Saturday, February 1

my wretched self

This week was pretty crappy.

I let the wretched parts of myself dictate my mood and how I reacted to things that were happening.

I debated dropping my creative writing non-fiction class because I thought after the first class it sounded "dumb". I am a lot of things but being a coward is not one of them. This creative writing class is going to force me in directions I've never considered let alone attempted. I am going to have to produce a 'manuscript' by the end of the semester that our professor says he wants us to write with the intention of someday pursing getting published. Maybe I was just intimidated. Maybe I thought he was bonkers. It's possible I thought for a second I knew better than my professor and felt falsely arrogant.

I also yelled at my boyfriend; mark that as a first. It was stupid and happened due to the result of a misunderstanding that I jumped on in a moment of my feeling insecure. Oops. Thankfully, the next day we talked it out and I realized how awesome it was that as silly as a fight that it was, it's sort of a blessing to be a little bit messy. It's healthy. I am not perfect. I've never fought with a boyfriend and in the heat of the moment, I never for a second thought it was going to lead to a break up or make him hate me. It showed me that in a good relationship, disagreements do happen and I don't have to be so afraid of messing up. We're human. Mishaps happen! And it's beautiful.

I let myself become all consumed by the negative things happening to everyone else, too. Which isn't to say that I shouldn't have empathy for the people in my life because a good friend absolutely should. But I let the problems people in my life were experiencing leak into other faucets of my own, too. I took out frustrations other people were going through onto other friends and family.

These are things that I didn't want to write about during the week on my blog because I don't want to be a complainer. That's part of why this week sucked. Usually I'm a wizard at looking at the bright side and choosing to be positive. I hate complainers. I found myself complaining and coming back to the same frustrations over and over again. I was less than myself. But maybe that's what my problem was, too. I was trying to shut out all negative things I was feeling when maybe I should have just come to terms with them instead of trying to force rainbows and sunshine. Maybe I shouldn't demean my emotions so forcefully. Once I stepped back and gained some perspective, I understood the motives behind my actions and there was some justification to them despite the petty ways that I reacted.

I am going to vow to listen to myself a little bit better instead of shrugging things off. I am going to vow to let myself be messier. I am going to vow to let myself feel what I feel, good or bad, because you can't move past something until you address it. DSC_0665

1 comment:

Emma Jane said...

Good job, love. Good job at pushing through the wretchedness instead of wallowing in it. And also good job for letting yourself wallow for a minute.

About your fiction class. I do the same thing with my writing allll the time in classes. I put myself above everyone and that makes me pompous. Weirdly, when I get that way I doubt myself more. Probably because it's easier to fall when you are that high up.

You're great. You're strong. You're beautiful.

Tightrope to the Sun