my wretched self

This week was pretty crappy.

I let the wretched parts of myself dictate my mood and how I reacted to things that were happening.

I debated dropping my creative writing non-fiction class because I thought after the first class it sounded "dumb". I am a lot of things but being a coward is not one of them. This creative writing class is going to force me in directions I've never considered let alone attempted. I am going to have to produce a 'manuscript' by the end of the semester that our professor says he wants us to write with the intention of someday pursing getting published. Maybe I was just intimidated. Maybe I thought he was bonkers. It's possible I thought for a second I knew better than my professor and felt falsely arrogant.

I also yelled at my boyfriend; mark that as a first. It was stupid and happened due to the result of a misunderstanding that I jumped on in a moment of my feeling insecure. Oops. Thankfully, the next day we talked it out and I realized how awesome it was that as silly as a fight that it was, it's sort of a blessing to be a little bit messy. It's healthy. I am not perfect. I've never fought with a boyfriend and in the heat of the moment, I never for a second thought it was going to lead to a break up or make him hate me. It showed me that in a good relationship, disagreements do happen and I don't have to be so afraid of messing up. We're human. Mishaps happen! And it's beautiful.

I let myself become all consumed by the negative things happening to everyone else, too. Which isn't to say that I shouldn't have empathy for the people in my life because a good friend absolutely should. But I let the problems people in my life were experiencing leak into other faucets of my own, too. I took out frustrations other people were going through onto other friends and family.

These are things that I didn't want to write about during the week on my blog because I don't want to be a complainer. That's part of why this week sucked. Usually I'm a wizard at looking at the bright side and choosing to be positive. I hate complainers. I found myself complaining and coming back to the same frustrations over and over again. I was less than myself. But maybe that's what my problem was, too. I was trying to shut out all negative things I was feeling when maybe I should have just come to terms with them instead of trying to force rainbows and sunshine. Maybe I shouldn't demean my emotions so forcefully. Once I stepped back and gained some perspective, I understood the motives behind my actions and there was some justification to them despite the petty ways that I reacted.

I am going to vow to listen to myself a little bit better instead of shrugging things off. I am going to vow to let myself be messier. I am going to vow to let myself feel what I feel, good or bad, because you can't move past something until you address it.

better, not bitter

Today, "what could have been" looked me in the face. And boy, did it have a lot to say in very few words. It caught me completely off guard, of course, as I was mid-chew into my Boston Creme Pie donut but that's exactly my point: it's only when you're scarfing down a pastry enjoying how sweet your life really is that your past stares you in the face and you realize just how far you've come.

I'm not bitter towards my past because long ago I realized how thankful I was for it. I'm not bitter towards the years I spent studying something I hated and the time I wasted worrying too much about what other people were doing instead of worrying about what I was doing. 

Another friend of mine said to me this week over coffee, "Remember that conversation we had when you were studying for your physics final?" Yes, yes I did. Distinctly. It was a conversation that jerked me back into reality and gave me what courage I could soak up to make some definitive choices about nearly every aspect of my life.

I wondered later this afternoon how much of our lives are dictated by our own actions and how much is dictated by the actions of others. I wouldn't be where I am today if not for choices other people made and I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't stopped to listen to what my friend was telling me that day on her living room floor. It made me realize how much is out of our control and how, in the end, that is sort of an amazing thing. We can't know the effect someone else's choice will have on us until months or even years later, but undoubtedly they do have the ability to send us far away from the path we meant to take. Wouldn't life be boring if everything happened our way? And consequently, how much about ourselves would we never find out if things happened the way we planned? There are so many layers and hidden strengths buried beneath our own doubts and opinions about what's best for us that sometimes the only way for things to get better is for things to happen to us. The only things we can control are our own reactions. 

So, my sweet sweet past, thank you for showing me that I am more independent than I knew. Thank you for showing me that I have the ability to be a bad ass bitch when I need to be. I have a voice to be reckoned with. Thank you for showing me that I was deeply unhappy and needed to change. Thank you for shoving me towards a new haircut that I'd keep around for years to follow. Thank you for showing me, too, that I don't always need a big push from another person's choice to do something. I can get there on my own, too. Thank you for revealing that somewhere inside me is someone that is more courageous than she knew. And thanks for all the good memories, too. Not all of it was bad, in fact, most of is was pretty good. And it all turned out for the better.

discipline

Dun dun dun.

I don't know where my voice went.

My 'voice'. What a stupid but powerful word used by every English major in every single creative writing workshop critique. Some days, despite my best effort, every word I write sounds fake and forced. Like, I'm trying to make lemonade out of my shoddy prose lemons but failing miserably, or some silly life metaphor like that.

You see. I don't believe in New Years resolutions. Never have, never will. When goals are too unattainable, I'll get lazy and quit halfway through (i.e. run a half marathon- reached nine miles and never ran another mile again). But if they're too easy, I also procrastinate and never do them either (i.e. write for ten minutes a day in my journal - nine days straight and then nothing for a month). There's a happy medium somewhere in there and last year I was actually able to achieve all of my New Years GOALS because they felt unattainable but not impossible. I made a to do list for myself and knocked those bullet items out like nobody's business.

This year, my goals aren't quite so far fetched. I don't have any 'big' goals for myself. I accomplished a lot last year and my goals are somewhat more long term ones I hope to accomplish in the next couple years at the moment. This year, I want to attack my nasty habits and flaws. It's one thing to move to a city alone for a summer and work full time, for example, but another to be able to do that but not be able to do simple things like take out the trash and keep my dirty clothes off the floor. Or eat servings of greens and fruit a day. Or establish routine in my life. Or work on those long term goals I have. What kind of adult am I if I can accomplish the big things and not the small ones?!

My goal for 2014 is simple and that is to focus. Focus on staying organized in my life because I seriously struggle with the little things. Utilizing some dang discipline in my life and sticking to it not because I want to, but because I need to.

Looking at the big picture of things, it's the small attention to details that can set someone apart from failure and success. I can't achieve the big things without putting in the extra effort to finish them. That being said, I want to write every single day in 2014. 750 words. Daily. Of anything.

I am trying. I'm determined that this is the year that I prove to myself that I really can do everything to achieve my goals. I can apply for the big internships and get them AND I can work on my own projects with long term end goals every single day. I can work every day towards something I might not see the success of for years. I want to prove to myself that I am passionate about what I am doing and I will do anything it takes to get there. Discipline. I won't be the majority that gives up because something gets hard and I won't be the majority that won't put in the last 10% to make something good great.

Have at me 2014 and this beautiful challenge in front of me. I'm armed and prepared.

2013: the year of answers

How horribly cliche is the title of this post?

2013 was undeniably the best year of my life. It was reminiscent of 2010, when I felt like I was passionate about the path my life was following and figured out how to cut my bangs to fit my pumpkin shaped head. Which of course means that I will probably hit another identity crisis this time with a college degree under my belt but at the moment, 2013 was the year I think I figured myself out again. I made big choices. I learned to appreciate the present. I felt at peace with myself and what I was doing again. I found my place with my friends. I achieved goals that I didn't think in a million years last January I would possibly stand a chance of doing. 2012 was simply a bad year. 2013 allowed me to start over and reground myself as I changed my major, lived in a city alone for a summer, and gained back a confidence in my future I have never experienced in college so far.

The fact that so much can change in a year is terrifying. Who knows what it will look like next year? But the fact that so many things can change, if you want them to, is also sort of amazing. It's inspiring. To think that with courage and the ability to assess your life to make what changes you know you need to make to be happy even if it is 180 degrees opposite of where things are going now you can change your own fate is a liberating and reassuring thing.

Mostly what that meant was choosing a major that allows me to do all my homework in the bathtub with a glass of wine and live in a city as an unpaid intern, but you know, those are still life changing things. I'm gonna be a poor writer and get by with wine and no matter what, I will be way happier doing that than reading Biology textbooks.

Instead of doing a month by month overview like usual, I'm just going to make a list of highlights. Because, well, that really does take forever. And maybe I'll regret changing it up this year, but I also have a sister to hang out with beside me and I just want to go hang out with her as soon as possible.

highlights of 2013!!!!!!!

• I went on a day trip to the mountains with my mom, dad, and grandma where I learned to catch a fish and appreciate being completely isolated from civilization as a kid. It was a memorable and emotional trip together in the middle of winter and I did, in fact, wear jeans hiking through two feet of snow. Oops.
• I got to meet Abbi, the sweetest and most genuine person I've ever met who I first met on the internet. Now she is ENGAGED to the love of her life and it inspires me every day.
• I started to find the way to my own happiness.
• I conquered commuter life in Seattle as an adult with a full time job and felt EMPOWERED by my own abilities. It was sweeeeet. 
• I met Josh Ritter in Missoula while I was randomly walking around downtown Missoula. Stupidly, I didn't ask for a picture during our three minute conversation when I totally could have. But awesomely enough, he REMEMBERED me from past times I've met him and from the tweet I sent him the night before. I also got to attend the show front row with my mom who came all the way from Idaho. It was the best weekend of my spring semester.
• My Missoula family became my roommate of three years and the cat we shared together in the most boring brand new apartment I will ever live in. But it was a fantastic year nonetheless.
• I planned an inaugural event for 250+ people. I organized the volunteers. I made hundreds of phone calls to potential donors and begged for their generous donations. I wore heels for an entire day and night. I attended the event on a yacht. I felt AWESOME. I drove around Seattle by myself for the first time and rode the ferry back after the longest most stressful day of my life at 10pm. I found my way to a hamburger place I'd only been to once and stumbled upon Kerry Park where I ate a grilled cheese. It was one of those nights I'll never forget.
• I went on the worst date of my life with the worst hipster of my life. For those who still ask what happened, we did not end up dating. It was the THIRD scenario. And stupidly I ended up going out with him again this fall where he left me while I went to the bathroom on our date. The next night I met the boy I'd realize I was met to go on a few bad dates with so I could appreciate what the best date of my life felt like.
• When I realized that at some point, Seattle just became another place to me. Full of beautiful and perfect things, but at the end of the day, it didn't have the people I loved. It was a hard lesson as I cried on the steps I walked past every day after remembering where I sort of grew up a little in the city. 
• I went to the East Coast for the first time to visit my star sister who goes to school in Charlottesville, Virginia. It was the experience of a lifetime to see Monticello and experience some history of our country. 

• I turned 21 and it was the best birthday I've ever had. Can every day be your 21st? On second hand, maybe that's a really poor idea. But it was fun nonetheless to dance with cowboys, get free coffee at Starbucks, run my own meeting at work, eat with all of my intern friends at Pikes, and drink legally.
• The three sets of sisters were in the same place for the first time and it was the best celebration of the coolest friendship ever made.
• I went to Hawaii for spring break with my roommate because her aunt and uncle have a house there and we did nothing but explore jungles, the ocean, and beaches without running into a single tourist for a week.  
• I met Dillon in March for the first time IRL and then got to hang out with him over the summer in Seattle.
• I declared my Idaho roots once and for all. 
• I developed a girl crush on someone who hooked up with my ex and it was super awesome. 
• An enraged Panamian broke my glasses at a Mens' USA National soccer game.
• I wrote a letter to my 18 year old self.
• I went to a One Direction concert and Sydney came to visit me in Seattle all in the same week. 
• I realized, even after the best first date of my life and then best second date of my life ever the very next night followed by two weeks of effortless laughter and conversation, I was over-thinking the start of the best relationship I've ever had because I was scared to be vulnerable again. It's easy to close yourself off. It's harder to be open.
• I met fantastic friends in my English classes and learned how to accept compliments and believe in myself a little more.

Thanks, 2013. This year ROCKED.

so long, sweet semester

This has been my favorite semester.

This has been the first semester that I was officially a 100% registered English major according to the University of Montana. 

This has been the semester I quit worrying about what other people were doing and just did my own thing.

This has been the semester that I was technically "unemployed" but made it work like a boss by going home once a month to take pictures.

This has been the semester I missed my biology friends, but was happy to have most of them in my ecology class. As well as having my two best friends from freshmen year in it. Happy, happy reunion three days a week.

This has been the semester I read Thoreau and Chopin, said things like, "I can't possibly go out tonight, I have two papers due this week!", did most of my homework in the bathtub or in bed, and only had one class three days a week because the literature classes here really like Tuesdays and Thursdays.

This has been the semester that I felt truly and finally just my age. I was just a 21 year old college student, free of any other responsibilities except to go to class and get good grades.

This has been the semester I think I finally felt capable. No other semester in my life have I ever felt good at what I've done or like my best was enough. 

This has been the semester that I wrote almost constantly, and fell in love with the craft of it. 

This has been the semester I realized the right boy won't wait to text you back, won't make you wonder whether he likes you, won't make you text 10 page long messages to your friends deciphering his every move, and won't wonder himself whether he wants to be with you.

This has been the semester I built up the courage to flag down the first girl I saw on the first day of class wearing a floral print maxi skirt and square glasses to force to be my study buddy. As it turned out, we had three classes together and are now best friends. 

This has been the semester I spent my every weekend night with friends and forgot about homework on the weekends. 

This has been the semester I got a drink at the bar next-door to the coffee shop immediately after finishing homework.

This has been the semester I realized you have to explore and get out of your comfort zone if you ever want your life to change. Last semester, I was lonely and spent most nights inside and while I enjoyed it half the time, part of me wondered most of the time what it would be like if I changed that. Last semester, I expected life would change in time. It didn't. It changed when I made it change.

This has been the semester I felt like Missoula was the place I was meant to be in and the place for me.

This has been the semester I laughed every single day.

This has been the semester I talked to my professors and even became bus riding/coffee ordering buddies with them. And realized being pals with your professors is a GREAT thing indeed. Especially when it comes to studying for a final the night before you take it and getting email replies at 10pm answering your questions graciously. 

This has been the semester I trusted a good thing when I saw it in front of me.

This has been the semester I quit caring about eyeliner and started throwing on a hat instead of curling my hair. I always knew I could go to school in sweats sans makeup, but I never really knew I could feel so comfortable doing it.

This has been the semester I learned to stop worrying about the small trivial things and appreciate the bigger picture of things: I am happy, my family is healthy, I have great friends, and I am on the right path.

This has been the semester that I didn't just become the best version of myself, but I figured out the best version of myself was already there. It just needed a little perspective and a little bit of courage.

ready for December

Tomorrow is December.

December is one of my months. I have special relationships with the months of May, October, and December. They are my jam. Or something. And whenever we get to December, I can't help but start to feel a bit nostalgic that my favorite month of all is here and it's going to be over before I know it. Usually that makes me a little sad; like another year has come and passed by again before I realized it had even arrived. Sometimes I get sad before things even begin because I'm not ready for them to feel over.

This year feels a little different.

No, it's not the end of the year yet. But the fact that Thanksgiving is now over and winter break is just two weeks away, I'm already in the "winter" mindset. There's snow on the mountain tops of Missoula surrounding the valley and this year, it feels like winter should be here. It actually feels time for a new season. It feels like I experienced every season this year completely and as much as I could. I lived in the present and didn't let the days pass me by too quickly so I enjoyed the heck out of every day of every season as much as possible. This year feels so complete. Like I can kick back this month and enjoy it before time restarts.

How great of a feeling is that to be able to say going into the end of the year? To not feel rushed or thrown into it, but rather relaxed and happy to come full circle to what was maybe one of the best and most rewarding years of my life?

How great does it feel to feel capable of embracing next year as a new year and not needing to look at it as a fresh start, but as another opportunity for even more things to find and conquer?

I feel armed and ready with what I've gained this year and ready for the next.

I ended November with one of my favorite people in this world who is one of those parts of this year that was simply magical. DEBOOBRAH, this year wouldn't have been half of what it was without you.

"realizing I deserved better changed everything"

New relationships.

It's like my friend Debbie said, "I've been in three Facebook official relationships in my life. After each one, I've thought to myself NEVER AGAIN."

And then, you know, it's been a few weeks and and you find yourself doing the thing you swore you wouldn't do it again unless you thought really hard about it and reached the point where you expected at least a 6 month long expiration date into the future at minimum. Because isn't it the most embarrassing feeling in the world to change your status back to single and slam your computer screen down only to receive three texts in the next hour about it? Once everyone KNOWS, there's no going back.

But but but.

Here it goes. Square one. Public and fearless and armed with a don't-even-care who knows attitude. If my life were a TV series, I would be Seth Cohen standing on a coffee cart declaring my affection wanting everyone to know that I'm in this. Did I just say that? I'm in this. I've gotten really good at listening to my gut. It doesn't mean I always follow through with what it tells me to do and it doesn't mean I always back out before I get myself into corner, but when I do, I'm usually right. I was scared, I was scared, I was scared. But I was right. I was right about it being good and I was wrong when I thought I knew what being treated right felt like. Maybe that's sort of the best part about starting over with someone new- you forget about all the rules and things you told yourself you would do next time. The type of guy you are attracted to may have evolved into a floppy haired music major who in your first week of dating received calls from his mom twice when you were together and texted you THE DAY AFTER you hung out the first time, but when it comes to the rest you forget about the risks and bad parts of old relationships. You swore you'd never blog about a relationship EVER again, and there you have it. Facebook Official and blogged about in the same week. It's NEW, baby, and it sparkles like a firework. Or something dumb like that.

Also, as if I needed better proof than my gut instinct was possible of curating a happy bubble that can't be burst, I'm a lot closer to my TV series dream life than I even realized before I started dating my sort of real life Seth Cohen. And this morning I was notified that our celebrity couple name has two impeccably beautiful options: Saggie or Meth.

Saggie. Meth. 

That says it ALL. 

over thinking is BAD, I repeat, it's BAD.

Here's where I admit that I haven't logged into blogger or even read a single blog since Wednesday.

Here's where I admit that I have actually been seeing a boy for a couple months and while you probably figured that part out, I left out the part about seeing him nearly every day and sort of temporarily putting all of my hobbies on hold. I guess I'm that girl. And I'm fine with it? At first I was uncomfortable by the incessant need I felt to hang out with him so frequently because I told myself at the beginning I would "twice a week, at most". But after talking to a few friends and rethinking the whole thing I decided I didn't care. I decided to roll with it. I decided to hang out with him every night that I wanted to, even if it meant an episode of New Girl at 11:30pm when I was done with homework. I decided that every reason I had to sort of shy away from spending so much time with someone was related to my own issues and insecurities. Giving too much of myself and my time again so freely is scary. It's scary when in the past caring about someone too much came back to bite me hard. Caring about someone more than they cared about me is not an experience I want to relive. But that's sort of what this whole silly dating thing is about, right? Giving it another go, over and over again until it's "right" in the end?

But whatever this is going to be or what it will be is not what I'm concerned about, and that's truly the most exciting feeling for another person I've felt in the long time I've spent single. Being relaxed about the future, not over thinking anything, and not constantly wondering whether "he likes me back" - those feel like adult feelings. They feel like progress. They feel like a natural and mature beginning to something. Hanging out with someone because I can talk to them until 5am, and that's not an exaggeration, feels easy and like it speaks for itself. I feel comfortable with the relationship but even better, I feel comfortable with myself in it. No matter where it'll go or how long it'll last, I am happy with the beginning of everything and that says more about how much I've grown in the past couple years than anything. I don't need to hang out with him every day, I just want to. That difference means everything. 

misSOULa

As I adapt back into the routine of being a regular 21 year old college student again in Montana, my time away from Seattle and my life with an "adult" schedule has given me so much more perspective about my life in Missoula.

A month into my summer, I was ready to take a year off of school to establish residency, keep my internship, work like a maniac, and become a permanent "adult". I loved my summer. It was absolutely the internship of my dreams and being in Seattle was undoubtedly the place I was meant to be for where I was in my young adulthood. I have no doubts about why I was meant to be there when I was. 

But coming back to Montana after spending a summer with more responsibility than I've ever had has made me see, too, that the real world is always there. It's never too soon to start on your dreams and I definitely couldn't agree more on that front, but there's also something about enjoying this time in my life that's important, too. I was so anxious to find some sort of direction for myself and felt such a strong urgency to get started on some sort of idea of what I wanted my future to look like. Now that I've gotten that sense of direction for myself and know that the "real world" is there, I don't feel the same urgency to fret about my future. I have everything lined up for myself set in a direction I'm excited about. I'm working the hardest I've ever worked in school because I'm excited about what I'm learning. I value my education more than I ever did, too. And instead of being worried about what happens after college, I'm excited. But I also don't really feel myself counting down the days until it's over or want it to go too fast.

Missoula has been a treat this semester. I've enjoyed this little city more than I ever have in 3 years of living here. I missed the intimacy of this community. Leaving Seattle and coming back to Missoula has allowed me to value so many things about Missoula I didn't see as being a luxury before. Like having a 15 minute bike ride commute to school but still having a Target and a strong music culture. Like having mountains in my backyard to hike at a moments notice. Like a downtown that's small and cozy. Like a group of friends that are fun and easy to hang out with. 

I love this place. I still love Seattle. I still want to move back there. Just not yet. 

Moscow to Missoula

My parents just rolled out of Missoula right onto I90 heading home.

Unfortunately, I was mostly sick the entire weekend. Fortunately, the only thing I want when I'm sick is my momma and some quality cable time in a King sized bed of a Best Western. Thankfully, I got plenty of television time with my momma and a snoozing dad who can't keep his eyelids open past 9pm to watch a movie. (Have you seen Parental Guidance yet? As he pointed out, it's like a cheap version of Uncle Buck to which I had to agree but also it was good for some laughs.)

My parents. How I miss them.

I remember just before leaving for Seattle this summer I was taking an Intro to Literary Studies class. We were reading something I can't even remember the name of and we were asked to respond to the question, "How do you feel about home?" I remember receiving my paper back with a bunch of red marks and a comment that said, "Oh, that's quite sad and depressing." I didn't write what I think to this day was bad, I just wrote the truth. Home for me is sort of just that: it's a place wrapped up with all of those warm fuzzy feelings of lying on my living room carpet watching Lizzie McGuire with my sister and falling asleep in a twin sized bed in the adjacent room to my parents every night. But aside from it being the place where I grew up, I've found I have less and less of an attachment to it. I'm proud of my background but also sort of done with it at the moment. I don't really WANT to go home these days. I didn't even hesitate to not spend a summer there and all things considered, I didn't really miss IT all that much this summer. I just missed my family. I didn't really realize what a big change that was to the girl who started writing this blog as a senior in high school who was sad to leave home and came home far too many weekends her first semester of college. I wrote a little bit about that before I left for Seattle, too, but now I think I've come to see as well that my life IS in Montana now. I have been so happy and content in Missoula as the semester has started and it feels like my home right now. 

Anymore, I'd MUCH rather have my parents visit me than the other way around. I love showing them my life and I love introducing them to the people who make me want to stay in Missoula on weekends rather than go home. I love showing them where I eat brunch, my favorite place to run, and my favorite place to find greek yogurt on sale. Missoula is sort of the place that has raised me from teen adolescent into young adult. We skyped my little sister who is in Virginia this morning and by the time we said goodbye we all sort of sat there in a fog observing that where she lives now, too, is sort of the place that's raising her. She's growing up. We're both growing up. We're both past the LIzzie McGuire days. 

i am a champion, hear me ROAR

I have approximately 43 minutes until I'm supposed to be at my friend's house where we will leave Missoula in the dust for Seattle where Taylor Swift awaits us. The biggest things on my plate right now include deciding how to dye my hair next week at my appointment, finding a part time job to pay for my groceries, gas, and the occasional dress at Ruche, and which members of the opposite sex I'm most keen on pursuing Netflix dates with.

In other words: my life is easy right now.

I was thinking about this yesterday during my two hour lunch break I spent on the lawn of my campus and how pathetic it is that those three things are my biggest concerns right now. When I was complaining to a friend earlier about whether I should go ombre again or not, she said, "Wow, Maggie, your life is so hard." To which I nodded admittedly because, seriously, there was 100% truth in that statement.

And as I thought about it, I remembered where I was last year and what the biggest things on my plate were. I remember the week of school I missed for personal reasons. I remember feeling like I was no where near where I wanted to be in my life because I wasn't doing anything I enjoyed or was proud of. I remember being completely bitter about things that were meant to end. I've gone into these things and more here and there around my blog- but to sit in the grass eating my lunch, realizing I was excited to go to my next class and all of my classes this semester, fully content with the direction life is moving and taking me, and that my biggest worries were so small felt liberating. And I'm not ashamed of it! I know the difference between what a small worry is and a big one and I think I appreciate the ease of my life at the moment more than I would if I hadn't experienced all that I have. So, there you have it. I am so extremely grateful for such small anxieties. I am so extremely grateful to just enjoy.

On that note, seriously, what should I do with this mess of hair? Go dark? Go dark with a few highlights? Ombre with my natural color as the dark shade and lighter tips? Taking any and all recommendations.

SENIOR YEAR of college is brewing

It's that time of year when I think I'm ready for heaps of homework because there's only so much fun I can actually have day after day with my friends, I'm hunting Craigslist like a hawk for furniture and this year, a bicycle, accidentally taking the longest routes home because I haven't mapped out the new area where I live yet, and preparing makeshift meals because my pantry isn't filled yet. Case in point: last night I had an english muffin with peanut butter, a piece of watermelon, and some Wheat Thins for dinner. You only college once, right?

Anyways, it's 11AM and I've finished my first day as a senior in college already. Already, I've been mistaken for a freshmen, but all is good. I've come to terms with the fact that every bouncer I meet is going to ask to see everything in my wallet with my name on it (health insurance card, library card- you name it) and other freshmen on campus will lump me in their category.

I guess now that college is rolling again and I'm back in Montana, it's time to also blog again. I say I "guess" because I am once again in charge of my own schedule so I have some flexibility and thus, will  probably procrastinate on homework and other things I should be doing by documenting life occurrences.

This year I solemnly swear I will: journal and write 250 words daily, eat less carbs and more greens, move everything important to my external hard drive, not be such an internet junkie and enjoy my friends, meet Taylor Swift again, get a job, and, uh, just live life with more gratitude. Gratitude! That's my word of the year. Seattle was a wonderful great place where I got to live my dreams for a few months but if anything, coming back to Montana has shown me that most of experiencing new things is being grateful for what's available to you and putting yourself out there. You gotta do things to experience them, not complain about what you don't have, you know?

satisfaction

Happy Monday! 

For the first Monday in fourteen weeks I did not: wake up at 6:30am to take a shower, walk to my bus at 7:54am, ride the bus at 8:04am, board my 8:45am ferry, arrive at work at 9:45am, work for eight hours, do the entire ferry/bus/walk thing in reverse, get home at 7:45pm, eat dinner, stalk the internet for an hour, read, and fall asleep by 10pm. 

I'm back in Idaho! Temporarily, for I move into my new apartment in Missoula in two days and I have a sister to say goodbye to before she goes to Virginia and last minute unpacking to do. 

I feel like I have a lot I could say. I have a lot of stuff I'll get to eventually, about Seattle, about my Internship, about city life vs small town life, about everything- and I'll get there. I'm still summer-ing and enjoying the present before it's gone so I'll just say this: I feel at peace. For now, I'm not eager to get somewhere else to do bigger and better things with my life because I finally started to do just that. I am satisfied. I feel okay with where I am right now in this moment and feel like I've been able to take a big deep breath of air for the first time in too long. Life is good and life is moving where I want it to go. There's no immediate rush to make any big decisions just yet about the future as it is finally just steadily going somewhere. I made the big choices, I got myself here, and I'm at peace with the now. Boy does it feel good.

a bad day blogged about because

I've started over and rewritten this post, tried to write another one entirely, and then started again. It's no use. I can't write about anything else because this is what I'm thinking about.

If I'm being totally honest with this blog, yesterday something bad happened in the morning right outside my office and it sort shook me. It took 3 months to muster the sort of "city confidence" I've built to walk around the city alone and skirt around questionable people and areas without much thought. The city is just not something I grew up experiencing. The scarier sides are an extreme I've never seen in a cozy small college town. When I say it took a long time to become comfortable, I mean it took me a long time to feel safe.

Which was my problem, really. And truthfully, these kind of incidents can happen anywhere, even in my small hometown. It can happen at any time, at the building where you work or the street you walk on every day. I spent the morning feeling like I just wanted Idaho back and I wanted my internship to be over now. Walking across the street to the Post Office, I kept my head down and sped walked as fast as I could. I might have hated Seattle for a second.

My night turned the day upside down. I fell in love with the city again. I realized how silly I was. I realized how naive I was to think that I could ever feel 100% safe anywhere. I realized I hung onto that confidence for the sake of putting on a brave face because I'd been totally on my own first five weeks I was here. I felt like I had to feel confident or I'd crumble. No single place is perfect. And the things that Seattle has given me are so much more than a random act of violence. I saw the city from a new perspective, both literally and figuratively, and walked through it in the evening sunshine, tense at first, but slowly with more comfort. I walked back to my ferry stop slightly anxious but okay again. I got it back. I couldn't love this city more. It's a wonderful place not without its faults but it has a whole lot of positive things about it, too.

It was a bad day. But it was a lot worse for other people and in the end the person I feel worse for, is the one who did it. 

the best birthday of my life

I was sitting at my desk yesterday around 3pm, only just starting to do some work after a birthday party was thrown by my office in complete Michael Scott style, between three bouquets of flowers next to my computer, two packages, and a flood of notifications and texts on my phone wishing me happy birthday when it just sort of snowballed at once how remarkable it was to be sitting there. Last year, I had a good birthday, don't get me wrong. I had the low key of all low key summers and it was good. But a year later and I'm sitting in an office as an intern having the time of my life in SEATTLE living a dream and the people in my life are nothing short of amazing hard working people I'm proud to be friends with- how is this my life just a year later?!

I think the biggest things I've taken away from being twenty are two things and they're both two simple things I learned the hard way, as I always learn these things. Your life shouldn't be just okay. You should love the things you're doing and the people you're around. You should love every day for not just the big picture of things but for what your life is now. You get out of life what you put into it and I just wasn't putting much into it. I was thumbing through my college years thinking that what I was doing would get me a well paying job and eventual happiness when all along I knew that I should have been studying writing. I should have been starting on my life and happiness then instead of thinking of happiness as something to achieve later. There's having a goal and working towards something you want so I realize the big things don't come easy, but you also never know if everything is going to go as planned. And if you don't like the baby steps and doing the ground "grunt" work, how are you going to get there!? I get excited about writing a tweet at my internship or just writing a flyer. It's hard to be away from my friends and family but I like what I'm doing every day. I hated reading my biology textbooks. Secondly, surround yourself by people who make you a better person that you just feel better around.

Twenty was messy. I had a lot of figuring out to do as I'm sure I'll have more to sort out later. But for the moment, I've gotten this far and it's a lot further than I was last year. I've figured out where my potential can take me in the future and suddenly my life feels limitless as opposed to restricted. I got myself to Seattle for the summer. And the people I'm around are motivated inspiring people. And while I'm laying on the cheese factor, it's because of those people, those 38 MCAT scoring, Seattle Photography Intern working, and Hawaiian living beings, that I took some risks, too. 

I'm a proud cat loving creative writing major and I love my ordinary life and all the grunt work in it and I love it now. 

my intern friends! 

after this, my whole office sang and we had cake. i love my office.

to the fried egg jellyfish in the ocean

I had a bad week. Even the coolest news that's ever landed in my email inbox didn't improve my mood by that much. It ended with me in the parking lot of Rite Aid on a Saturday night past closing letting emotions happen as they do over Redvines and Ben & Jerry's. I think I've had a hard time admitting to myself what I was feeling in the moment because golly gee, I'm in Seattle! Living the life I've always dreamed of! And I'm 20 years old for crying out loud, so I should suck it up and stop calling my mom daily! These are things I've told myself whenever swells of loneliness have pooled their way into my brain and luckily, until this week, I've gotten over it in less than a day. And all week I told myself, "You're not lonely, you don't miss your friends or Montana, get over yourself, it's SEATTLE! You're only allowed to be happy!" But then I found myself outside of Rite Aid being asked by the guy who rang up my Redvines, Ben & Jerry's, and Flea spray if I was okay and to my dismay my mom was out of service in Wyoming so calling her wasn't an option. So finally I admitted it to myself: I was lonely.

So this morning when I woke up to blueberry pancakes served with huckleberry syrup brought from Sandpoint, Idaho and then was asked if I was feeling up for a kayaking adventure, I perked up immediately. We voyaged across the channel from straight out of the backyard off of the dock and it was like once I was out of my bed and in the sunshine, I started to come back to life again. Halfway into our trip, suddenly I spotted a white cloud underneath our kayak and to my astonishment, it was a giant jellyfish. A giant jellyfish that in a matter of seconds made its way to the surface of the ocean right in front of me. I don't know why but that jellyfish set my little sad spirits free. It sort of floated there while we paddled back and forth, observing it, and I let time sort of stop in my mind to hang on to the moment. Idaho and Montana are quite obviously landlocked states, but it wasn't about feeling appreciative of the chance to see this jellyfish I could never see at home, but rather, it was about feeling welcomed and connected to my environment. Which, obviously, the jellyfish itself didn't do, but rather than running about a city seeing its many sights whose attractions belong to the memories of thousands of people, that sole jellyfish belonged to just me. It was uniquely mine. It hung around there for a few seconds as we stared in silence, just long enough so that when it left, we were already paddling away, too, getting what we both wanted.

Thank you, jellyfish. I think if you could talk, you would have told me to relax. Missing home, even if it's the one place you know you can't live in again, is just fine. As is calling your mom at 20 years old. So is missing your friends. So is admitting that place isn't everything, the people you love is a big part of what makes a home. And it's okay to feel those things. Everything is okay, as long as you just keep going the way you're meant to go and come back up to the surface for air every now and then when you need it.

There isn't a grilled cheese like a Mom's grilled cheese

In three days I have asked my Mom to make me a grilled cheese three times. It dawned on me the first time I moved out of my parents' house that no grilled cheese will ever tast the same as my Mom's. Even the best grilled cheese sandwiches I've ever had (Beechers and Red Robin),as good as they are, just don't taste the same. For three years I have eagerly looked forward to coming home to Moms' grilled cheese. However, in the past few days I have had an even more unusual than normal close attachment to my Moms' grilled cheese. While mulling over the reasons behind what made my sandwich so dang great after the third day of having a grilled cheese for lunch, it dawned on me that the reason it tasted and felt so much better than normal had everything to do with what one of my best friends said about living in a city for the first time. 

Upon coming home and nestling into the comforts of the life I knew for 18 years, it took no time at all to feel like I was in high school again driving a 1983 Subaru with horrible side bangs. Surely, I've noticed and appreciated things about my small hometown now that I've experienced the very opposite of it day after day, but also in falling back into my regular routines I've seen that it's exactly that comfortable routine that is so different than my life in Seattle. In Seattle, every single thing is a new experience to me. In both Moscow and Missoula, my life is already laid out for me. Everything is comfortable. I know those places in and out. I know my place and I have my niches. In Seattle, I eat at different places every single time I eat out. I explore different parts of the city every weekend. I'm always on high alert mode so that I am on track to get to and from where I need to go. Mentally, it's a completely different way of life, too. Seattle requires my undivided attention. It almost feels like a game sometimes as to whether I can really do it all.

One of my closest friends from Moscow is living in a city in France for the summer and for all of next semester. We were talking about how life in Moscow and living in a city is so drastically different from one another and what parts of it we liked and didn't like when she commented on the fact that the biggest shock isn't the fast paced way of life in a city, but rather how it feels to simply not have any ties to the city or much of a bearing on where we are. I know what she means. I feel like I could spend every single day doing something in a new part of the Seattle area without ever getting bored or repeating a day once. I simply can't ever know Seattle as well as I know Moscow or Missoula and surely not in a summer. I feel like I'm running around with my head cut off most of the time without ever really attaching any ties to any one place here. I may like a coffee shop next to my work or enjoy a sandwich at the shop down the block but I have no memories anywhere. Building a new life is so new and liberating but at times emotionally exhausting. I know there have been moments when I just wished I could have a pocket of the city that was strictly my own that I could attach the same feelings of comfort to, similar to the feeling of my mom making me a grilled cheese in the kitchen of the house I grew up in. Which might be asking for too much, however, even in Missoula I have those places I go to that are always a comfort because they remind me of some memory or they're part of my routine somehow.

It's confusing at times. I'm having the time of my life and then I have crippling moments of anxiety when I wish I could just experience five minutes of home. It's pushing me and I know it's making me reach harder than ever to make those ties to my surroundings. At the same time, Seattle seems to be a place that I've been able to see myself thriving in more than any other place I've ever visited. Settling and creating a life takes time. I'm starting to get to the phase of settling with friends I see regularly and places I've started to frequent. That helps. And even being home, I'm reminded that my time in Moscow has expired and my place is in all of the unfamiliarity that Seattle offers.

But sometimes, I just wish those pockets of comfort were as accessible as Moms' grilled cheese. And I've soaked up my time at home as much as possible to take the feeling back with me to Seattle.

I D A H O

There's a reason why I love my hometown. It's not because of the rolling hills or hanging out with my sister, though. No way.

I don't really know when my sister became so much cooler than me and surpassed me in her wit, likability, and way of negotiating really late curfews with my parents, but she did all of that and more. She got a better scholarship to go to a better college than I will graduate from, she managed to pick better friends than the ones I did in High School (and will probably pick better ones as a freshmen than I did), she watches way better movies and has better taste in music than I do, she has illustrated a childrens' book, and she did all of these things so dang effortlessly. I would be jealous but if there's any single person that I want to see succeed and be happy, it's her. And the fact that she does everything without making the mistakes that I made makes me happy, too.

This next week we will have our last family vacation before she goes off to college making my parents empty nesters. We're proud of her. But we sort of miss her already.
 

capable or something like it

Tonight this little thing that has been sort of my baby that I've slowly grown emotionally attached to its success of because of my hours of tedious work fine tuning everything to be perfect finally came to be. It happened. All of the details came together; floor plans were made three dimensional, arrangements were finalized, and introductions were made .

Tonight I realized how far I've come in just a month at the sort of thing my job requires which includes a whole lot of self confidence (because the number of times you're shot down is much higher than the number of times you're received kindly) and a sort of suave charm. A kind of charming that is very warm and sincere but without being bubbly or sweet- which is exactly that kind of thing comes across as fake. I fueled myself up on carbs and water all day just so that nothing, no emotion or thought, would be forced. Whether it was my experience that pulled through or preparations, it worked. Tonight I mingled and suave-charmed my way around a room of 250 strangers and didn't blink once.

Tonight I wore heels for nine hours straight and my feet didn't hate me. This has to be some sort of coming of age miracle. 

Tonight I think I realized what is so good about my job that goes beyond the job description. The fact is, the people I'm surrounded by are people I look up to and aspire to be like someday.

Tonight I drove myself back home from the Ballard neighborhood in Seattle at 10pm. Having missed my ferry and with 45 minutes of spare free time, I drove myself to a burger place I went to with friends two weeks ago, navigated there without my phone's GPS, and then got myself to Kerry Park alone to consume the best peanut butter oreo milkshake in the world. I didn't even bring my phone with me. I didn't take any pictures. It wasn't the vast rolling hills in front of me like I was talking about missing the other day, but it was the first quiet peaceful moment I've had by myself in weeks. And, I let myself absorb the last month fully. At the end of those 45 minutes what I decided after trying to organize my thoughts about the last month was quite simple: that I am proud of myself.

Tonight when someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life, I said I didn't know, but I wanted to write about things I loved, whether that be the world, the people in it, the environment, or just my lovely stupidly wonderful life- I didn't know. And he said, "You'll do it." Tonight I felt capable.

My family came + I melted into a self pitying puddle

Today, a month after arriving, I finally reached the point of just too much city. I'm kind of surprised a moment like it didn't happen sooner. I have reached the point in the past where I needed to close my eyes for a second in the middle of the street to relax for a moment. However, whether it was because I had to say goodbye to my sister and second family as they left Seattle for the weekend or because I really was just fed up with going nearly three weeks without a day at home to just rest and not go anywhere at all, today I'd pretty much just had enough city. I put on my sunglasses and stuck my head phones in my ears (is this why everyone in the city wears sunglasses and listens to music as they walk around?) so at least I couldn't hear the city noise and like a child thought, if they can't see my eyes, they can't see me, right!? And feeling about as invisible as I could on a busy Sunday morning with families around me going to Father's Day brunch, I found a place to sit that wasn't a green grassy park  where I could lay down and look at the clouds but instead the next best thing which was a mini garden of sorts between two buildings with three floors of concrete stairs leading down to the Seattle Great Wheel with the Puget Sound in front of me. I allowed myself to have a mini pity party even as I knew that truly, I had no valid complaints. Life is as great now as it has ever been. I just felt alone when I didn't want to feel alone.

Plus, there was the fact that after an empty house was made a full one for two nights, it wasn't until I got to feel its fullness that I really felt the emptiness in its entirety. And maybe I didn't want to really go back it without my sister. Not once in a month has having a house to myself to live in felt lonely until suddenly I had people in it and people to leave it.

I like this living alone stuff. It's forced me to cut the crap and grow the heck up a little bit here and there. Less dilly dallying, more work and efficiency. It's made me a more streamlined version of myself. Living all alone has been one of the best experiences I've ever had but it takes a certain amount of energy and responsibility, too, to do it all alone. My room is still borderline Hoarders due to my clothes thrown about but I'm on top of my stuff 100%. Life is organized down to the minute during the week. The money I spend is my own and boy is Seattle expensive. My dad in an email recently told me I was on the right track in life and doing it right so as I sat on the steps feeling a little bit sorry for myself, I took another second to remind myself of what I was doing. Starting a new life, if only for four months, is a big deal. At least, it's the biggest thing I've ever done on my own. I can say with complete certainty that moving to Seattle for the summer is one of those choices I made that is going to precede many other big ones to follow that I never would have made without this summer. It's completing me and filling holes I didn't even know needed to be filled. 

But, I miss my family. I miss comfort. For twenty minutes on some stairs in the middle of Seattle today, I missed familiarity. And yet, when I got moving again off those dumb stairs where my pride bit the dust, I looked not at the sky but at those tall, tall buildings and thanked the city for all that it's giving me. Which, really, is everything I've ever wanted. This is my time right now, my time of independence and discovery, even if I wish I had my little sister to watch How I Met Your Mother with me tonight.

*******

weekend pictures! honestly, we were pretty lazy. all weekend.

but sometimes those are the best weekends. target, how i met your mother, 

new swimming suits,

ferry & bus rides, and a lot of good food.