When I tell people that Niklaas and I broke up, immediately, the first question they ask is why? It's a question I've struggled to wrap my mind around and I still don't really how to answer. It's true, we are, and have been, broken up for quite some time now. I wasn't sure how to go about it or whether to even make a post about it because while honesty is something I vouch for on my blog, this is something that is still a pretty new, and deep, wound. There are quite a few close people in my life that I haven't even told yet because I just don't know how and even with the few people I have told, I have a hard time getting out my feelings in words that will make sense to them and to myself. Every thought in my head about it is such a jumbled mess. I go back and forth between emotions constantly. I'm happy, but I'm not happy about it. Sometimes, I don't really know why it happened and then I reread parts of my journal and "why" hits me so hard that I feel like the damage is irreparable. It's confusing, weird, strange, and hard to put into words. Two and a half years of knowing, talking, being with, and loving someone just doesn't go away in a couple months. It was only recently that I've been able to put my trains of thoughts into black and white concepts; enough, I hope, that I can attempt to explain it both to you and to myself.
I've never been the kind of person that would willingly make big sacrifices in my relationship for someone else and I probably won't be until I'm much older. I'm simply not ready to choose a person over experiences, internships, studying abroad, and all of the other opportunities in college that are important to "finding ourselves". And neither is Niklaas. We've always been the kind of couple that goes with the flow without ever choosing our relationship over ourselves as individuals. Much to our surprise, we figured out how to make it work as long as we did even while I left for college and spent a year apart promising that each of us always had an 'out' and it would be perfectly okay if we had to end it because it was too hard. And when it came to him choosing a college, we knew if he fell in love with a different school, "us" wouldn't even be a consideration; we wouldn't have stayed together to be apart if we had to go to different schools far away because just one year of it was emotionally draining enough. And then when he got to school, my school, and he needed his time to create a niche for himself in Missoula, we spent some time apart while still staying together. I thought it worked, I wanted it to work, and it breaks my heart the most that I let so many things slip so it wouldn't get to that point again. Truth be told: doing everything in your power to make someone else happy while sacrificing your own happiness isn't okay. I really, really thought if he was happy, I could be, too. It was immature of me, but I know better now. I wanted so badly for things to be fine that in my head that I forced myself to believe we'd gone back to normal. In a lot of ways, it seemed like we were. We did the same things, more things even, and as a whole, acted happier around each other. But when you're afraid to say the wrong thing, afraid to be too honest, afraid to tell them how you really feel, that's not normal. And that's the biggest wake-up call I've had to face yet.
That being said, I don't hate him and I can't ever do that. I might be mad, angry, frustrated, sad, and hurt, but I don't hate him. I'm not going to pine away for months nor am I going to be the girl that sends spiteful drunk texts a year later. We're on good terms and while that means we can talk and are talking, there's a lot to figure out in a break-up just as there is in a relationship. How often do we talk? Can we see each other? Do we make a point if we know we're going to be in the same place to stop each other to say hi and catch up? Do we stop talking all together? Nearly two months later, I don't have all the answers yet. Two and a half years of someone being in your life as a constant isn't something that's so easy to leave behind nor is it easy to go from one extreme of always talking to the other extreme of not talking. I don't really know what will happen for us later down the road, if he'll be ready to be the person I deserve or if I could trust him the way I did, but I'm taking it day by day. That's truly one of the more difficult parts about this; we might still have a future together but we also may not. I'm hanging out with new people, my sister constantly (the best part of this), my friends, and my family. I'm doing things for me. I talked about in my 'ramblings' post how I'd been thinking about what I wanted to do when I graduated and I think that all of this happening has surged a desire to figure myself out; what I want to do, where I want to do it, and how. It's a hard time, but it's also an exciting time to get to put myself 100% first and think about all of this. Am I happy with how things are? No. But I'm choosing to take it as the greatest opportunity I can to better myself and learn from it.
I think I'm surprised by how 'okay' I actually am and how in a lot of ways, things aren't much different in my normal life. I have those bad days but most of my days are too busy with things I'm occupying myself with because I haven't had the time in the past to do them. I'm actually enjoying the solitude and independence. One person will never define me and Niklaas has never defined me; my happiness does not depend on him nor does my well being. That's the best part; knowing I'm not a bitter train-wreck who will forever spite the boyfriend she had when she was 16. I know I'll be okay and that I'll continue to be okay no matter what happens later. What I've learned will help me in a relationship with him or with another person someday regardless. I've learned more about me, too. The thing I struggle the most with is wondering what was the point of it all- what was the point of spending two and a half years together working towards every step along the way and achieving so much together for it to just stop here? We ended up at the same college, completely by fate and chance, and in a lot of ways, everything seems set up for us to just work. Maybe this is a set back that will take several months or even longer to work out and maybe this is something we can't figure out together and can only do alone. That's the hard part, too. Sometimes, you have to grow alone, not with someone.
It's corny, but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, for better or worse. I'm excited to see what's next; what happens for us individually or together will be for the best. I know that and I adore that. I'm not bitter nor am I resentful, if anything, I can only say I am frustrated. But I see the beauty in being able to be completely honest and open right now; I can say everything I need to say without worrying about the repercussions. And I can see the beauty in starting new hobbies, developing new passions, and spending every second of my time with my friends and sister. And I can see the beauty in only making myself happy right now and not thinking of someone else. That, in the end, makes this all better.