Monday, March 15

the curse of the good girl.

For the entirety of my life, I've been known as the "good girl". The girl that gets perfect grades, respectful and polite to her elders, loved by everyone, and a genuine "sweetheart". I am not being arrogant when I say that I can not count the number of times in a day that I am told that I am "cute" or "adorable". I've just always been the girl that won't tell someone what I really think because I'm afraid it will offend them. I've always been the girl that helped my friends endlessly to make them happy, sometimes jeopardizing what I want so they can be happy. I've always been the infinitely happy one, who oozes of sweetness and nothing but positivity. Because that's who I am. Happy. I've always been the girl that stood on the sidelines during every spat and drama among my friends instead of getting caught in the middle. I've never had a drop of alcohol nor smoked a single butt. I've stayed home on Friday nights because I didn't want to go to a party my friend was going to, and made up excuses because I didn't want to tell them I disapprove. I've always been the girl that waited for things to fall into place, the patient one. Instead of initiating a course of events and being the pebble that shakes the pond, I wait for the rest of the world to be the pebbles and hope the ripple reaches me until I get what I want.

I'm not saying any of this is bad. I love who I am and I love that it isn't a secret that I am a huge dork at heart. I love that I get excited over stupid things, like taking a bubble bath with spongebob bath salts, or simply driving ten minutes and blasting a ridiculous song. I love that the smallest things make me the happiest girl ever. I really don't care what people think of me, and I don't try to be anyone I'm not. I love that I don't give in to peer pressure and that I can stay true to who I know I am when I see dozens of people change themselves for other people. I love that I have so many friends that treat me well and trust me enough to tell me their problems/secrets. It's not that I'm afraid that they won't like me or want to be my friend, I honestly just don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them they are making mistakes or bad decisions. I usually watch them make their mistakes, and then hold their hand as they learn their lesson. I do tell them when I don't think what they are doing is exactly "wise", and always advise them to think deeply about what they are doing. I love that, truly, I am innocent in the fact that I am always kind, helpful, and uncultured in the world of sexual innuendo. It's just me. Innocent little me.

And yet...for the first time in my life...I want to tell every single person in my life exactly what I think. I don't want to wait for him to figure his thoughts out and wait for their relationship to go off the deep end. I don't want to wait until I leave for college and he is left here never knowing what I feel and think. I want to get right in the middle and cause a hot mess. I want to tell him we belong together and mess everything up between him and her. I want to sob and scream and cause a huge scene. I want to get exactly what I want right this second. I want him to be forced into making a decision, instead of waiting silently with a dollar scoop of ice cream from baskin robbins just for him. I want him to make the choice, and be faced with the realization that I am leaving. It's choosing right now instead of in a year and a half when we live in the same place again. It's choosing to be happy- because I know that's what he is when he's with me. I want to yell it from a rooftop or from the top of the empire state building. What do I have to loose? Him. His friendship and everything we've built together. And, honestly, there's no way in helll I can loose that. I've become too attached. I've fallen. But I'm scared. I'm scared he won't choose me. Because they are still them, they are still eachother's. No matter how many hours on the weekends we spend together, no matter how many times we dance, go to dinner and ice cream, and no matter how many text messages we exchange in an hour.

For once, I want to shed my good girl reputation and be the bad girl. Because the bad girls always seem to get what they want, in the end. Even if it's for five seconds, they get the guy that they are obsessed with right there and then. Even if it means they are the "other" girl and cause their split. Even if it means they hook up with them at a party and lure him into something he desperately wants right then and there; but maybe not forever.

I don't want to be cute. I don't want to have a sweet smile on my face. I want to be irresistible. I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be angry and loud. I want to be the unattainable, the one that he can't stand to loose.


Becca said...

Ha ha I love the message right there under "Post a comment"- it is exactly how I feel! So, you've definitely made my day a whole lot better. Thanks!
And yeah, I know what you mean about that wonderful feeling when's so difficult to make myself run AT ALL, and I know that I look ridiculous because I'm the slowest runner ever, working up the biggest sweat and the reddest face you can imagine, but doesn't it feel good?
Just groovin' with some fun music, and running. Ahhhh.


erin :) said...

oh my gosh. you are my soul sister. i'm not kidding. ever since high school, and even in middle school but not as seriously, i've been known as the girl that's always happy and is so innocent. and yeah, i see how it's good but the truth is, i'm not, i mean i haven't smoked a joint or any of that junk, but i know what goes around and i live daily problems that any normal lives. i just overcome them with a perseverance that some people just can't find in themselves. i thank god that i know him and that i am as happy as i am, but sometimes i just wish i could scream to the world "I AM NOT THAT GIRLLLLLLL" haha, i can just picture myself doing that... anyway but seriously! i even wrote a memoir/essay about this! my whole life practically revolves around this. you are like a blessed miracle. finally. someone who understands my painnnn!!!!!!!

although, i will say i am not in a pickle about boys are you are kind of in. i'd have to know more context about this situation, but from what i see, i'd say tell him. not like "I LOVE YOU" cuz that's just kind of crazy, but in a honest, "maggie" way, and if he's really the guy for you, he'd understand. and if he's really a good friend, he'd still be your friend even if he can't go out with you. anyway, i seriously need to stop procrastinating so i can actually have time to email you! but if you have time, please do email me first. haha. :)

thank you for... i dont even know!! haha :D

erin :)

Selma said...

this writing of you is so true! I feel like I can be your friend because there is you, that would understand how I feel, too.
I am happy to be your new follower!
thanks for coming by!

Audrey J. said...

that's so sweet! you're a totally sweetheart and i wish you good luck with that guy... i feel bad that i can not talk like that abotu my self, i mean i'm not bad but im not too good either... :) can't wait to hear some news!

Anonymous said...

That's exactly how I am looked at you, "miss goody two shoes." So when I do something WRONG, they freak! I just want to tell those people, don't judge me by my outer appearance. I have moments when I am abnoxious, loud, crazy and moments when I am more reserve. Each individual is like that.

Just be yourself dear. Yes, those girls who are rude and abnoxious always tend to get what they want but their reputation isn't as great when it comes down to the tiny things. Be who you are and one day you know it all was worth it.