Saturday, July 21
a living cliche
the thing about breakups, i'm realizing, is that you feel like you're the only one going through it and no one in the world has ever been through what you're going through. slightly selfish, sure, but suddenly, everything seems so specific to you. every song on the radio seems like it was written for me and me alone. when the 'sad' songs are suddenly relatable, they hit you that much harder. it took me a few weeks to get over the self-loathing-no-one-can-relate-to-me-so-i'm-not-going-to-talk-to-anyone-because-they-just-don't-understand-me stage, but once i did, i realized the truth of it. every single person will go through this and most people have. i'm living a cliche. i am a cliche. nothing about my situation is very unique. boy meets girl, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl break-up. does the reason really matter? does how long we were together matter? it hardly matters. at the end of the day, it hurts no matter what when someone disappoints you. i remember at the beginning of our relationship, i reasoned through every step of it and tried obsessively hard to be 'smart' about it. i tried to prevent myself from falling too fast or too hard and i tried to take it as slowly as possible. i was smart until i wasn't being smart anymore and letting things slide that i shouldn't have, but in the end, every logical thought didn't matter. pain demands to felt, as said by john green, and it's a constant roller coaster of being absolutely positive to missing like crazy to the point of pits in my stomach to not even knowing if i am even attracted to him anymore.
but i'm not unique. maybe we had (maybe even still have) something special, but the feelings aren't. it's simple. and in some ways, i like that. because with every break-up, is something better afterwards. everyone is eventually okay. everyone ends up okay. everyone eventually learns more afterwards (i definitely have). i'm happy to say that i'm thinking about it less than i was a week ago and the week before that and the week before that. i can't say that it's any easier, but gaining perspective the past couple of months has made all the difference. and i can say that i'm no longer thinking about it to no end or wrapping my mind in circles around it. i'm better than i was, i'm happier than i was, and whatever happens will be for the best.