Thursday, September 22

A Thong Story

8:45am. Sara Barielles cooing softly into my ear, which 43 seconds later turns into a screeching triumphant tumble out of bed. Remove my Gap polka dot melon shorts. Drop the drawers. Reach into my plastic drawers purchased for $7.99 at Target to find just one clean pair of skivvies left as a result or prolonged procrastination to do my laundry which turns out to be the last of my newly purchased bundle o' undies from Aerie. Eyes closed, pull them up, and reach for the nearest pair of athletic bottoms. Find yoga pants (yes!), throw on sweatshirt, lazily shove my feet into my adidas running shoes, run my fingers through my hair, wipe off mascara with make-up remover (who actually removes their mascara before bed?) (okay...everyone) and run (walk) out the door (like I care about getting to Cell&Molecular Biology on time).
Underwears
Once the bitter 33 degree air hits my face, I'm almost instantly awake. Is it possible to get some mechanical device that blows 33 degree air into my face at 8:45 in the morning? I'm walking. Walking, walking, walking... hold on! Something feels weird. Oh, pesky wedgie. Look around me and find only one person in sight. Pretend to twist my arm behind me to feel for something in the side pocket of my backpack to untwist said wedgie. But...the dang sucker won't let go of my chops. Less obviously pull and tug. And then it hits me...

I'm wearing a THONG (sorry for you TMI cringers). A thong. A foreign entity to me and to my bum. And not only is it creeping up there, but with every step, it's letting everything go every which way it wants and I can't help but turn around to check if anyone can notice that there is only a single layer covering my rump. I hit myself for not taking the extra seven point four seconds to check my American Eagle shopping bag online to check that I checked every box I meant to check.

Class ends fifty five minutes later (in which I wish that for once, I'd slept through Sara darling's voice) and I continue to tug-a-lug all the way to the gym. Spot Niklaas near the Liberal Arts building. Half run, half skip up to him and the first thing I say is, "I'm wearing a THONG!" and ignore the fact that the population density at ten in the morning on campus is greater than any square mile in Japan. His eyebrows raise and of course, no male could ever understand what this exactly entails (a perpetual pain in the rear flossing job). His empathy is lost on me and I continue my way to the gym.

Once at the gym, I realize what this means. Working out. In tight yoga pants that aren't forgiving in their slightest and especially unforgiving on the elliptical. Couldn't help but notice the men's fitness class all using the weights directly behind my elliptical. Try to pretend I'm not aware of them and turn up the volume on my iPod to drown out their huff and puffs all elliptical ride long.

Come home. Promptly throw uncomfortable morning ruining thong in trash. I mean no offense to those who love the things. In fact, I applaud you. A whole lot. But, clearly, they will never be for me. Underwear lines? Not a care in the world about them.

19 comments:

Bonnie said...

ohmygosh, iloveyousomuch.
I wear thongs a lot, so I understand the feeling of discomfort, but the good news is that the more you wear them, the more numb your buttcrack gets to the feeling.
Wait ... is that a good thing?

http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
Twitter: @GlamKitten88

Kallie, Happy Honey and Lark said...

I can't believe you didn't notice! You'll look back on this post and laugh someday. I'm sorry you had a crap morning though.

FromGemWithLove said...

This amde me giggle, so thank you x

SomeoneLikeYou said...

This absolutely made my day 100% better :D

Amelia said...

hahha you are hilarious :) working out in thongs is the absolute worst!!

Natalie said...

Well... let's just say I will NOT be wearing a thong any time soon... hahaha. No thank you.

Abbey said...

hahahaha i looove this!

Jasmine, Transient Withdrawal said...

Loooooooool. I have thongs but don't wear them. Ever. They're so uncomfy. I don't understand why anyone would ever wear them (unless it's because you don't want to panty lines to show on a certain skirt/dress? but then they have underwear for those occasions too)...? I love you<3

April, Everyday Forgotten said...

Haha, that sounds like something I would do! I can't stand them - even just the sight of them makes me shudder! I honestly do not understand why someone would want to put themselves through that much uncomfortableness! :/ But yea, this post made my day! :)

Steffys Pros and Cons said...

hehe youre too silly!!! your blog always makes me smile:)

<3 steffy
http://steffysprosandcons.blogspot.com

Maria- CityLaundry said...

i could not agree with you more!
those things are so annoying i don't mind the panty line either! haha

Margaret said...

I broke down laughing at the "I'm wearing a THONG!" part...thank you for making my crappy day so much better :). I have never worn a thong nor do I plan to...they seem so unsanitary and uncomfortable...unnecessary wedgies :/

Bethany Kellen of bunnypicnic said...

oh man. thongs. i have some, but i also don't like to use them. especially not work out in them.

hellolyndsey said...

i have worn a thong maybe once. and i wore it to school of all places!! the worst part is, i went to the bathroom at lunch time, took them off and stuffed them in my purse and went commando all day. it was EXTREMELY awkward wearing jeans without underwear at all.
the thing is, i don't think i'll ever be able to wear them? my butt is like an eggplant/oval shape so there don't fit right or make my butt cheeks look like hanging hams. hahaha

xx
lyndsey of hellolyndsey

xx
lyndsey of hellolyndsey

Alex said...

this story is probably THE best thing eveeeeeer! So funny! I've never worn a thong in my life and now this just shows me why I probably shouldn't even start! :)

Celynne said...

Haha, I guess they're just not for everyone. Thongs are all I wear, because regular underwear actually feel really odd and uncomfortable to me. Funny eh?

Bad Taste Toast said...

Haha, aweosme! I LOVE this post, this is totally my opinion about thongs!! :D

Sophie Loloi said...

LOVE your t-shirt , so cute! Also loving your blog girl

xx

http://theparallelmagazine.blogspot.com/

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