i could have kept thinking about that, but instead i did exactly what my mom and friends told me to. i made a new list of things i wanted for just me. maybe i'd share some of the experiences with other people and others would be there with me, but i made a list of things i wanted to accomplish on my own unsure of whether it would really live up to my old list or the old summer i had planned.

as it turns out, the unplanned can be beautiful. there's beauty in just falling in love with yourself again and finding the pleasure in spending time focusing on you again. drinking coffee every morning and waking up before everyone else in the house to just enjoy the silence, spending an entire evening with a cup of tea and my book, taking the long ways home listening to my iPod on full blast, escaping town on weekends to spend time with people who have been nothing but marvelous in my life, and just enjoying myself again. then there were the bigger things.

i don't really know where it started. i was restless and bored and needed something to fill my evenings when hanging out with myself and my thoughts became too much. i knew i wanted to take my sister's senior portraits and i knew i wanted a new lens to do that because mine was far from ideal for that task. so, during a sale weekend, i bought one. just like that. and from there, i started taking pictures of my sister and i fell head over heels. from there, her friends got word, i booked gigs, took family portraits for a couple of friends, took a real engagement shoot, and then finally some people that weren't my friends and liked my photography. i'm a complete amateur. never taken a class, barely know what i'm doing. i googled everything i didn't know, learned about every single button spending hours on the internet reading. but it didn't matter, because every second i spent researching, taking notes, journaling about photography, taking pictures, and editing was incredible. i've fallen for a completely new art and while i still don't have much experience, the experience i gained was enough to make me want to keep pushing myself further. 

this summer wouldn't have happened if not for the unexpected. i learned to love just being alone and as much as i wished i'd had someone there during the rough days and how sad i am that the difficult days ahead will also be done alone, i'm more than capable of getting through it all by myself. my friends and my little sister are incredibly supportive and listened to me rant for hours and often told me the things i didn't want to hear but needed to hear. i'm happy and i'm okay, but i think i knew i would be the entire time. this was never about being afraid to be alone, but being afraid of losing someone who was a big part of my life and their presence in it. i'm more proud of my blog than ever before because it's more my own than ever before. i'm proud of the decisions i made for this semester and my future because i wasn't subconsciously categorizing where another person would fit even if including someone else wasn't my intention. i'm better. 

this summer was all about me and i wouldn't
have had it any other way.


Kelly said...

Good for you, Maggey!

I'm so glad you've found a new thing to love :)

Katherine / Of Corgis and Cocktails said...

it's hard to plan everything. now that my summers are 'gone' (i still work 9-5 every day and only took 1 vacation day since april) it feels different. indeed - the unplanned can be the best parts because you didn't expect them

<3 katherine
of corgis and cocktails

SomeoneLikeYou said...

"this was never about being afraid to be alone, but being afraid of losing someone who was a big part of my life and their presence in it."

utterly and perfectly said. you're a mind reader.

Jennifer said...

I love this post - you've come so far over the summer and I'm glad you're happy with your life right now :)