Sunday, July 21

to the fried egg jellyfish in the ocean

I had a bad week. Even the coolest news that's ever landed in my email inbox didn't improve my mood by that much. It ended with me in the parking lot of Rite Aid on a Saturday night past closing letting emotions happen as they do over Redvines and Ben & Jerry's. I think I've had a hard time admitting to myself what I was feeling in the moment because golly gee, I'm in Seattle! Living the life I've always dreamed of! And I'm 20 years old for crying out loud, so I should suck it up and stop calling my mom daily! These are things I've told myself whenever swells of loneliness have pooled their way into my brain and luckily, until this week, I've gotten over it in less than a day. And all week I told myself, "You're not lonely, you don't miss your friends or Montana, get over yourself, it's SEATTLE! You're only allowed to be happy!" But then I found myself outside of Rite Aid being asked by the guy who rang up my Redvines, Ben & Jerry's, and Flea spray if I was okay and to my dismay my mom was out of service in Wyoming so calling her wasn't an option. So finally I admitted it to myself: I was lonely.

So this morning when I woke up to blueberry pancakes served with huckleberry syrup brought from Sandpoint, Idaho and then was asked if I was feeling up for a kayaking adventure, I perked up immediately. We voyaged across the channel from straight out of the backyard off of the dock and it was like once I was out of my bed and in the sunshine, I started to come back to life again. Halfway into our trip, suddenly I spotted a white cloud underneath our kayak and to my astonishment, it was a giant jellyfish. A giant jellyfish that in a matter of seconds made its way to the surface of the ocean right in front of me. I don't know why but that jellyfish set my little sad spirits free. It sort of floated there while we paddled back and forth, observing it, and I let time sort of stop in my mind to hang on to the moment. Idaho and Montana are quite obviously landlocked states, but it wasn't about feeling appreciative of the chance to see this jellyfish I could never see at home, but rather, it was about feeling welcomed and connected to my environment. Which, obviously, the jellyfish itself didn't do, but rather than running about a city seeing its many sights whose attractions belong to the memories of thousands of people, that sole jellyfish belonged to just me. It was uniquely mine. It hung around there for a few seconds as we stared in silence, just long enough so that when it left, we were already paddling away, too, getting what we both wanted.

Thank you, jellyfish. I think if you could talk, you would have told me to relax. Missing home, even if it's the one place you know you can't live in again, is just fine. As is calling your mom at 20 years old. So is missing your friends. So is admitting that place isn't everything, the people you love is a big part of what makes a home. And it's okay to feel those things. Everything is okay, as long as you just keep going the way you're meant to go and come back up to the surface for air every now and then when you need it.
Afterlight

6 comments:

Brissa said...

i love this. i'm so glad your weekend turned around. and listen, call your mom whenever you want! I am twenty three and still call that life saver of a woman on the reg.

kylee said...

i love that i know about things before they're written on the blog.

carlanning said...

This post was absolutely perfect and while reading, I couldn't stop myself from murmuring, "I totally do that! I call my mum in moments of freak out!I like this girl!" Excited to continue to reading about your Seattle adventures :)

Emma Jane said...

When I went to Seattle the first time when I was 8 years old with my dad, we were all clambering on to a ferry when I looked down into the ocean right next to the dock. A massive orange jelly fish was drifting right there and nobody else saw it but me. It was right then that I decided to move to Seattle.

Girl, those jellyfish know. They KNOW! :)

Em

Shawnee said...

it's crazy how much our lives are similar. it's healing just to know you're not the only one, you know? xo

My name is Lydia said...

i love this. thanks for sharing, even though it was personal. it helps me feel less alone when i have days like this. because you know, everybody has them. it's just easy to forget. and it's hard.

also, you're brave to be in seattle by yourself at 21. give yourself some credit!