Sunday, September 30

i made a photography page!

if you think i'm kind of cool or just think my photography is alright, please
like my facebook page here
no, seriously, it would probably make my day.

Friday, September 28


my life for the past three days have consisted of 3:45am alarms, airports each day, a lot of family and hugging and crying, and to keep me sane, a venti nonfat pumpkin spice latte. seriously, i never would have made it without my starbucks coffee at the airport every day. idaho, wyoming, utah, and montana all in three days. strangely, though, as exhausted as i am and despite my 9pm bedtime, it hasn't been too difficult to wake up. something tells me it's because i'm just so excited each day to be reunited with my family when it feels like that's the best dose of medicine for the heart.

these three days have made me appreciate the little things even more. they've also pushed me into consciously thinking each day about what i'm going to remember that day or what made today "worth it" like i preached about in my previous post. i jotted them down in my little notebook for my writing class and it was actually kind of spectacular to look back and read them. i might have to consider keeping this pattern up.

little things
-my grandma's face lighting up as i stepped off of the tarmac and into the terminal. something about knowing that it was my personal choice to make the trip alone to wyoming to be with her and knowing it was my doing that could bring her that joy humbled me deeply.
-eating (and loving) fresh strawberries for the first time.
-texts from my mom goodnight with an "i love you".
-being complimented by a stranger.
-staying up until midnight talking about everything and saying things that were long since over due.
-leaping into my sister's bed this morning when i arrived.
-coffee, always the coffee.
-five minutes alone in the car with each of my parents.
-crunchy leaves, sunny day, sweater, and a slight breeze.
-some serious retail therapy in two days by means of a purse on sale, perfect dress, and the most amazing floral tights.
-being mom's stylist for the day.
-painting my nails with grandma.
-the deletion of a 'friend' on facebook. it was coming, y'all.
-taylor swift's new song AND mumford and son's new album.
-wonderful flight attendants who bring you free refills on apple juice.

maybe it's dumb that these little things give such meaning to my day, but they make me happy in the moment. i guess i'm all about that these days.

Thursday, September 27

(two) little girls in a big world (salt lake city)

it started with a phone call 
with the crankiest travel agent i think delta employs. did i want a direct flight, leaving me with a seven or even twelve hour layover or did i want a multi-stop connection flight leaving me in salt lake just in time for the next flight to wyoming? hold on, i thought to myself, a layover in salt lake city? home of one of my all time favorite bloggers and one of my closest blog friends i have? i got off the phone after being frustrated to the point of tears, got online for myself, and there it was. layover in salt lake. two texts laters, a clear schedule on her part, and we had an entire morning scheduled. it felt too good to be true. in the middle of two weeks of absolute chaos and stress, it was like a little piece of salvation to rest my head on. and boy, did i need those few hours of time to let my brain defog. 
first things first
kylee picked me up from the airport at 8:00am. it hit me just as she was about to pull up to the curb while i was on the phone with her that i was about to meet someone i met through blogging for the very first time. i wasn't even nervous until that moment before i got into her car, but the second i did, it was like everything had fallen into place. first of all, she is even more adorable in person than on her blog, which i didn't think was possible. i couldn't believe it. here was the girl i was used to seeing on a computer screen RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES. it was insanity. and it didn't feel like i was meeting someone for the first time or that i'd never hung out with this girl. truly, we were already friends, i'd already poured my heart out in email countless times before, and not a second of our morning was awkward. it was the exact opposite. it fit. it felt normal. in fact, i've probably never felt more normal in my life because here was this amazing person who knew me perhaps in the most "me" way possible- through my blog, writing, and emails. she took me to eggs in the city where i tried fresh strawberries on my french toast for the very first time and i also insisted on buying her breakfast because she'd picked me up after all and also because who knew when the next time an unforeseen circumstance would land me with a layover in SLC again?
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i made it my goal for the morning
that if we went shopping, i'd find a polka dot pull over sweater. kylee luckily scored on two adorable tops at forever21 and although i could have spent a trillion dollars there (oh, the collars on those blouses...) i held out. h&m was another failure. so off to nordstroms we went. now, i have never really been through or shopped in a "true" nordstroms. the one i've been to has a junior's section the size of a candy store. it was here that i found not what i came looking for, but the dress that made both of our hearts stop and it was one of those items you see in a store and know you won't be walking away from.  after, we walked around temple square, took pictures, did some walking, and enjoyed the cool morning turned warm sunny afternoon.
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everything about this morning
reminded me of why i blog. i started blogging to document life for myself through pictures and words, but slowly it also became about finding people with similar interests that i could relate to. hanging out with kylee was like reconnecting with an old best friend- someone who just "got" me and all the weird things i'm obsessed with. i mean, who can talk about blogging and gossip about bloggers for twenty minutes straight? our coordinating outfits weren't planned and i think it kind of made our day to be complimented in every store we went into- two fashion bloggers shopping together. no subject off limits, hanging out like it really wasn't actually a big deal because it felt so natural when in reality this was the greatest thing to happen in my blogging experience yet. i can now call this gorgeous, sweet, too nice for words girl a best friend. she is everything her blog is and maybe that's what struck me most. you don't think someone can be as perfect as they seem on their blog, but truly, kylee is all that and more. this is a day i'll never forget. i'm still pinching myself. also, still can't get over her perfect boots and mint tights. 

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dress: Ruche // cardigan & sandals: Urban Outfitters

Wednesday, September 26

happy birthday, baby

thank you for letting me take your senior pictures.
thank you for being funnier than i am and always reminding me that i'm kind of the least cool older sister in the world.
thank you for letting me trick you when you were little into thinking ridiculous things like God flushed me down the toilet when you were born because mom and dad didn't need me anymore.
thank you for being so tough always.
thank you for being really weird. and liking the weirdest movies. weird is so good.
thank you for having the most entertaining tweets around.
thank you for watching television shows with me constantly.
thank you for being my side-kick, best friend, always honest (brutally so) sister. sorry to break it to you, but you're kind of stuck with me for life and i promise you, i'll always be this annoying.

Tuesday, September 25

coming clean

i think a majority of my life has been shaped around two things: the death of two cherished and loved family members. i've kept quiet about things happening in my life that aren't so sunny lately out of respect for my family and those people who it has most affected, but i feel like it is now appropriate to open up about a subject i'm ready to talk about.

the first time it happened, it was only days after my eleventh birthday that i lost one of my favorite people in the world. that summer, my grandma had bought me a shirt with an '11' on it and my grandpa was the one to point out that it was also how old i was turning and therefore, it was my birthday shirt. i wore it proudly and remember feeling like it was also "our" shirt, too. losing him was something unbearable and something that breaks my heart today because there are still moments i wish i could call him to tell him that i got yet another good grade on my test or to hear about his latest fishing trip. and worse, i know that it is so much worse for my dad and my grandma. he wasn't one for words, but the quarters he sent me after a good report card and the memories i have of him buying me capri suns, taking us on 4wheel trips through the Wyoming desert, and fishing in the creeks of the Wind Rivers are some of my best. they are quite literally the things i remember from my childhood and in a way it felt like my childhood was taken away when he passed away. it woke me up to the harsh reality that the unexpected happens and at eleven, it was a crude lesson to learn. quite terribly, i realized that nothing was really ever guaranteed. i stayed up late at night afraid that my parents wouldn't come home from work the next evening in their commute. i was always afraid of it happening again. and after, i always vowed afterwards to live up to his expectations and live for the moment and in the moment.

the second time i was sixteen and this one was difficult in an entirely different way. i hate to say one was worse than the other, but somehow this time it felt more tragic because losing a grandparent who has lived long enough to live a full life is so different than a child who had barely begun his beautiful life. an eight year old. my cousin. and the week we spent in nevada with his family was perhaps the hardest i've lived because never before had i witnessed such raw pain. i miss that little boy so dearly, but what makes me more sad is the life he can't live with his sisters and parents anymore.

as you might remember, my aunt has been battling cancer for the latter year and a half. on monday evening, she passed away. but not before she was able to wake up miraculously on my mom's birthday after not being lucid for weeks and quite literally spring out of her death bed to celebrate her birthday with her. cancer is a lot of the things you hear about, valiant and strong, but it's also just so ugly. there were times when i think we all silently wished it would just end already but who wants to be the first to admit that? there were times when seeing my mom and family endure such pain was beyond anything i knew how to process. i didn't talk about it because i didn't know how. i didn't know what to do because in most cases, there wasn't anything to do but watch in agony as those closest to me went through the worst things someone can.

i finally realized why i wasn't talking about it both publicly and to my own close friends aside from respecting those directly associated with it. and i realized i wasn't talking because i didn't feel like it was my pain to have; it's always felt like their thing, their suffering, and therefore i didn't have any justification to feeling anything i did whether it was sadness, shock, or confusion.

i'm not writing this today because i want to be felt sorry for. i'm writing this because if there's anything i've learned from watching so many amazing and wonderful people pass away between family members and several remarkable people in my own community i was close to, it's that life really isn't something to just let go by. i've tried lately to make every single day count for something and to do something every day that means something to me, whether it be the big or little choices. in a lot of ways, it seems silly i ever second guessed taking an alternative route to my college degree because i knew it wasn't going to make me happy. if it isn't going to make you happy, stop. if someone is bringing you down, walk away. if there's something you can do this second to make you a happier person, just do it. work towards something every day. get that flippin 20oz coffee at starbucks even if it's 600 calories because it'll make your day better. read a terrible magazine you secretly love. study your butt off for an exam because it'll be worth it to ace it. do something you're truly passionate about if even for fifteen minutes a day. make something matter every day.

i never ever want to grow hard to the things that just plain suck in life, like death or bad days or just bad anything. i hope i'm always this sensitive and i hope i always feel everything that happens this deeply, because boy do i ever. opening yourself up to what hurts is half the battle and even though it hurts, i'd rather feel something than not.

i'm tired of letting things hold me back, whether it be the past or silly excuses i make not to get done the things i want to. i've been told that if something means a great deal to you, you'll make the time for it. if there's anything you can do today to make me smile while i'm struggling to hold my head high it's to just go do one thing today you might not have done otherwise because it'll make you happy. and tell me about it. i want to know what you did. order a cheeseburger, go on a run, call someone and tell them something you should have said a long time ago, skip homework to watch the new newgirl, write in your journal, or anything that means something to you. that'll make me feel better than anything i do for myself today, i promise you that.

my own best friend

a friend of mine called me up last week
and was like, MAGGIE, you wanna go to the mall with me? which is a totally normal question to ask me and even one that usually elicits a YES OF COURSE I WANT TO GO TO THE MALL WITH YOU like a golden retriever. i really do live up to the '#1 most popular name for dogs' hype. anyways, i thought for a second and reflected on my more recent shopping experiences and i nicely turned her down. 

and then because it's somewhat embarrassing to admit to your stylish friend with good taste that you secretly wanted to go to old navy and ross, i went alone. and then i went to american eagle. and then even into victora's secret.

now, don't get me wrong. i'm not downing the shopping with a friend experience. what i'm saying is that shopping alone is an entirely new and extraordinary experience because you can pick up that distressed chambray shirt dress that you see a butt load of potential in without a disapproving "eh" from your gal that might make you choose not to buy it and then wear it to school a few days later and be complimented on it when you might otherwise be ridiculed at the store. plus, isn't it awful when you're shopping with a friend and you're in different sections of the store and your friend happens to get the good section before you do and buys something amazing because you didn't see it first? (though, then you can usually borrow said item...)

maybe i just really like hanging out alone these days. which has nothing to do with being single (*cough cough* sophie *cough* *cough*) and entirely to do with independence. and just hanging out with myself. and doing every gosh darn thing i want to do because i want to do it and not caring about what someone else wants to do. or maybe it is because i just really have a thing for liking ugly clothes that no one else likes. the jury is out.

Saturday, September 22


(4) days until my darling baby sister turns 18. oh wait, does that mean she's not a baby anymore? that also means... PRESENT SHOPPING TIME. which is my favorite thing to do. i spoil her rotten.
(28) days until one of my good friends visits me here at school and tears up the town together while i shamelessly try to shove all college town spirit i have down her throat. thrifting, haircuts, pictures, river walks, target, downtown coffee shops... it's all in the works.
(31) days until taylor swift's new album comes out. i need this album in my hands more than anything.
(40) days until my favorite holiday ever.
(42) days until i go to seattle and meet the delightful elanor in my first blog meet-up ever.

*this post idea comes from kylee who has the greatest lifestyle blog around. seriously, go girl crush up on that girl.

Friday, September 21

confession friday

i may or may not have started getting coffee  at the same time every morning because a) yes, i love coffee b) the cute barista who i friended on facebook last spring after seeing him at a social gathering still works there and he's still cute. most expensive maneuver to get someone's phone number... ever? (but i always order the day's "special" and he usually gives me a discount, so there is that.)

i have a knack of knowing when i'm about to get my womanly monthly woes because all of the sudden i can't stop eating and i'm crying over ridiculously small things. so this week, when i started to well up when i missed my bus, i went to albertson's and made sure i had lean cuisine pizzas in my freezer by day's end. if you're going to crave junk food... make sure it's of the lean brand?

i might have driven to my mailbox every day this week. i know, i know...

my facebook detox lasted 4 months straight... and i'm back. although, now that i took 4 months off, i find that i check it maybe once a day and i am never on for more than ten minutes. it's really just as boring as it was when i left? that being said, my tumblr/twitter/pinterest addiction is off the radar. i like you people more than people in real life?

i'm a month and a half away from my very first blogger meet-up EVER and i could pee my pants with excitement. but telling my friends in real life about my friends on the internet is never going to be less weird and i've accepted that. also, saying, "i'm friends with them on facebook!" doesn't convince them it's any less strange, either.

i definitely didn't shower for two and a half days this week. a soccer game happened on one of those days even.

i bought a chevron printed top and it's my new favorite thing ever. and i'm a little excited for when i wear it and i match my blog layout?

i thought i could swear off hipsters. not going to happen. there are too many hipsters in missoula. i mean, really. it's a lost cause. i have a type, so what? it's time to accept the 'why' behind i was swearing them off and realize truly, it's not the type, it's a few distinct qualities to be written off. well dressed boys, you're back in business.

but most of all...
i have been the worst lately about returning comments and questions.
generally i like to return every single comment and visit your blogs because you
all are some of my favorite people out there. it's not even that i don't have the time
(well, except this week) but that i haven't been making the time for it.
because you are all being maybe nicer than ever before and
i really miss blog hopping/commenting. you are all so much funnier and
more awesome than me. it's lonely living in my own blog bubble.

Thursday, September 20

to the truest kind of love

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i've never felt "true" love
but i can say that i've seen it before my eyes in the relationship my great grandparents shared. true love, demonstrated by a marriage that withstood nearly 70 years, means loving someone when they don't know who you are in the morning.  it means nailing doors and windows shut so that the person you love won't escape at night when they forget who the person in bed next to them is. it means taking care of someone before yourself, putting their every need first before yours. it means even if the person by your side isn't themselves, they're the person you have loved for years and years and even if they're confused most of the time, you're there to silently love and support them. they may not be able to reciprocate that love anymore or be able to appreciate everything you're doing to keep them safe, but you do it. it means visiting them in the nursing home every single day because even if you wanted to keep fighting to keep your love with you at home, it was time to put their care into someone else's hands. 

i've heard that real love shows itself in actions rather than just words and i think if my grandparents are anyone to learn from, they certainly did a good job of showing their love wordlessly. 

the past couple of months have been especially difficult for our family and it astounds me more and more every day to see how much relationships can withstand and accomplish. love really is capable of conquering all which is how i know that i have barely scratched the surface of what it means in my experiences and the best is undoubtedly yet to come. lately, i've watched in admiration how my parents get through what they do by being together side by side and it's a beautiful thing to see. it may not always be perfect, but if i've learned anything it's that truly, love is a myriad of actions strung together and unconditional support. 

i got the call that my great grandmother passed away at 91 years old today. we knew it was coming and we all know it was her time because she wasn't really "living" anymore even if she was there physically. i never realized how unique it was to have four living great grandparents but i feel lucky that in a way, i felt like i had multiple sets of grandparents i got to learn from and form relationships with. to you, grandma, and to the years of memories i have of you and the lives you left your mark on, rest in peace.

Wednesday, September 19

all i have to say about right now is

i should be watching the head and the heart at one of the coolest venues
to watch a concert... ever.
instead i'm here?
also, i'm just as disappointed with this lack luster blah post. after tomorrow night,
life will be unpaused and i'll have freedom once more.
also, you know how you convince yourself that college is really awesome
and oh my gosh it's not that hard is it? but then you have midterms week
and suddenly you haven't showered for two days and have been home only
to sleep. and you realize, oh yeah.

Monday, September 17

monday hit us hard

driving to school. singing along to the radio. all of the sudden, a girl who has the stop ISN'T, in fact, stopping, at a two way stop. slam on the breaks, no dice. she hits us going 30mph. t-boned. huge dent in the side of poor jenny's car. police called. psychology test wasn't able to be taken. sore necks and sore shoulders. thankfully seatbelts were worn. no injuries. just a weird day of being able to say, "I was in a car accident this morning," and the aftershock of the entire thing. 

the best part? even though i slammed against my window at full force, i managed to salvage the coffee in my hand. and then i was able to sip it nervously while we waited for the police and it was that coffee that saved me from an emotional break down in the middle of the street because holy crap, i had a test in 45 minutes.

in light of things, at least we get to ride around in a rental car and it was entirely the other driver's fault, so the bill is on her.

Sunday, September 16

september told by instagram


one i took myself on a little date to target all by myself the other day because i needed ink and for days i have been printing everything in the darkest shade of blue i could. i ended up buying polka dot pants and drinking my first pumpkin spice latte of the season and i've decided solitary dates to target/the grocery store are my favorite.

two i got my bangs trimmed... by myself, a pair of scissors, and a youtube tutorial? it worked. you know how you get to the point where you just can't stand another second of your too-long bangs and even though you have somewhere to be in a manner of minutes you HAVE to do something about it. so i did? and it worked well.

three my bedroom is nearly finished and nearly ready for pictures to be taken and posted. the thing about buying everything used is that it takes a lot of time and patience (oh, and in case you were wondering, no my pillows weren't used!).

four my online physics homework last thursday took me five hours. pizza was bought (frozen) and physics has never tasted so good.

five a sick roommate meant an entire weekend in. we made red velvet cupcakes and i made her pancakes in the morning and generally we just did a lot of resting and nothing all weekend and then i used our weekend as inspiration for my writing assignment.

six my sister is old and so pretty these days and i can't get over how all of the sudden SHE JUST LOOKS LIKE AN 18 YEAR OLD.

seven our apartment has a little movie theatre complete with movie theatre chairs that are too comfortable for words and free popcorn and it's just awesome. yeah, you bet we're taking advantage of every amenity our complex provides...

eight FALL are you here yet? because i've bought sweaters and prepared for your arrival and i'm just ready to bask in you all day long.

nine a couple of weeks ago i tried a turkey basil sandwich with provolone cheese. i'm the pickiest eater in the entire world and i don't think you all understand what a big day this was. the menu even had homemade mac & cheese and a delicious sounding grilled cheese but i chose an adult order. also, i died. and it was the best thing my mouth has ever had in it (hey now, let's not be gross...)!

Saturday, September 15

my fall wish list + fall inspiration

i don't normally make wish-lists, but when i do, i mean serious business. it means i actually took the time to look through my closet and decide what i definitely don't need (where most of my money ends up going...) and what i actually need (where most of my money should be going..). making a tidy list keeps me focused while i'm at target or online shopping and helps me to scour deals and sales as well.
red hunter wellington boots (this is a stretch because i already have a pair of perfect wellies however, last fall/spring, i ended up wearing them almost five days a week. they're durable and made to withstand many seasons, but because i'm getting so much use out of them i'm thinking i want to double up to prolong their life even further and give them a rest. i can't tell you how much use i get out of these babies. if you ever want to buy a solid pair of boots, i swear by Hunter's, even if they're a crapload of dough!)
polka dot pullover sweater (for layering and staying cozy. i've been looking for a cheaper and more affordable one.)
- infinity scarves here  here and here (infinity scarves get me through montana winters and chilly mornings.)
neutral pleated skirt (because every single one of my skirts are BRIGHTLY colored. do i even own neutrals? no. and it's time i do.)
- fall colored denim  in burgundy and mustard (because i am obsessed with my colored denim collection and i can't get over how versatile they are!)
- boyfriend fit neutral shirt (I HAVEN’T FOUND ONE yet but I so badly just want a light, NOT distressed, long sleeved simple chambray top. if you know where to look, please inform a desperately seeking neutral buyer.)
all of these outfits have me goo goo eyes for fall and cold days and blankets and cocoa. i know fall is a pretty cliche season in the bloggin' world and personally, i have to admit i'm more partial to winter, but i can't deny that i do love the colors and i'm more than a little tired of wearing summer clothes. i'm ready to pull out my tights collection already!

Friday, September 14

things i'm learning lately

  • i can finish a gallon of milk (skim!) in less than a week. 
  • and i go through about one and a quarter toilet paper rolls a week?
  • i'm a non-fiction writer, not a fiction writer. this is crazy and very surprising to a girl who has a hard time not exaggerating the details sometimes.
  • i have an addiction to buying furniture on craigslist. but only nice furniture at a good deal. and i'm actually really good at finding good cheap furniture?
  • i like socializing on weekends, but weekdays are just mine. 
  • i'm actually, maybe, really good at making myself happy and being alone.
  • i'm definitely a go to bed early/wake up early person. this 6:30am wake-up call has kicked butt the past three weeks and with only my schedule to accommodate for, a book before bed and lights out by 10:30pm is the dreamiest thing ever. 
  • i'm cheap. like, i buy store brand everything. even grated cheese and butter and milk. all albertson's brand. like, only the things worth spending extra money on will i splurge. like nail polish. speaking of which...
  • my nail polish addiction is out of hand.
  • deciding to approach school differently this semester and take some new and different classes was the best thing i could have done for myself. i'm incredibly happy in my classes and love paying attention in them. 
  • morning coffee is always a must. a must must must. nothing can happen until i've had my morning mug.
  • grocery shopping is a blast and i've tried more food in the past couple of weeks than i've tried in my life.
  • lazy days alone are my favorite.
  • sometimes, i just need to have a little more confidence in my abilities and just rock it without second guessing myself. 
  • i'm the happiest i've ever been.
sitting in the car with one of my best friends the other day, we started talking about what being "20" was like and having both gotten out of relationships in the past six months, the differences in being single now at 20 rather than when we were both 16. truly, it is so different. i've come to realize that i really don't know myself as well as i thought i did because the last time i had this much time for myself i was 16. it may sound like i'm stressing 'singlehood' these days but it's only because it's been exciting and incredibly interesting. the difference between being single and a relationship to me, truly, has just been all of this alone time i didn't have in such quantities before. and i love it. i'm becoming my own best friend and learning and growing in ways i didn't expect.

Wednesday, September 12

chasing trains like crazies out of our minds

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sooo i'm taking portraits of a friend
who asked me to take portraits of her so that she could have it framed for some honors society plaque her face and name will be on because she's awesome and cool and really smart. we're on the train tracks where i've taken pictures five thousand times and is probably one of my favorite locations in missoula to date for taking pictures when suddenly i hear a voice behind me. mind you, this is a very public area, sidewalks galore, streets, houses all around yada yada. i turn and see a little old man running out of his car and he's yelling, "if you don't leave RIGHT now, i'm calling the cops in ten seconds." and believe it or not, he actually had his phone in his hand ready, folks, to call the cops on two girls in twee dresses and skirts taking pictures.

"oh, i'm so sorry," i said, "we're just taking pictures."

"YOU'RE TRESPASSING! I'm sorry to ruin your kids' "fun" but if you don't leave this second I'm calling the cops." 

like, if he'd been nice about it and told us kindly that it wasn't allowed, it would have been fine. but the tone of his voice and way he called us 'kids' like we were up to no good and then continued to stare at us and then follow us to the sidewalk and next get in his car and watch us until we left while sitting in his car? ten levels of 'weird' and 'asshole' up in here. 

sorry old man, but you best bet on me comin' back again. i'd probably rather talk to the police than you and your patronizing heroic acts as a citizen.
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skirt: francessca's collections // shirt: forever 21 // belt: ruche // 
shoes: uo // bow: c/o His&hers vintage

Tuesday, September 11

that one time i took pictures in 30 seconds and wrote a post in 5 minutes

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i didn't think it was possible, guys, but it happened.
All in all, I think this post took up maybe 10 minutes of my life. Last minute grocery store run, threw on clothes, no make-up, last night's hair, pulled over behind albertson's, 30 seconds of photos, 5 minutes of editing, 2 minutes of writing and posting. So I apologzie if this post isn't up to snuff because it's probably the least amount of effort I've ever put into one, but let me tell you, this top is just that kind of top: the kind you wear with anything and for anything. It's a pretty good top and the fact that it was on sale makes it all the better in my happiness book.

This school year so far is so completely different than anything I'm used to in college. For one, um... the homework load is off the charts. And by that I mean, nearly nonexistent. I'm not sure what to do with myself except spend four hours on a writing assignment and focus on the one class I'm actually in love with. And I'm also not sure how to feel when I like EVERY single one of my classes and find myself able to pay attention. So, meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out a blogging routine while I'm busy figuring out how to navigate my free time/normal college student schedule?! I almost miss the pre-med life. Almost. 
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Monday, September 10

that moment when

you realize you were over it a long time ago, an embarrassingly long time ago, and hearing the words is what kept you clinging to any kind of hope of "what could have been"; you don't feel sad or even upset and in fact you just kind of feel sated, like you reached the end and had a good time but you're ready for the next train; you realize you're happy and excited and these words were what you needed to just go with it; acceptance is scary but the best treat you can give yourself; you feel like slapping yourself in the forehead and laughing at the same time because you realize how simple the entire equation is and the only thing ever okay in a relationship is being treated how you deserve to.

it's a pretty great one, let me tell you. 

i have had the best last few days. the best i've had in months. i've been the most 'myself' i've been in maybe months. i feel reborn and refreshed, but best of all i feel hungry and eager for the future. this isn't a temporary high and i know there will be missing, but i also know there's a huge difference between missing and wanting. now that the wanting is 100% gone, the rest is history. i want better. i want more for myself. i want a 'man', not a boy. someone who is good through and through, not just in pieces and parts. someone that sticks to their word. someone i can stay up with until four in the morning just talking. someone mature. someone better. and when the time comes i'll be ready. i'm not bitter, i'm just better and healthier. i'm free. and i'm ready to soar in the most cliche way possible.

Saturday, September 8

apartment life?

hear the neighbor's alarm, throw a pillow mercilessly at the wall. 6:30am  on a saturday morning. the dogs outside erupt in song all at once and the light from my east window burns through every thread of my down comforter. i peel my sticky cheek off of my pillow like duct tape. bed

Friday, September 7

perspective is my new best friend

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I've learned at the ripe old age of twenty (aha, old...) that perspective really is what just about everything is all about. Perspective. It's my new favorite world, new favorite way of living, and new best friend. Space, distance, distractions, thinking, new experiences... It's all gotten me to a happy place and a healthy place. I was texting my good pal and one of my best blogging buds Kylee a few weeks back and she said the smartest thing I've ever heard: the only way to get over something is to go through it. I mean, really, perspective has probably changed my year for the best and even my future. I'm an officially declared double major in creative writing and biology with an emphasis on pre-medicine. When I graduate, I want to go abroad and teach English in Korea or something of the sort and write all about it and if I get the inclination, go to medical school or get medically licensed to the point that I can volunteer in health sciences abroad. Missoula has one of the best writing programs in the country and even offer a degree in Science Journalism which is pretty much exactly what my majors set me up for. I want to study abroad and I want to do all of these things. I can't help but ask myself why I wasn't thinking about these things earlier and I really do think it all boils down to perspective: taking courses in both subjects, deciding I couldn't pick just one, actually talking to people who have careers along the lines of what I want to do, and knowing my options. It feels good. It finally feels like the pieces have fallen where they should.

...Is it weird to shop online for bras in a public place? I did that. Is it weird to ask a guy in your class for his number using the excuse 'so if I miss class I have someone to reach'? I did that, too. Is it weird to love going grocery shopping all alone and wander the aisles aimlessly and decide it's the most relaxing way to unwind in the middle of the week? Um, incredible. I've done so many weird 'adult-y' things lately I think I'm going to have to write about them shortly because I've surprised even myself.

P.S. These pictures are unedited because, well, Montana is pretty stinkin' pretty if I do say myself.
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dress & shoes: Urban Outfitters // necklace: tiffany&co