the curse of the good girl.

For the entirety of my life, I've been known as the "good girl". The girl that gets perfect grades, respectful and polite to her elders, loved by everyone, and a genuine "sweetheart". I am not being arrogant when I say that I can not count the number of times in a day that I am told that I am "cute" or "adorable". I've just always been the girl that won't tell someone what I really think because I'm afraid it will offend them. I've always been the girl that helped my friends endlessly to make them happy, sometimes jeopardizing what I want so they can be happy. I've always been the infinitely happy one, who oozes of sweetness and nothing but positivity. Because that's who I am. Happy. I've always been the girl that stood on the sidelines during every spat and drama among my friends instead of getting caught in the middle. I've never had a drop of alcohol nor smoked a single butt. I've stayed home on Friday nights because I didn't want to go to a party my friend was going to, and made up excuses because I didn't want to tell them I disapprove. I've always been the girl that waited for things to fall into place, the patient one. Instead of initiating a course of events and being the pebble that shakes the pond, I wait for the rest of the world to be the pebbles and hope the ripple reaches me until I get what I want.

I'm not saying any of this is bad. I love who I am and I love that it isn't a secret that I am a huge dork at heart. I love that I get excited over stupid things, like taking a bubble bath with spongebob bath salts, or simply driving ten minutes and blasting a ridiculous song. I love that the smallest things make me the happiest girl ever. I really don't care what people think of me, and I don't try to be anyone I'm not. I love that I don't give in to peer pressure and that I can stay true to who I know I am when I see dozens of people change themselves for other people. I love that I have so many friends that treat me well and trust me enough to tell me their problems/secrets. It's not that I'm afraid that they won't like me or want to be my friend, I honestly just don't want to hurt their feelings by telling them they are making mistakes or bad decisions. I usually watch them make their mistakes, and then hold their hand as they learn their lesson. I do tell them when I don't think what they are doing is exactly "wise", and always advise them to think deeply about what they are doing. I love that, truly, I am innocent in the fact that I am always kind, helpful, and uncultured in the world of sexual innuendo. It's just me. Innocent little me.

And yet...for the first time in my life...I want to tell every single person in my life exactly what I think. I don't want to wait for him to figure his thoughts out and wait for their relationship to go off the deep end. I don't want to wait until I leave for college and he is left here never knowing what I feel and think. I want to get right in the middle and cause a hot mess. I want to tell him we belong together and mess everything up between him and her. I want to sob and scream and cause a huge scene. I want to get exactly what I want right this second. I want him to be forced into making a decision, instead of waiting silently with a dollar scoop of ice cream from baskin robbins just for him. I want him to make the choice, and be faced with the realization that I am leaving. It's choosing right now instead of in a year and a half when we live in the same place again. It's choosing to be happy- because I know that's what he is when he's with me. I want to yell it from a rooftop or from the top of the empire state building. What do I have to loose? Him. His friendship and everything we've built together. And, honestly, there's no way in helll I can loose that. I've become too attached. I've fallen. But I'm scared. I'm scared he won't choose me. Because they are still them, they are still eachother's. No matter how many hours on the weekends we spend together, no matter how many times we dance, go to dinner and ice cream, and no matter how many text messages we exchange in an hour.

For once, I want to shed my good girl reputation and be the bad girl. Because the bad girls always seem to get what they want, in the end. Even if it's for five seconds, they get the guy that they are obsessed with right there and then. Even if it means they are the "other" girl and cause their split. Even if it means they hook up with them at a party and lure him into something he desperately wants right then and there; but maybe not forever.

I don't want to be cute. I don't want to have a sweet smile on my face. I want to be irresistible. I want to be irreplaceable. I want to be angry and loud. I want to be the unattainable, the one that he can't stand to loose.