the weight of it allllllllll

Maybe it's the record amounts of snow we are getting (after a record warm January last month) and the sheer amount of crazy happening in all my classes, but I am feeling a little (a lot) stretched thin right now.

I want to do it all. I want to show up to every class having carefully read every single word. I want to be there for every single one of my friends who are enduring loads of emotional drama in their lives (is this the winter of breakups after breakups or what?). I want to volunteer at the nursing home like it's my full time job. I want to read every single one of the 300 submissions to our school's literary magazine that I'm working on this semester. I want to meet my Netflix quota for the week. I want to meet my personal Netflix quota but also hang out with my boyfriend when I'm done with homework. I want to cook healthy meals every day instead of eating crappy food on campus. I want to work harder to book more photography jobs than I am now. I want to work out and be active. I want to babysit on weekends. I want to ski, go snowshoeing, take winter pictures, and thrift. 

I want to do it all. For five weeks, I've tried. I've tried and it's starting to take a toll on the quality and quantity of sleep I get every night. It's starting to take a toll on my happiness and the way I process every emotion, good or bad. It's starting to all become an all consuming never ending to do list I'm always thinking about and taking me away from the present.

And the thing is, my "problems" aren't even really "problems". It's just life and being busy. It's just those pesky extra ten minutes in the morning brushing six inches of snow off my car, losing a couple hours of sleep, and not being able to have as much fun as I'd like that's getting to me. It's just LIFE and I'm sick of waking up feeling stressed every morning. This week I'm trying to wake up with a fresher and happier attitude. It's starting to help and putting in time to go to the gym is also helping. The fact is, I can't do it all and after five weeks, I'm starting to accept I won't be able to execute all of the above perfectly. And that's okay.

My best sometimes is good enough.

first snow

On my to do list for the night is to fit in a shower. Laura, are you reading this? Are you proud?

It's one of those weeks, I guess. Not that I'm complaining. It's just one of those weeks where naps are taking precedence over showers and breakfast is a muffin and protein bar in class.

Still. Not. Complaining.

Thankfully Avril released her new album and it is head bangin' and everything I could have wanted from my main girl. (I called my dad this morning to ask if he'd downloaded it yet. His response, "No, because I don't know how to put it on my music player since you still haven't taught me." Noted.) It's almost good enough to make me forget she married someone from Nickleback, which is coincidentally my dad's other favorite musician.

I also finished editing 900 photos from the wedding I did in late September and I definitely feel like that justifies a glass of wine before dinner. But wait, there's still a test to study for, a discussion question to post with 75 pages of reading I have yet to do, and three workshop critiques to finish before 11pm.

I really have nothing meaningful or even interesting to say about my day or my life this evening. But the way I figure it, not every blog post should mean something. Sometimes it's okay to say that today I haven't showered because there was two inches of snow on the ground when I woke up and I decided to stay in bed an extra fifteen minutes.

Decisions like those sometimes mean the difference between a day feeling like all you did was run around doing a million things and feeling like though you had a busy day, the stress of it doesn't feel so tangible because you got an extra fifteen minutes to prepare for it all.

cats, calories, and crazies

The cats:

The calories:

The crazies:

The past week:

Visiting the humane society on a Friday afternoon, creative writing classmates who dress up as cops prior to reading their short story, lemon drops, out of control drunk girls who leave their boyfriends to jump on your present male interest ("Is he any of your girls' boyfriend?" "Nope, have at him girlfriend!" lol'ing for days) and then being passed off onto you when he shrugs her off of him apologetically, french toast and pumpkin pie pancakes with your mom on the most perfect fall Saturday in Idaho, and dying over how full and happy life has been this month.

chaotic

my life for the past three days have consisted of 3:45am alarms, airports each day, a lot of family and hugging and crying, and to keep me sane, a venti nonfat pumpkin spice latte. seriously, i never would have made it without my starbucks coffee at the airport every day. idaho, wyoming, utah, and montana all in three days. strangely, though, as exhausted as i am and despite my 9pm bedtime, it hasn't been too difficult to wake up. something tells me it's because i'm just so excited each day to be reunited with my family when it feels like that's the best dose of medicine for the heart.

these three days have made me appreciate the little things even more. they've also pushed me into consciously thinking each day about what i'm going to remember that day or what made today "worth it" like i preached about in my previous post. i jotted them down in my little notebook for my writing class and it was actually kind of spectacular to look back and read them. i might have to consider keeping this pattern up.

little things
-my grandma's face lighting up as i stepped off of the tarmac and into the terminal. something about knowing that it was my personal choice to make the trip alone to wyoming to be with her and knowing it was my doing that could bring her that joy humbled me deeply.
-eating (and loving) fresh strawberries for the first time.
-texts from my mom goodnight with an "i love you".
-being complimented by a stranger.
-staying up until midnight talking about everything and saying things that were long since over due.
-leaping into my sister's bed this morning when i arrived.
-coffee, always the coffee.
-five minutes alone in the car with each of my parents.
-facetime.
-crunchy leaves, sunny day, sweater, and a slight breeze.
-some serious retail therapy in two days by means of a purse on sale, perfect dress, and the most amazing floral tights.
-being mom's stylist for the day.
-painting my nails with grandma.
-the deletion of a 'friend' on facebook. it was coming, y'all.
-taylor swift's new song AND mumford and son's new album.
-wonderful flight attendants who bring you free refills on apple juice.

maybe it's dumb that these little things give such meaning to my day, but they make me happy in the moment. i guess i'm all about that these days.

all i have to say about right now is

i should be watching the head and the heart at one of the coolest venues

to watch a concert... ever.

instead i'm here?

also, i'm just as disappointed with this lack luster blah post. after tomorrow night,

life will be unpaused and i'll have freedom once more.

also, you know how you convince yourself that college is really awesome

and oh my gosh it's not that hard is it? but then you have midterms week

and suddenly you haven't showered for two days and have been home only

to sleep. and you realize, oh yeah.
COLLEGE.

in my spare time, i like to hang out in abandoned houses...

but really, my motto is "the creepier, the better". and this doesn't just apply to finding places to take senior portraits or where to explore, either. stories, pictures, and more to come.

i'm booked solid this week for senior pictures (six planned shoots upcoming this week and i had four this weekend) so i'll have an update there soon, i have thoughts to share about the funeral mass i attended yesterday, and a couple of last summer posts before i leave for school.

life is busy, but i like it.

busy

lately, i've been "busy". 

i can't remember the last time i had a full day, like today, to sit at home in my own house and just do the things i like. it feels like since thanksgiving there hasn't been time for anything let alone spending hours on the computer, blogging, reading for pleasure, or cleaning. yeah, i definitely let my room go. another thing i haven't done in way too long? work out. i love the routine of working out. it lasted a solid two months this year at school and i was so proud of the four times a week i made myself go, always at 9am straight after biology. i can be the laziest girl in the world (i.e. this past week of six hours of television a day) but i never do feel that satisfied after days of doing nothing. i like being "busy". i like having routine. 

however, the more i thought about what "busy" meant i realized just how much i'd let myself use it as an excuse to sidestep routine. if i had a huge organic chemistry test coming up, i'd skip working out at the gym to study for an extra hour... which ended up turning into an extra hour of sleep which meant i'd need to find that extra hour somewhere else in my day. when i spent a long day at the library, i ended up staying later than usual to squeeze in that extra hour i needed to catch up on my tv shows online which required an extra nap the next day and extra time needed for studying. time time time. i can't count the number of times on this blog i've said, "i can't wait for so and so to be over so i can have free time to blog again!"only for that to never come true because i lounged around wasting time doing other things. 

i think we're always "busy". we always have things going on our lives. if i have one new years resolution, i think it's that i make my time count for more than i do. taking an hour to get dressed because i update my iPod at the same time or make myself breakfast in my tights because i can't decide what to wear is unproductive and wasteful.in the end, my bad habits caught up with me. i forgot to bring my research credit log to psychology and had to finish the final in fifteen minutes so i could run back to my dorm and finish them to turn in. i got way behind in textbook reading and went to my final more ill prepared for any test i've ever taken (i passed, however!). i'm always more diligent with my time with i focus on just one thing at a time, if i have a plan in my head for the day. to do lists are also a huge help. if you want to do something, you can always make time for it if it means enough to you that you'll make time for it. 

here we come, 2012. productivity!