snowed in

When imagining the best present in the entire world, I might first picture something like a mountain of cinnamon rolls, a Mac desktop, the camera of my dreams, coffee by the truckload, love, or the boxed set of Gossip Girl on dvd.What I don't imagine is the impossible gift of time because in Montana, when they say it's going to blizzard, you never allow yourself the indulgence of imagining a SNOW DAY. It doesn't happen. I learned that two days into my first Montana blizzard freshmen year when my roommate and group of friends holed up in our dorm room (throw back Sunday to me four stinkin' years ago). You simply survive through it, in as many layers as you can fit in and over your down jacket.

So when I woke up Friday morning at 6am to a text saying that school was cancelled, I can say without a doubt, it was the best present the world could have provided. After my less than optimistic attitude that lasted so many weeks, a text that explicitly said, "DO NOT GO OUTSIDE!" I took that to mean that I should soak up every single second of free time to stay indoors. 

Heaps of dishes were completed tag team style while listening to the new Lake Street Dive, naps were taken, three movies were watched, pizza was consumed, fuzzy socks were worn, cell phones were ignored completely, snuggling was a necessity, and acknowledgement of a world outside a 2 bedroom apartment were ignored.

It was a stress free happy day that made up for a month of never ending to do lists. 

The blizzard lasted a full 48 hours in which I went outside twice: once to unbury my car and the second to take pictures of the snow for documentation because, really, how many times is this going to happen? The last time a blizzard in Missoula closed the University was in 1996.

I think I might be prepared to conquer the rest of this winter now. It's amazing what two days can do for the head and the soul. 

my wretched self

This week was pretty crappy.

I let the wretched parts of myself dictate my mood and how I reacted to things that were happening.

I debated dropping my creative writing non-fiction class because I thought after the first class it sounded "dumb". I am a lot of things but being a coward is not one of them. This creative writing class is going to force me in directions I've never considered let alone attempted. I am going to have to produce a 'manuscript' by the end of the semester that our professor says he wants us to write with the intention of someday pursing getting published. Maybe I was just intimidated. Maybe I thought he was bonkers. It's possible I thought for a second I knew better than my professor and felt falsely arrogant.

I also yelled at my boyfriend; mark that as a first. It was stupid and happened due to the result of a misunderstanding that I jumped on in a moment of my feeling insecure. Oops. Thankfully, the next day we talked it out and I realized how awesome it was that as silly as a fight that it was, it's sort of a blessing to be a little bit messy. It's healthy. I am not perfect. I've never fought with a boyfriend and in the heat of the moment, I never for a second thought it was going to lead to a break up or make him hate me. It showed me that in a good relationship, disagreements do happen and I don't have to be so afraid of messing up. We're human. Mishaps happen! And it's beautiful.

I let myself become all consumed by the negative things happening to everyone else, too. Which isn't to say that I shouldn't have empathy for the people in my life because a good friend absolutely should. But I let the problems people in my life were experiencing leak into other faucets of my own, too. I took out frustrations other people were going through onto other friends and family.

These are things that I didn't want to write about during the week on my blog because I don't want to be a complainer. That's part of why this week sucked. Usually I'm a wizard at looking at the bright side and choosing to be positive. I hate complainers. I found myself complaining and coming back to the same frustrations over and over again. I was less than myself. But maybe that's what my problem was, too. I was trying to shut out all negative things I was feeling when maybe I should have just come to terms with them instead of trying to force rainbows and sunshine. Maybe I shouldn't demean my emotions so forcefully. Once I stepped back and gained some perspective, I understood the motives behind my actions and there was some justification to them despite the petty ways that I reacted.

I am going to vow to listen to myself a little bit better instead of shrugging things off. I am going to vow to let myself be messier. I am going to vow to let myself feel what I feel, good or bad, because you can't move past something until you address it.

Yellowstone and Bozeman

This weekend I decided on a moment's notice that we should go to Yellowstone National Park. I loaded up on the pistachios and hats for this occasion, piled into my boyfriend's car for our second "road trip" together, because seriously, what else is there to do with a six week long winter break? Are you going to go to Yellowstone or are you going to go to Yellowstone!?

"I'm going to bring my new camera and take so many cool pictures!" I said to myself. Until I realized into day two of our mini vacation that I'd left it on my living room floor. And without cell phone service and a forgotten phone charger, it was a completely picture free weekend spare the photos I took of the hot springs in Yellowstone, my boyfriend's cat, and the most epic Billiards team you've ever seen. Because obviously.

So, no pictures were taken to document the weekend. And all I have are the memories of eating a lot of breakfast food with views of some of the prettiest mountains I've ever seen, voyaging downtown Bozeman being shown favorite local bookstores and music stores, meeting the parents and seeing old stomping grounds, and being within 3 feet of a full grown elk.

It was the best weekend. I have nothing but a few crappy iPhone pictures to show for it. I was fully immersed in the moment all weekend long and I loved every second of it.

advice from my mom

(1) When looking for love, simplicity is key. Complicated is overrated. You want to be with someone who is certain they want to be with you; no questions asked and without mind-games.

(2) You are the only person who can know if something is right for you. Trust your gut.

My mom is all knowing. At least, she has yet to be wrong about something. She's always right. She may not know it, but I hope someday that I am half as wise as she is. She also may not know that I'm taking careful notes of everything she tells me. Thanks, mom.

the start of 2014

For the past week, I've forgotten what it's like to have a sister who lives across the country.

For the past week, I've forgotten what it's like to have an alarm or how to put on eyeliner.

I've also sort of forgotten about the internet entirely. Oops.

This week, I felt grateful for parents that teach me gym glares to ward the wondering judgmental eyes while you're lifting 7 pound weights and that it's okay to listen to One Direction as a 48 year old woman. My parents are the coolest and by that I mean the least cool. And I wouldn't want them any other way. Growing up and getting to know my parents as people is a pretty neat thing. I see myself in them now in a way that 15 year old me would want to dye her hair black and spend more time at the skate park if she knew I'd turn out exactly like them.

Spending time with my sister has also been, well, humbling. You know what? I am totally an annoying older sister. I totally worry way too much about what she thinks of me. I totally love on her too much. But this realization is a good one. A great one. My sister is her own person and she rocks it. I am my own person and I need to rock it more instead of worrying what other people think.

My boyfriend traveled across the border to visit me this week. It was only about five minutes before he showed up on my doorstep that I realized I had never introduced a new boy to my parents before. Upon telling my dad he was coming his response was, "That dude is coming here?" I think he fully expected me to introduce him to another skinny-jean-wearing metro piece of eye candy so I like to think that by the end of the trip when my dad had texted his few friends to come over to meet my new boyfriend that he was impressed by the floppy hair lanky marching band geek I brought home.

Have I mentioned lately I'm a really big fan of nice boys? NICE boys? The boys I wrote off in high school when I wanted someone who would write me poetry and go shopping with me?

On his last day, I wanted to go somewhere I'd never been. It took only thirty seconds and a few texts to declare that we were going to go the Palouse Falls where apparently the world record for biggest waterfall ridden by a kayaker is held. 186 feet. We took my trusty Subaru on the voyage and thanks to my overpacking tendencies, we shared a bag of pistachio nuts which was our only means of food for the entire afternoon. Oops. We listened to the likes of Beyonce and Arctic Monkeys on the drive. We found the treacherous trail that took us to the cliff's edge of the 200 foot waterfall.

This world and this life are pretty great when you make the most of a single day's potential. I'm going to miss this winter break. I'm going to miss it so badly. Every joyous splendid simple moment of it with the best people in my life.

2013: the year of answers

How horribly cliche is the title of this post?

2013 was undeniably the best year of my life. It was reminiscent of 2010, when I felt like I was passionate about the path my life was following and figured out how to cut my bangs to fit my pumpkin shaped head. Which of course means that I will probably hit another identity crisis this time with a college degree under my belt but at the moment, 2013 was the year I think I figured myself out again. I made big choices. I learned to appreciate the present. I felt at peace with myself and what I was doing again. I found my place with my friends. I achieved goals that I didn't think in a million years last January I would possibly stand a chance of doing. 2012 was simply a bad year. 2013 allowed me to start over and reground myself as I changed my major, lived in a city alone for a summer, and gained back a confidence in my future I have never experienced in college so far.

The fact that so much can change in a year is terrifying. Who knows what it will look like next year? But the fact that so many things can change, if you want them to, is also sort of amazing. It's inspiring. To think that with courage and the ability to assess your life to make what changes you know you need to make to be happy even if it is 180 degrees opposite of where things are going now you can change your own fate is a liberating and reassuring thing.

Mostly what that meant was choosing a major that allows me to do all my homework in the bathtub with a glass of wine and live in a city as an unpaid intern, but you know, those are still life changing things. I'm gonna be a poor writer and get by with wine and no matter what, I will be way happier doing that than reading Biology textbooks.

Instead of doing a month by month overview like usual, I'm just going to make a list of highlights. Because, well, that really does take forever. And maybe I'll regret changing it up this year, but I also have a sister to hang out with beside me and I just want to go hang out with her as soon as possible.

highlights of 2013!!!!!!!

• I went on a day trip to the mountains with my mom, dad, and grandma where I learned to catch a fish and appreciate being completely isolated from civilization as a kid. It was a memorable and emotional trip together in the middle of winter and I did, in fact, wear jeans hiking through two feet of snow. Oops.
• I got to meet Abbi, the sweetest and most genuine person I've ever met who I first met on the internet. Now she is ENGAGED to the love of her life and it inspires me every day.
• I started to find the way to my own happiness.
• I conquered commuter life in Seattle as an adult with a full time job and felt EMPOWERED by my own abilities. It was sweeeeet. 
• I met Josh Ritter in Missoula while I was randomly walking around downtown Missoula. Stupidly, I didn't ask for a picture during our three minute conversation when I totally could have. But awesomely enough, he REMEMBERED me from past times I've met him and from the tweet I sent him the night before. I also got to attend the show front row with my mom who came all the way from Idaho. It was the best weekend of my spring semester.
• My Missoula family became my roommate of three years and the cat we shared together in the most boring brand new apartment I will ever live in. But it was a fantastic year nonetheless.
• I planned an inaugural event for 250+ people. I organized the volunteers. I made hundreds of phone calls to potential donors and begged for their generous donations. I wore heels for an entire day and night. I attended the event on a yacht. I felt AWESOME. I drove around Seattle by myself for the first time and rode the ferry back after the longest most stressful day of my life at 10pm. I found my way to a hamburger place I'd only been to once and stumbled upon Kerry Park where I ate a grilled cheese. It was one of those nights I'll never forget.
• I went on the worst date of my life with the worst hipster of my life. For those who still ask what happened, we did not end up dating. It was the THIRD scenario. And stupidly I ended up going out with him again this fall where he left me while I went to the bathroom on our date. The next night I met the boy I'd realize I was met to go on a few bad dates with so I could appreciate what the best date of my life felt like.
• When I realized that at some point, Seattle just became another place to me. Full of beautiful and perfect things, but at the end of the day, it didn't have the people I loved. It was a hard lesson as I cried on the steps I walked past every day after remembering where I sort of grew up a little in the city. 
• I went to the East Coast for the first time to visit my star sister who goes to school in Charlottesville, Virginia. It was the experience of a lifetime to see Monticello and experience some history of our country. 

• I turned 21 and it was the best birthday I've ever had. Can every day be your 21st? On second hand, maybe that's a really poor idea. But it was fun nonetheless to dance with cowboys, get free coffee at Starbucks, run my own meeting at work, eat with all of my intern friends at Pikes, and drink legally.
• The three sets of sisters were in the same place for the first time and it was the best celebration of the coolest friendship ever made.
• I went to Hawaii for spring break with my roommate because her aunt and uncle have a house there and we did nothing but explore jungles, the ocean, and beaches without running into a single tourist for a week.  
• I met Dillon in March for the first time IRL and then got to hang out with him over the summer in Seattle.
• I declared my Idaho roots once and for all. 
• I developed a girl crush on someone who hooked up with my ex and it was super awesome. 
• An enraged Panamian broke my glasses at a Mens' USA National soccer game.
• I wrote a letter to my 18 year old self.
• I went to a One Direction concert and Sydney came to visit me in Seattle all in the same week. 
• I realized, even after the best first date of my life and then best second date of my life ever the very next night followed by two weeks of effortless laughter and conversation, I was over-thinking the start of the best relationship I've ever had because I was scared to be vulnerable again. It's easy to close yourself off. It's harder to be open.
• I met fantastic friends in my English classes and learned how to accept compliments and believe in myself a little more.

Thanks, 2013. This year ROCKED.