That time I quit blogging for a month

The fact is, this semester has just plain sucked. I haven't been my best self. I've been self loathing. I've overindulged in my own problems. I've let a crappy professor dictate how I feel about my writing. I've complained and complained and complained without doing anything about it. I stopped blogging because I knew I was just being a turd. I knew I'd dealt with much bigger problems and yet I let dinky ones get in the way of happiness. I don't know what feeling bad for myself for a month means but when it finally all just become silly, I did something about it. And then life became better.

In two weeks, I've gotten a job as a barista, scored an internship for this spring and into next summer, started volunteering at a nursing home, and returned back to hiking and running again. The action of doing something rather than sitting at home in bed with my journal and a sweet boyfriend to complain to made all the difference. 

So, I guess I'm back. I'm back and I miss blogging and I sort of miss my old self. I'm ready to do again. Chalk it up to a winter that never ended, a professor tell me I sucked, a series of migraines and colds that didn't seem to end, stuffing as many credits as possible into a semester so I can study abroad next spring, or immaturity- but a month of doing nothing proved to be the kick in the pants I needed. 

A couple weeks ago, while I was volunteering, I wasn't anxious to make the rounds to the ward of the nursing home of older folks who aren't active or talkative. It's hard to watch people who seem to have given up, but it's harder to watch people who seem to have given up because they've reached the stage of their life where their reasons for living exist only in their past. However, as I made my way down the hallway, one gentleman sat in his wheelchair outside his room. I've met him once and he barely smiled when I introduced himself. I knew his family lived states away and he spent most of his time reading alone. This time, though, I said hi and asked if he wanted to play a board game. 

He looked at me and said, "Girlie, you don't look old enough to ask a man if he wants to play a board game." 

He followed this statement with a wink and then looked me directly in the eye. I stared in shock and then, at the same time, we both started laughing. It was the only reminder I needed. Life is too serious to take so seriously sometimes.

in which i complain about blogging a lot

Lately, I've felt kind of itchy about the whole blogging thing. I haven't found the same enjoyment from coming here to write about whatever I'm thinking about on a given day and I haven't felt like I've used it to write about what I really want to write about lately. I'm not just talking about private details of my life, either, I'm talking about the things that have annoyed me lately, which include blogging.

Blogging! Blogging. I have felt strange about blogging for some time now. Maybe because it seems like it's "over" but maybe for other reasons, too. I feel like maybe feeling out of touch with the blog world is partially my fault because I've noticed lately that the blogs I loved for years that are in my blogger feed have appealed to me less and less. One might say that I hate-read quite a few blogs. Which, let's be real, is pretty fun most of the time. But reading the same blogs day after day just to roll my eyes over has started to bring out the bad in me. It's brought out the cattier side of me that should just take my own advice. So I'll just say it: I've gotten sick of the same blogs that fill my feed. I've gotten sick of blogs that seem like they are just trying to be someone's more popular blog and mirror someone other blog's voice. There are so many more blogs now than there were 3-4 years ago and I don't think I'm the only one who thinks it's sort of overwhelming. I've gotten sick of blogs that are transparently trying so hard. I've gotten sick of people who have lost their credibility over the years of making mistakes and being hypocritical about over-sharing their personal life but not listening to criticism. 

I guess I should stop now and admit to my own faults. There have been times when I've wished my blog was more like someone else's. There have been times I've wished my life looked like someone else's life in pictures. There have been times I've tried to make my life look certain ways because gosh darn it, I wish I could look that cute in Jeffrey Campbell boots standing in an alley eating a cupcake (Jeffrey Campbell's will never be cool on me).  There was a long period of time I myself shared a lot about my relationship and while I don't regret that, I regret the way I dealt with it afterwards. Passive aggressive blog posts are not okay. Lesson learned. I am not the perfect example of someone doing it right but I think I've felt so in the dumps about blogging for the past 6 months because I have only been focusing on the negative parts of blogging. I quit reading as many blogs that relate to my life and whose writing I admire. I've felt so over-saturated by the amount of information about people's lives shared on social media that I haven't taken a step back to filter what information I should be paying attention to. Yes, most of my complaints are my own fault for letting them annoy me.

So I'm changing that. Not in the hopes that I'll feel more connected to my own blog, but in the hopes that I can hate-read less and find writing out there to be inspired by again. Because as an inspiring writer myself, I should be reading things that make me say, "This is why I want to be a writer."

Here are some blogs that have reminded me what it means to write well and have a real blogging soul:

- my friends: Katy, Debbie, and Danielle

- the queens of doing it right: Kaelah Bee and Elanor 

- the best writing: Chelsea Talks Smack, Brissa, 

- recent fashion blogs I love: zipped, triple thread, Jen, Melina, Signe, Veronika

- people who are awesome: becca, meg, emma jane, shawnee, abbey,

the entire blogger family: blogger fam

-

This is a small list. Send me your favorites! Please & thank you.

(two) little girls in a big world (salt lake city)

it started with a phone call 

with the crankiest travel agent i think delta employs. did i want a direct flight, leaving me with a seven or even twelve hour layover or did i want a multi-stop connection flight leaving me in salt lake just in time for the next flight to wyoming? hold on, i thought to myself, a layover in salt lake city? home of one of my all time favorite bloggers and one of my closest blog friends i have? i got off the phone after being frustrated to the point of tears, got online for myself, and there it was. layover in salt lake. two texts laters, a clear schedule on her part, and we had an entire morning scheduled. it felt too good to be true. in the middle of two weeks of absolute chaos and stress, it was like a little piece of salvation to rest my head on. and boy, did i need those few hours of time to let my brain defog. 

first things first

kylee picked me up from the airport at 8:00am. it hit me just as she was about to pull up to the curb while i was on the phone with her that i was about to meet someone i met through blogging for the very first time. i wasn't even nervous until that moment before i got into her car, but the second i did, it was like everything had fallen into place. first of all, she is even more adorable in person than on her blog, which i didn't think was possible. i couldn't believe it. here was the girl i was used to seeing on a computer screen RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. it was insanity. and it didn't feel like i was meeting someone for the first time or that i'd never hung out with this girl. truly, we were already friends, i'd already poured my heart out in email countless times before, and not a second of our morning was awkward. it was the exact opposite. it fit. it felt normal. in fact, i've probably never felt more normal in my life because here was this amazing person who knew me perhaps in the most "me" way possible- through my blog, writing, and emails. she took me to eggs in the city where i tried fresh strawberries on my french toast for the very first time and i also insisted on buying her breakfast because she'd picked me up after all and also because who knew when the next time an unforeseen circumstance would land me with a layover in SLC again?

i made it my goal for the morning

that if we went shopping, i'd find a polka dot pull over sweater. kylee luckily scored on two adorable tops at forever21 and although i could have spent a trillion dollars there (oh, the collars on those blouses...) i held out. h&m was another failure. so off to nordstroms we went. now, i have never really been through or shopped in a "true" nordstroms. the one i've been to has a junior's section the size of a candy store. it was here that i found not what i came looking for, but the dress that made both of our hearts stop and it was one of those items you see in a store and know you won't be walking away from.  after, we walked around temple square, took pictures, did some walking, and enjoyed the cool morning turned warm sunny afternoon.

everything about this morning

reminded me of why i blog. i started blogging to document life for myself through pictures and words, but slowly it also became about finding people with similar interests that i could relate to. hanging out with kylee was like reconnecting with an old best friend- someone who just "got" me and all the weird things i'm obsessed with. i mean, who can talk about blogging and gossip about bloggers for twenty minutes straight? our coordinating outfits weren't planned and i think it kind of made our day to be complimented in every store we went into- two fashion bloggers shopping together. no subject off limits, hanging out like it really wasn't actually a big deal because it felt so natural when in reality this was the greatest thing to happen in my blogging experience yet. i can now call this gorgeous, sweet, too nice for words girl a best friend. she is everything her blog is and maybe that's what struck me most. you don't think someone can be as perfect as they seem on their blog, but truly, kylee is all that and more. this is a day i'll never forget. i'm still pinching myself. also, still can't get over her perfect boots and mint tights. 

dress: Ruche // cardigan & sandals: Urban Outfitters

Let's talk about something...

I can't lie and say that in the weeks following our break-up, I started to wonder how exactly I was going to keep up my blogging momentum without a photographer boyfriend. I wasn't panicking nor was I self centered enough to be concerned about the demise of my blog as I knew it; it was more that I curious as to exactly how I was going to make it work. Well, three months later, boy did it work and dare I might say...better? That's not to harp on his photography (which is beautiful), but I always did feel a little bit guilty stealing time on our "dates" to "pretty please come take pictures of me for my blog". In retrospect, it doesn't seem like taking ten minutes out of a date would be of any nuisance (and maybe I'm wrong and Niklaas never felt any strain on our time together because I asked if he would take pictures for me) but for me, it definitely started to impact what we did together and I'm ashamed to admit that. If I ever date someone who is a photographer again, I probably won't ask them to take pictures for me unless it's a very infrequent occurrence because who wants to date a girl who wants to go to dinner only at a selected location that's close to a wall she really likes to take pictures in front of?

So how did I make it work? Naturally after a break-up, suddenly I had more time and in that time, I busied myself with my friends (and spent more time with them than I did before, sadly) and with new hobbies. I have found that it has become so much easier to not have to rely on someone to always take my pictures but to instead make it work as it fits. I usually don't plan out shoots anymore nor do I really think about what I'm wearing before I go out. These days, I tend to get dressed as I normally would and if there's a pause in my evening I either beg my sister while we're on an errand to pull over to snap a few pictures or call a friend right then and there to go out with me somewhat spontaneously (and most are willing because they're awesome people). What's crazy is how well this is actually working out and how I'm posting more regularly than ever before. I tend to shift from my sister to either one of my friends; Margaret, Julianne, and Omni. I'm not really sure how to explain the difference between calling a friend to take my pictures and taking time out of our hang out session to and asking Niklaas to do it and taking time out of our date, but I think it largely has to do with the frequency in which one person does it.

As I move into the school year, I've invested in a better tripod and I'm hoping that I can still steal some of my friends between their school work to snap pictures. But if not, I've learned in this process how to go with the flow and I'm actually more proud of my blog and the work I have put into it than I was before because it's 100% my responsibility now.

i admit

1. I don't really know what kind of blogger I am. My outfit posts range from being very regular to scarce. I sometimes "write", whatever that means. I talk about my family. I talk about college. I talk about Niklaas. Sometimes I think I need to focus on one or two things, or focus on just one area which makes me wonder why people actually read my blog. Then again, I blog for me, more than anything. I like all of you lovely people and I'm so excited about how involved you all have been in the proces, but I do post what I want to post on a given day and maybe what I want is for my blog to be more concise for my own preferences and for my readers, too. 

2. I don't blog for my readers, but I do hope that I seem 'honest'. I'm not trying to act like I have this fabulous life that's 'worth blogging about'. Evvvvver!

3. I would blog the same way if I had zero readers or 5,000. Which is why I grow sincerely disappointed in bloggers that become a poster child for one brand. That's not to say that I don't wear clothes of that brand. In fact, I do! But an outfit post loses inspiration points when you're just wearing a 'c/o' dress in every post. I'd take Goodwill clothes mixed and matched together over that any day. I feel like speaking up against that kind of blogging can have some serious backlash, and I'm really not judging them for their choices, but I've found that their blogs lose a little bit of the 'awe' that drew me to their blog in the first place in that way. I want to read blogs that I can relate to. A 19 year old college student who doesn't have a salary nor dispensable money to throw on new clothes so that I don't repeat anything at all on my blog. Even if I wasn't 19, I feel like a majority of us 'personal style' readers don't have the kind of money to do that and we like seeing repeated items on their blogs. 

4. I once received word that a person who knows me in real life was disappointed in how often I talked about my relationship on this blog. I let that soak in. I thought about it a lot and why that seemed to be the case. I could only come up with two reasons. One, that he takes almost all of my 'outfit posts' for me and I usually end up talking about whatever we were doing before/during/after we took pictures. Two, that being nineteen, I'm continually learning about what the word 'relationship' means. I figure that out through writing. It's never the same at any moment and that is fascinating to me. I'm always trying to figure out 'right now'. I think my blog is also where my miscellaneous/random thoughts get stored and isn't always an accurate portrayal of what my day/life actually looks like. I would probably think the same thing if I didn't know me and know that he isn't my whole life (so far from the truth). When it comes down to it, he is my boyfriend, but he's my best friend too and a lot of my favorite memories consist of our adventures that would be the same if they'd been shared with my other friends as well. I am sorry if it's disappointing, but it is a blog and just a blog, not my life. I actually do wish I posted more pictures of my roommates and our many adventures but I have found that I really don't take that many pictures! My roommates do but those all go on facebook. 

5. I don't take myself seriously, at all. I'm really just me. But regardless of all the 'blah' up there, gaining new readers terrifies me with the responsibility of remaining me and churning out the same quality of content that has kept you here. I do blog for me and that won't change as I blah-ed a whole lot about up above but I can't ignore all of your support and that means a lot to me. I love talking to all of you and I love answering your emails/tweets! I love the friends I've made here.

6. I'm not trying to say 500 readers is a big deal, either.

7. I have a long list of guilty pleasures but I don't really feel guilty about them. 

8. I look back at some outfit posts and want to die. And then delete them, in that order. I'm still trying to figure out what 'my style' is and I still have a lot of learning to do as far as deciding what's flattering for me. More often than not, 'fun' is placed before 'flattering' but I like the freedom that being 19 offers in that regard! 

9. And... I admit that this post came about after I discovered (late, of course) of a website devoted to content on the internet in which forums allow people to discuss blogs. There was nothing about me there but reading the criticism other blogs received really made me think about my blog. Every single one of us probably has something that can be torn apart and I put myself in the snarky commenters shoes to decide what that was about my blog. It was actually very enlightening and I enjoyed that push. However, what I wish some people knew was that these blogs are just blogs. Disliking a blog or a person is fine! I'm all for it! There are some that I dislike! However, reading the comments made me wonder if there was anything a blogger could really do totally 'right' because everything could be construed as wrong. Reading the comments left for bloggers I know and love, I couldn't help but wish that I could tell them that while they did have some very valid and helpful points, how far are we willing to let the content of a blog pull on us? Will nagging on one blogger really change anything or make you feel better? I'm disappointed in where some blogs have gone but that's kind of just the way it is, no way around it. I'll never know if they are actually the way they seem on their blog, but that can't be prevented unless I met every single blogger. I'm happy to be here, to be inspired and maybe even to inspire others, but that's the extent of it all. Truly.